The One That Got Away

To be very honest, I’m not really sure how to start this post. It’s one of those posts I’ve really wanted to write but also dreaded writing at the same time. I had a thought like well maybe I’ll write this in like 5-10 years when the idea of being strangers has really sunken in lol. It’s also one of those things like I’ve mentioned before, the more you talk about or write about it, the easier it is to express. I guess what pushed me to want to write this post is just thinking back on how forgettable 2020 was as a whole and how everyone is looking forward to 2021 being even the slightest bit better. I guess this is just something I kinda wanna leave behind in 2020 along with everything else, it’s something that I’ve kinda held on to and been unwilling to let go of for such a long time. If you know you know, if you don’t…well I’ve written way too many posts about this person to count lol. I told y’all how I was listening to Sam Smith’s new album and it really inspired a bunch of posts, this one in particular. He has this one song on the album called ‘Another One’, it’s just the idea that the person that you thought was the one found someone else, another one. And this is probably one of those way too honest posts, but I mean if you know me, you definitely know this particular chapter of my life lol. There’s only been one, maybe two girls in my life who I can truly say I had a significant amount of attraction towards…fancy wording I know…I don’t wanna say the “L” word cuz I’m not even sure if it was that tbh. But I will say for this one girl at least, for the longest time growing up and when we stopped talking and grew apart…I always saw her as the one and also the one that got away. Now maybe you’ve felt this before about a guy/girl or maybe you haven’t…it’s a feeling that constantly leaves you wondering “well what if?” So back to the Sam Smith song, the lyrics just hit me really hard…he goes “oh congratulations you found the one, think I can finally face that I’m not the one, never was the one.” It’s just kinda funny cuz she recently got engaged and of course the people that knew me had to hit me up and were like yooooo you see it, you good???? LOL smh, but tbh I felt really happy for her and a weird sense of relief for myself, like weird closure in a way. I don’t really know how to explain it, it’s just like ‘permission’ or ‘reassurance’ to finally close that chapter of my life, permanently. One of my boys was like bro, she wasn’t the one trust me…maybe it would’ve worked out for a short period of time, but down the line y’all just wouldn’t have meshed. My other boy was like maybe in that moment in time where y’all were really, really close friends, the stars aligned and y’all were just there for each other in that particular moment in each other’s lives…but now, both of y’all are much older, much different and things you want and things you’re looking for are different, you’re 2 different people who shared a really dope period of time in each other’s lives, but that’s it. He went on to tell me like you can never replicate that with her no matter how hard you try because y’all are just 2 different people in different life stages with different wants, needs and goals. Going back to the Sam Smith song, he says “honestly I’m happy for you, I do not wish you no harm”, and I’m truly happy that she’s found someone and something amazing. But going back to the song, “you found the one, another one.”

For the longest time, I thought you were the one that got away, and it always bothered me that I never got the closure that I wanted and I was always haunted by all these “what ifs”. I dunno if this feeling I’m feeling is closure and relief, but I also accept the fact that sometimes you don’t always get closure and that’s a normal part of life as well. It’s weird, I’ve had dreams of like sitting you down and telling you how I feel even tho we’ve had these talks a million times, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really move the needle regardless. It’s crazy to think we haven’t really spoken like that in 2 years. If you ever end up reading this, that’s cool. It’s funny cuz back in the day when I used to write about you, I knew you would always end up reading it somehow, but for some reason this time feels different, good different. But of course, it’s not like anything I’m writing or saying is out of maliciousness or like anger, definitely not, more so acceptance and understanding. But like I said in the beginning, my whole reasoning for wanting to write this post and especially saving this post as the last one of the year…is just cuz man, it’s finally time to close this chapter of my life, like really close it. Cuz there’s times where I’m sure y’all can agree or relate where you’ll say you’re over something but somehow end up going back to it later in time. We haven’t spoken or seen each other (other than that brief instance) in what feels like forever, respectful birthday messages to each other stop, all communication pretty much cuts, you got your own thing going on and I’m really trying to work on myself and move on and move forward with my life…and I can’t do that without acknowledging what a big part of my life and my growth you were, but also that that chapter and period of my life is over and it’s time to move on. Got damn I feel like I sound hella corny right now…I apologize lol I was never good at being brief and concise. Thank you for everything and to quote Big Sean “in the end all you really have is memories, I hope that you remember me”…see y’all next year, peace.

