From The Heart: Uneasy Thoughts

Saturday night...when I was trying to sleep...this whole thing about school and the future rushed through my head...and I couldn't sleep the whole night...it was funny cuz this was just after I had wrote the "Words of Wisdom" post a little bit lower down. I'm going into my 3rd year...didn't get into the program I wanted to...this year, just focusing on boosting my GPA and trying to get into that program again. But if I get in...that'll be another what...3-4 years, I don't even know. Then there's the other thought...the one I don't like thinking about and even mentioning...what if I don't get in. That's when I started to doubt myself, God, His plan...I was scared. I've never been a school type of person and I've never really buckled down and taking it seriously...so failing those 3 courses in my 2nd year was a real wake up call...a knockout punch that said YO...TIME TO GET UP OFF YOUR BUTT AND GET TO WORK. I was just really taken back...and scared...going into my 3rd year...normal people graduate in their 4th...I would too if I stayed on schedule...but failing those 3 courses made me realize this program wasn't for me. Yeah I could be like...well if only I did this in high school, or did this or did that. But thinking like that is hopeless and will only make me feel worse. I don't even mind seeing some friends I grew up with graduate before me, that won't effect me. I just wanna graduate and get that diploma...for myself, for my parents...to make myself and them proud of me. But this whole thing just had me scared...if I did get in to con ed...how long more would I be in school...and of course...what if...what if I didn't get in...then what. Then I just was like okay God, what do You have in store for me. I'm scared...of the future...of everything. I want to trust You, but I'm scared. Then I remembered to when I was taking the exams for the 3 courses...before I found out I failed...I knew I would need a miracle to pass...so I told myself...whatever happens happens...God YOU are in control, if I fail...I fail...it means I'm not ready yet, it's not in Your plan and that You have something better in store for me. God...as I head into my 3rd year...I pray that I put everything...EVERYTHING into YOUR hands and rely on YOU completely...to trust in the plan You have for me...and have faith in You that You will guide me down the right path.