From The Heart: Not Myself

If you guys watch Jersey Shore, don't judge me, I know some of y'all find it dumb, but it's funny as well. Anyways...if y'all watch Jersey Shore...right now, I'm feeling like Vinny, when I watched that episode, I felt more and more similar to him. I'm just in this funk...and I dunno what's wrong with me you know. Lately I've been really busy, stressed and caught up with school, but at the same time I've noticed I'm just not myself....or at least I feel weird. I just feel like Vinny, I'm in this funk and I can't explain it. I can't really talk to nobody about it because I myself don't even know what's up. And in Jersey Shore, they're like, when a bunch of people smother him, he fights back...but when they leave him alone, he'll eventually come to them...and I feel like I'm kinda like that....where when my friends do something, if I'm not feeling it...I'll just wander off and do my own thing. I dunno....I feel like I'm only having fun, having laughs and being myself with my homies...my boys, you know...I guess it's cause lately I haven't been seeing eye to eye with some of my other friends lately. And at the same time I don't have very many close girl friends, just random girls I talk casually to, but nothing serious or deep. So yeah....I dunno, I'm just feeling like I'm in this funk...and as of late, my heart hasn't even been in blogging....and yesterday when I was blogging, I was kinda...bored...and the thought even flashed into my head of taking a break from the blog...not taking it down, but not blogging for a week....a month...who knows. I'm just in this funk you know, where it's mad confusing...like, I don't really wanna talk to anybody cuz I don't even know what I'm going through myself, but at the same time I just want that sense of security of someone being there for me and knowing that they're there ready to comfort me whenever I'm ready to talk. I guess also the fact that I lost a friend who was like that really hurts as well and I have a sense of being lost and exposed and just being fragile. Me and this friend were really close, we use to talk daily about whatever....I would know when she was upset and she would know when I was upset and lately....no matter how hard I seem to be trying to get things the way they were, it just isn't working. Either I feel like she isn't into it or I just feel like it's not working you know. People tell me she wants to fix it as well, she loves it when I talk to her, things like that...but....I just don't see it. And yeah I give great advice to my friends about these kinds of things, but I dunno man...and another thing is a lot of my friends I kinda talk personally with dipped for university so I'm really limited on the number of close friends I have and people I can talk to. And I'm not really big on talking on msn, texting, phone about what I'm going through...I really just like talking in person you know. But I dunno....that's just me atm....I keep thinking about the Jersey Shore episode...where Vinny is in a funk, he can't sleep whatsoever, he doesn't know what's wrong with himself, his friends try to help but he kinda keeps to himself....that's all me, and it kept hitting me. I really can't sleep as of late, I'm unmotivated in school, I doze off, I'm only having fun with my homies but even then I can only really talk closely with a handful of them. I dunno, I just prefer talking to girl about these things? Is that weird...I'll talk to my boys about these things, but I dunno, just the comfort of having a girl...I don't even have to like her or she doesn't even have to be my girlfriend, but having a close girl friend you can talk to and be there for and vice versa is a good feeling you know. Cuz sometimes, my boys just wanna chill as well and I don't wanna burthen them with these kinds of things. I dunno, I'm just really in a funk right now...but I don't know what to do...unlike Vinny, I'm already home...I just need to get out somewhere or meet new people....cuz I'm just not myself....and I dunno.....I was really considering taking time off from blogging cuz my heart just wasn't in it and I was really bored of it....but I doubt it...I dunno...pray for me man....that I'll get out of this funk, cuz I'm just all over the place right now.