Good Vibes Only

Remember at the beginning of the month I told y'all since I wouldn't be posting every single day like I usually do that I would try to set a smaller, more manageable goal lol. Welp, we're on pace to hit 10 psots this month which when you look at the other months, is actually a lot LOL. Anyways, 2020's almost over...can you believe it? What feels like the shortest and longest year at the same time is almost coming to an end, what a way to start off the new decade am I right? 2020 for most, if not all people has largely been pretty forgettable. I know for me nothing really stands out, tbh I can't even remember anything eventful that happened in 2020. For some, 2020 has been super draining and mentally exhausting, it's been a year where mental health and self-care were really emphasized and brought to light. Whether you're working, in school, with family, with S/O's or friends, you've probably felt that mental fatigue in some sort of capacity this year. Which kinda brings me to the picture of the tweet above...I think this year, along with self-care, I've learned it's okay to be selfish with the people you surround yourself with...cuz time is limited and getting older I don't like the feeling of knowingly wasting time. With quarantine, it's felt like we've had an abundance of time to ourselves...whether it's picking up new hobbies, going on walks, exercising, or maybe a little bit of everything. Something I tried to do was reach out to people during quarantine and just go for walks, I mean there's not much else to do lol, bubble tea and walks is the move. But yeah, old friends, coworkers, homies...I've been going on a lot of walks, hanging out and catching up. As of late, I've just been really careful and cautious with the people and the energy I surround myself with. To put it simply, good vibes only lol. I've been super fortunate enough to meet some people where everything just clicks, it feels like you've known each other for years and you just get each other. You know those friends where you just look at each other and immediately get the joke, or you see them laughing and you know exactly what they're laughing about LOL. I love those friends cuz it just feels so natural and like I said, everything just kinda clicks. I've never been a fan of small talk which is why meeting new people or even dating apps can be super annoying sometimes. But when you meet the right people...and especially me being an introvert too, when you meet the right people who just naturally get you to come out of your shell it's such a dope feeling but it's also something you don't really realize until you sit and think about it. But back to the tweet...2020 has just been so draining and exhausting in so many ways that there really isn't time for people who don't add anything positive to your life...and I don't mean that offensively like if you don't bring anything to the table get away from me lol. It's more like I just don't wanna surround myself with negativity, especially in a year where so much negativity surrounds us as it is. There's that and then there's also just being careful in who you pour yourself out to, and that's not to say that you pour out to other people and give with the sole expectation to receive something back...but at the same time it is something to take note of. Like if you're always pouring out and nobody is filling your cup, you're gonna be drained, so just kinda keeping a mental note of like oh okay I'm always pouring into this person's cup and they're never really doing the same. Again, I don't want it to sound like completely selfish, but it also is a bit of a selfish mindset...I dunno, time and energy are commodities, and 2020 has not been kind to us, so in a way...for me at least, I'm okay with people a little selfish and being selective in who's cups I pour into. Like I said, good vibes only, surrounding myself with cool, chill, easy going and dope ass people. With all that being said, I'll see y'all REALLY soon for the last post of 2020...D-D-D-DEUCESSSSS!!!

 

Beautiful Sadness

Isn't it crazy how you can like hear the same piece of advice multiple times and it hits different each time, or you find yourself taking something different away or maybe even seeing it in a different way. There's that, or even like when friends tell you something or give you advice you already know. Even tho you already know it, it just hits different because of who's saying it to you. Anyways, so I came across this video on instagram about sadness and the clip was from a South Park episode which I had seen a while back, but watching it again as an adult, it hit different LOL. So one of the characters, Butters, gets dumped and is hella sad and gives a little speech about him being sad but it's more of a beautiful sadness. It just got me thinking, one of my favourite analogies to use is imagine yourself on a rollercoaster. You go up and down and it's hella fun, but imagine if the rollercoaster only went down...yeah it would be fun, you'd have a grear time, but it's that slow climb upward that builds the tension, suspense, excitement that ultimately makes that downward fall so much more exhilarating. The clip talks about having to take the good with the bad, happiness and sadness are normal and healthy aspects of any relationship. J. Cole also has this lyric where he says “to appreciate the sun you gotta know what rain is” and that's so true. It also kinda affirms my belief that any healthy friendship or relationship needs arguments and disagreements sometimes because that's a form of relief and expression. I feel like it's unhealthy if couples or friends say they never fight, cuz it most likely means you're holding stuff in which is even worse. There's probably a very small percent of friendships and couples who can go the distance without arguments and disagreements, but I\m getting off topic now lol. Yeah it sucks to be sad, but think about it this way, in order for you to be that sad something must have made you really good and really happy before. In the video he talks about being really happy that something could even make him that sad, it makes him feel alive and human...and again it's part of the ups and downs of life. I think to myself like man if I stopped talking to girls after every girl that didn't like me back, I'd be missing out on life. And it reminds me of either a saying or something someone told me where they were like the fear of rejection can be crippling. I definitely had points in my life where I was so scared of rejection, scared to be hurt that I never even tried...but if you never try you never know. You gotta take the good with the bad. The phrase beautiful sadness keeps popping into my head cuz as crumby of a feeling as sadness is, it's honestly kinda lit in a weird, sadistic way LOOOL. I love jamming to sad songs, getting hella in my feelings, especially on rainy days, writing hella sad but FIRE blog posts LOOOL. It's part of life, growing pains as I like to call it. If my life were all happy and rainbows and butterflies, yeah it'd be dope, but I feel like I'd never know true happiness. Nor would I appreciate it as much because when you feel that sadness, then something else comes along and makes you feel good and happy again, you're just like man...this is crazy lol. I was gonna keep going, but I dont wanna get too repetitive, so I'm just gonna leave you with that same J. Cole quote cuz it's been stuck in my mind this whole time...and that's that “to appreciate the sun, you gotta know what rain is”. I'll also link the video below lol, see y'all soon.

Be Yourself

So I had like a series of interesting conversations with my coworker today lol, it’s really cool when you don’t feel a need to filter yourself around people or when the vibes are right and conversation just kinda flows smoothly, We talked aboust everything from life, school, relationships, dealbreakers, what we want in a partner, past experiences, you name it. I forget how it came up, but she asked me if anyone has ever called me immature before. To which I was like yeah, I had a best friend that called me immature and it hit me really hard and because I thought so highly of her it really impacted me and I was like well damn, I can’t joke around anymore…I gotta go find an office job and start wearing suits and ties. Me and this friend don’t talk anymore, but like isn’t it crazy how one person can have such a profound impact on you, to the point where you’ll go to great lengths to change yourself to fit their image…like damn. Now, I see my “immaturity” as one of the biggest reasons why people relate to me and find me so easy to talk to…because I don’t take things too seriously and I’m chill. The dopest feeling is when people tell me that they can see that when they read my blog posts. Like it sounds exactly like me or that they can picture the post in my own words lol. So I don’t really read other people’s blogs, heck I hardly read my own posts lol…the few times I have stumbled onto other people’s blogs and read their stuff, I was like man this is so hard to read…it’s all like fancy and big words, literally feels like I’m reading something for school. I’m not saying it’s wrong to use big words or whatever, but for me at least it just makes me feel like I’m in school or in a lecture. But then again, the sanme complaint that I have with other people could be the same complaint that people have with me LOL…my grammar and punctuation is horrible on the blog, I always have typos, I use hella slang, I bet some people are probably like yo can this guy use proper English LOL. I’ll tell you this much, when I’m writing my posts, I’m definitely like reading and hearing my voice in my own head, which is also why I’m never that surprised when people tell me oh yeah your blog really sounds like you lol, yeah cuz I like read it in my own head as I’m typing it. The funniest thing is like I know a few friends who started their own blogs and my other friends will tell me like yo I’ve read it and it just doesn’t sound like them and I’m like well what do you mean and they’re like it just sounds like they’re trying too hard to be smart and sound all wise and stuff LOL. What’s the moral of the story in all this…I don’t really know, just be yourself I guess. At the end of the day if people vibe with you and what you’re saying the it won’t matter how you’re presenting the information as long as the content is relatable. Thinking back to the friend who called me immature, I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I really did a 180 and switched up, just stopped making jokes, became hella serious and stuff. For one I’d be no fun, I’d probably be hella stuck up and some sort of know it all LOL. I dunno, I think about immature now and I take it as a compliment, I like being goofy, I like making jokes, laughing and making people laugh. If people vibe with you then they vibe with you, if they don’t and if they feel a way because of your personality, then tell them to kick rocks cuz you probably don’t need that negativity in your life anyways. Till next time, Merry Christmas, Merry Chrysler, happy holidays, take care, DEUCES.

Stop Playing Games

Funny story, so I started writing a post about something completely different but wasn’t really liking how it sounded and also didn’t really know how to finish it so I saved it for later and now I’m writing about something else lol. So I was thinking about this old conversation I had with a friend, for some context…I was seeing this girl, she had ghosted one of my messages and it had been like 4 or 5 days. We were on really good terms, consistent and back and forth conversation then she kinda just went ghost and I was lowkey freaking out, wasn’t sure what to do. So anyways, was talking to my friend and I was like so what should I do? Do I just wait for a response, then probably like wait the same amount of time to respond to her? Do I double text her to check up on her and see if everything is okay? My friend was like well what do you want out of this, especially being in the early stages of talking, this really sets the foundation moving forward. She’s like if you wanna play games, then it’s gonna keep going back and forth, she takes this long to respond so you take the same amount of time or longer. Or you can be straight up and just show your cards, tell her how you feel and let her know your intentions. Now maybe it’s a guy thing, but there was a thought that passed in my head that’s like well if I double text it means like I’m desperate and in a sense she has “the power”. My friend was like bto, if you keep playing games this is just gonna keep going on and on, she was like if you just lay it out on the table, double text, if she doesn’t respond or even if she does respond and says she’s not bout it, at least you have your answer and you can move forward rather than continuing to waste your time. And I was like damn, you’re right…the quicker I kinda lay my cards on the table, the quicker I can either move on or we can keep building the relationship. So continuing the story, I double texted and reached out to her and she was going through some things but she was super appreciative that I cared and stuff. But anyways, not the point here…isn’t it crazy the idea of having to play games with the opposite gender. Like I hate small talk and I hate games, but you have to do both in order to get things going. There was definitely times in my life where I was like welp she took 4 hours to respond, gotta chill for at least 4 hours before I hit her with a response LOL but yo that’s such an immature way to think. Now I’m just like man if you msg me and I’m beside my phone or whatever, I’ll try to get back to you as soon as possible. But even then I’m still pretty bad with replying, I’ll read messages and genuinely forget LOL. Also sucks that the past 2 girls I dealt with legit took forever to respond, one was a teacher so we’d literally just send one long message to each other everyday just replying to everything the other person said. The other girl was legit Casper, a ghost LOL, she would disappear for days on days and every so often I’d just double text and be like oh is everything good? I keep thinking back to what my friend said about if you play games it’ll just keep going, whereas when you’re upfront you get a direct answer and you can proceed accordingly. I think I’m definitely at a point in my life where I don’t want and don’t feel a need to play games cuz it’s literally a waste of time LOL. I get the game, I respect, I understand that to a certain degree it’s necessary…but at the same time it’s like, why can’t people just be straight up and genuine with their intentions. Like if you’re bout it, let’s move forward…if you’re not, let’s cut it…or if it’s like not serious and something casual then lemme know and I can decide whether that’s what I want too or cut it and look for something else.

Sorry, so I kinda stepped away for like an hour and lost my train of thought lol…I guess anything and everything depends on perspective. My perspectives and opinions have certainly changed over time and as I’ve gotten older because what I’m looking for and my intentions and have also changed as well. So I guess this whole idea of “playing games” really depends on who you are, what you’re looking for and what you’re trying to gain as well. That’s all I really wanted to say lol, I had a different post planned but kinda got sidetracked, then got sidetracked again and lsot this train of thought lol.

11 YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Got damn…11 years, I’m fricken old dude. Started this blog when I was 17, putting out like hella posts everyday…music videos, funny clips, pictures of cute girls…now I’m 28, writing about some of the most personal and intimate moments of my life…how things change. I thought to myself yeah posts have decreased tremendously, but I think y’all REALLY vibe with the posts now. Whereas back then it was like hey I have this blog, check it out please, maybe click a link here or there, scroll around, thanks. Now it’s like, hey this is my blog, I share stories and experiences, I talk about life, I (try to) give advice, I try to be real. What a time…and like I told some of y’all, now that we’ve hit 1 million views, I feel so much less pressure to like put out posts I think will “blow up” and rather just write about things I like and want to write about. Life is about growth and change and this blog is no different, but you can always count on the fact that I’ll always keep it 100 with you guys. Sidenote, I swear I’m gonna be blogging until I get married and my wife is all like HEY, stop putting our personal business on your dang blog LOOOL. Maybe then I’ll transition it to a family blog and be like YO so Rodmond Jr really pissed me off today, can you believe he said this to me LOOOL. Who knows where life will take me, or maybe I’ll still be single writing about girls that got away and what could’ve been LOOOL, nahhh knock on alllll the wood. It’s just too bad I couldn’t really celebrate the way I wanted to this year…last year for the blog’s 10th anniversary I had a little house party with a handful of close friends and people I cared about. This year obvs looks much different but damn next week is Christmas, how is that even possible…this is the shortest longest year ever LOOOL. I’m excited for what’s in store in 2021, I’m excited for all the future blog posts and I’m excited to continue sharing my life and having y’all journey with me through this thing. So till next YEAR…I appreciate you tremendously, thank you for sticking with me, I’ll see you soon...DEUUUUCES!!!

We Broke Up In My Dreams

 

So when I have really juicy dreams, the minute I wake up I grab my phone and try to write down as much as I can remember and I try to be as detailed as possible because I remember reading something where it’s like the moment you wake up, you forget like 80% of your dreams within like a few seconds. So I try to just write down as much as I can, as much detail and whatever key words that’ll trigger me. But usually key words aren’t even that helpful cuz I’ll look at it and be like wtf does that even mean lol so I try to be as detailed as possible. I wrote this one sometime in the beginning of the dear when I was seeing this one girl. We had been on a bunch of dates but we were also like very different personality wise, but we got along really well. Anyways, so reading the dream now and then thinking back to what happened…she actually ended things with me like maybe 3 weeks later LOOOL, maybe that dream was a premonition lol. So I was looking at old conversations with her, cuz I’m a hoarder and I can’t bring to myself to delete that stuff, and she was like yeah at first I wasn’t gonna respond to your messages but then I did and we went from there. To give some context, she was a really sweet, Christian girl, I had like just dyed my hair blonde and I hadn’t been going to church for several months lol. So I was like hey, be honest did the blonde hair and tattoos throw you off…she’s like yeah I honestly thought you were like a goon, but turns out you’re a really nice guy LOOOL. Which is honestly what a good majority of people say to me when they meet me, especially since I give off a pretty RBF and a pretty cold shoulder until you talk to me LOL. Anyways yeah clearly it didn’t work out with her and it was one of those things where she was like oh so I’m looking for a Christian guy to kinda lead me in a relationship. To which I understood at the time ut also had trouble grasping cuz I had told her how I grew up Christian but was kinda in a phase of just figuring things out in my life but I definitely saw myself getting back to that point. So I was def hurt and had trouble grasping what she wanted, but fast forward to the present, I saw she was dating some dude and I was happy for her…well actually, I saw it and I wasn’t sure how I felt LOL, I was like should I be feeling a way right now? Then I was like nah, she was genuinely right…the life that I’m living right now and how I am, I definitely would’ve dragged her down and it wouldn’t have been healthy for her. Man…talk about the whole “when you talk about things, they get more easy to talk about” LOL, def didn’t like talking about this at first cuz it sucked, but I’m at the point now where I can look back, laugh and even be like well she was right to cut it off cuz I wouldn’t have been good for her in the long run and realistically, she probs wasn’t good for me. It’s always nice to be able to sit and reflect on things, even things that happened recently (even tho it feels like it happened years ago) and think about what they taught you and what you learned from it. So till next time…PEACE.

The Hardest Things To Say

I dunno if you guys feel the same way in these kinds of situations, but I feel like the more I talk about something that’s hard to talk about, the easier it becomes to talk about. Does that make sense LOL. Like some things in your life are just hard to talk about or you don’t wanna talk about it…maybe it’s embarrassing, stressful, brings up bad feelings or memories, but I find for myself at least the more that I talk about it or am asked about, the easier it becomes to talk about it. Example, when I was in university and I failed 3 courses which led me to take the next semester off to figure out life…I was so embarrassed, it was something I kept close to my chest and only a small handful of friends, it was something I NEVER thought I would blog about. But the more I thought about it, the more I talked about it with friends, the more comfortable I became talking about. Now I kinda carry it around with me like a badge of honour and I lowkey love telling it because it taught me so much and really kinda pushed me onto the right track and drove me to buckle down and focus. Another example is any girl story or dating experience I’ve ever had lol…it always starts off hard to talk about and I usually don’t like talking about it cuz it brings up sad feelings and it doesn’t make me feel good...but the more I talk about it, the more people ask me about it, the easier it becomes to talk about in a weird way lol. I guess for me, it’s like when I’m able to talk about it, it’s like I’m also able to release and let go. Like when it’s fresh and when it’s still new, it’s as if my hands are clenched super tight in a fist…and when I talk about it more and more, my hand kinda relaxes and I’m able to just let it go. Which kinda affirms in my belief that one of the greatest things that you can do to support someone is to just listen to them. It’s not always about giving advice or trying to find an immediate solution…thinking back to some of the times when I really needed a person to talk to, it wasn’t cuz I needed advice or an opinion, I just needed somebody to listen to me. My hope for you is that you have some sort of outlet to express yourself…I shared with y’all that sometimes it feels like I don’t have someone to confide in and listen to me, but I’m super thankful to be able to express myself on this blog…and in a weird way it feels like someone is listening. Something I’ve done in the past is also write letters to people that I never intend on mailing, it’s just more of a release thing, where it’s like you write to the person things you want to say to them and when you’re done writing, you move on cuz you’ve already “said” everything you wanted to. So whether it’s journaling, writing in a blog, writing a letter you never intend to send or just talking to a friend, I hope that you have some sort of listening ear around you to be there for you. Because trust me, things always seem hard and difficult to talk about at first, but the more you talk about it the easier it gets, the more you start to own it and even begin to see the positives. So till next time, PEACE.

Serenity In The Storm

I had a friend tell me that one of my biggest strengths is seemingly being able to stay calm and collected in times of distress. I think for the most part I definitely am a pretty chill and relaxed person but I still do stress and when things to get to me, they REALLY get to me…so I kinda disagree with that statement to a certain extent lol. I think moreso when people come to me in times of distress, I’m definitely able to stay calm and grounded moreso than if it were my own issues. We were talking in class about this idea of being grounded, being balanced and being a stabilizer for when clients come to us and their whole world is falling apart. Because a lot fo times it’ll be like that, maybe not to such a drastic extent, but clients will come to you more foten than not in distress and with some sort of issue that is bothering them. As a counselor/social worker it’s our job to analyze their situation and approach it with a clear and level head. Not even in a work setting, just imagine this…your friend comes to you panicking about something and you just start freaking out and panicking with them, it’s not really gonna help their situation or calm them down in any way lol. My prof gave this super dope example where she was like if someone is drowning in an ocean during a storm, as tempting as it is to jump in and save the,..that’s dangerous. You’re better off staying grounded, with your feet planted and throwing the ring to them. I think that’s just something I’ve realized I kinda naturally do with people when they come to me with their problems. It’s still okay to like be sad with someone or to sulk with someone I’m not saying it’s wrong in anyway cuz I’ve definitely done that. But I just think it’s so much more beneficial when you’re that person that helps to bring them back to reality and help them tink more clearly and ground them. I’ve definitely been in those situations where I’m just not thinking clearly, tunnel vision on a girl, maybe blinded by anger and just not thinking straight and wanting to act on those specific emotions…it’s not until my friends are like yo you’re not thinking clearly, take a deep breath, relax and take it down a couple notches. When I eventually come back down to earth and am able to see the bigger picture, I’m like wow my perspective was so narrowed because of how I was feeling. I think we all need those people in our lives to help keep us grounded, so that when we’re drowning, they can toss us a life jacket and help us see things more clearly.

For The Views...

Wanted to start to get December off to a good start by hitting y\all with a post lol. Something I used to think about when I was younger (as in like a few years ago LOL) was what would I do if the blog shut down, like if blogger just closed down lol. I mean google owns blogger so it's kinda unlikely but there was one time where I tried to open the blog and it said blogger was down or unavailable and I got so shook...I was like yo all my hard work, all those posts, all those views...gone. Turns out they were just doing maintenance on blogger lol. Something I think about now is what if one day I opened the blog and the view counter is gone or it resets to zero. I've placed so much emphasis on reaching that 1 million views mark and for the longest time it was like the ultimate goal for me. I used to think to myself if the view counter ever disappeared or reset, damn I might just have to quit the blog cuz what else am Idoing this for? That's def how a big chunk of me used to think and a big chunk of me was working and promoting so hard to reach that 1 million mark. When I realized it was a real possibility of actually hitting a million views, I was like damn...look at how far we've come...so as much as a million views is an AMAZING achievement and a super dope aesthetic, it also symbolizes just how far the blog has come. You know how hype I got when the blog hit 1,000 views LOOOL. I think to myself now and there is a slight part of me that kinda wants the view counter to just disappear one day cuz sometimes I do get caught up in the views and trying to put out posts that I know people will click onto. But then there\s also that part of me that just likes looking at it, to be able to be like yeah my blog has over a millionviews, yeah I've been doing this for over 10 years. At the end of the day tho...the views are just surface level and if it ever did reset or disappear, I know I still have that support system that'll read the blog regardless. Cuz like I said I used to think like well if the blog shut down, would I just hop onto another platform and start a new one? But I'm like man it's gonna be so hard to build an audience again, to promote it and stuff, the views gonna be hella weak. But at the end of the day it's like yo for the most part it's a good chunk of people who consistently read the blog whether I promote it or not cuz they genuinely like reading it (I hope lol), if I were to go onto another platform, I'm sure those same people would still visit the blog because they f with me like that. I dunno, just some random thoughts i the blog were to ever shut down lol, I have been saving my posts recently tho, like I'll write them on a google doc and save it on my computer before posting it in case anything ever does happen. But it's moreso for myself and the memories lol. Welp, hopefully I'll see y'all sooner than later, even if it is these short, random posts that might not make that much sense lol PEACE.

Okay edit: So I wrote the above paragraph yesterday and had intended to be all like oh yeahhh December 1st, off to a great start but then I forgot LOL. Then I was watching some random youtube videos today and it kinda sparked some inspiration in me to add to this post. I think when I first started and I feel like this is with most creators on youtube or anything that like tracks the number of views or amount of people...at first you just wanna attract the most amount of people, in my case I just wanted as many people as possible to view my blog. Now obviously when I first started, I was doing really low numbers compared to now, but it was a big deal for me, so obvs when views kept going up and I started to set bigger goals for myself I was also like alright I gotta write better posts or at least write psots that people will find interesting or interesting enough to click on at least. There was def a point in the blog where people came at me for 'clickbaiting' too much LOL...it's definitely still part of the game but I try not to be so scummy about it. Cuz at the end of the day y'all are only gonna click based on if it's an interesting title or not or that short little sentence or two that I post on facebook or instagram. I only have one sentence to summarize the post and make it sound interesting enough so that people will want to click it. I think after hitting a million views, I don't wanna say I don't care anymore, views are def still an important driving force for me...but I'm definitely feeling more free and open when it comes to titling the blog posts or those short little descriptions or even just what I write about in general. The focus has kinda shifted a bit to where views are still dope and all...but man I just wanna write about what makes me happy and what inspires me and motivates me. Sometimes it's not the most interesting thing but it helps me express myself, it's stress relief in a way too. As of late, I\ve just been doing my own thing...giving y'all posts like an update on my life whereas before I'd be like okay that's too boring ain't nobody wanna read about that they want the girl stories and the relationship stuff LOL. I've just kinda made that conscious decision to write about what I want, not that I wasn't doing so before...but moreso feeling less pressure to please the readers and less pressure to maximize views...if y'all dig it then that's dope, if not then tough turtles maybe you'll like the next post. With all that being said, I'll see y'all on the flip side, peace.

An Update On Life

Can we all just take in that tomorrow is December??? Holy guacamole…we’re almost there y;all, we made it. I dunno about you, but 2020’s felt like 2 years crammed into one…it feels like so much has happened but it also feels like nothing has happened at all. You know that meme where it’s like imagine at 11.59 on December 31, instead of January 1 you see December 32 LOOOOL. Take in we’ve literally been in quarantine/lock down for ¾ of the year, since like March/April ish, which is WILD to even try to wrap your head around. School is literally like the LAST thing on my mind right now, but here I am about to finish my first semester of my last year…but I’ve literally just been going through the motions. Like I’ve been loafting and procrastinating much more than I usually do. How I kinda illustrate it to ppl is that it feels like I’m literally on cruise control for school. I just don’t really care lol…I had a week to do an online exam and I saved it till the last hour LOL. It was due at 5 pm, I started at 4 pm and it actually took longer than I thought, it was like 4:50 and I was like yo I’m not gonna make it, I might have to submit whatever I have lol, I ended up finishing it and got a 90% -_-. We’ve been working all semester on this seminar that’s supposed to be 45 min that we present to our classmates, I’m presenting next Monday and haven’t started LOOOL. Don’t worry, that course is a replacement since I’m not doing placement this year, so it’s literally a pass fail course, so nothing in that course is being graded, including that 45 min seminar. So ppl in my school chat are stressing like yo what font should I use, what should I talk about…I’m like bro why’re you stressing it’s pass or fail fam. Anyways, even tho I said I’m loafting hella hard, surprisingly I’m still doing really well in school…and that’s not to say that college is super easy or anything, but having been in and graduated university…college is kinda easy LOL. Like I don’t think I’m a super smart kid, but I just know my work habits (most of the time) and I know how to kinda manage my time and stuff (pre covid). Well that’s my little rant about school…what else has been going on lately…I got a car LOL. Literally a long time coming…and it’s funny that it took an argument with my dad about the car we all share to finally push me to get it. It’s such a dope feeling just having the car there, not having to ask if anyone is using the car, anytime I need to go anywhere I can just go. Driving home from the dealership was such a crazy weird feeling…I was like yo, this is mine lol. Work has been kinda dead even tho it’s supposed to be like busy since Christmas is around the corner. Been having a lot of thoughts about quitting cuz there’s part of me that’s feeling like I’ve overstayed my welcome y’feel? Been there for over 2 years, lots of people have left, lots of new people have come in…just kinda feels like an hourglass and the sand is almost all drained, is that a weird analogy LOL.

I’ve been struggling to find people to confide in, I don’t really know why I’m sharing this. I guess this is a place where I’ve started to come to when it feels like no one else gets me or no one else is listening. I tend to keep things to myself when I feel like people don’t/won’t care or don’;t/won’t get it. Like most of my friends aren’t in school so they won’t really get what I’m feeling in terms of feeling like I’m coasting in school and kinda just going through the motions. A lot of my close friends are also in serious relationships or married and won’t/don’t really get when I’m talking to or seeing random girls. There’s that and also sometimes it just feels like they don’t care, so I don’t bother lol. Another thing is that like sometimes when I go to people, and I share something with them or I ask them for advice and it isn’t really what I expected, I’m kinda just like oh true…alright lol. I don’t wanna make it sound like I’m hella nitpicky, but you ever get that feeling where you’re looking for something, you go to a friend looking for advice and it’s just not what you expect. It’s funny because (and I’m not even 100% sure about this) I feel like most of my close friends don’t read the blog LOL. You might be like NO WAY, but tbh I don’t really blame them and at the same time it is what it is. I don’t really know what it is I’m looking for tbh, I’ve ben struggling to find people to talk to about how I feel about school, girls, life and random stuff in general…I’ve found myself confiding to random people or people I didn’t think.I would normally want to confide in.

I don’t really know where that all came from lol, I was writing, started thinking about it and it just came out. Still can’t believe tomorrow is December…I usually try to do a post every single day for the month of December (tho I don’t think we did that last year), but I’m not even gonna bother trying this year cuz I know I won’t be able to follow through lol. What I can say is that I’m gonna post as often as I can in December, let’s aim for 10? If I go over that’s dope, if I don’t then damn lol. The blog’s 11th anniversary is coming up, damn. 2020 definitely has had me thinking a lot about life, feeling a ton of ways and I’m sure I’m not the only one. This year has been a crazy one and COVID has definitely amplified and made people feel a lot of ways. So much importance has been placed on like self care and mental health cuz we’re living in some crazy times that’s for sure. I just wanted to hit you with something that my friend reminded me of…that you’re not the only one going through this. Other people are here with you, fighting the same fight, going through similar struggles, so don’t feel like you’re the only one or that it’s getting to you. When you do feel like that, tell someone and I guarantee you’ll find that a lot of people are feeling similar and y’all can be there to support and encourage one another. That’s all from me for now tho, don’t even know if I updated y’all much on life or just went on a random tangent lol, PEACE.

Unrealistic Expectations

So one thing I've learned through all of the guest posts and the ask the audience posts is that you can't project your own expectations onto other people. Now what do I mean by that, well this blog has shaped me into a very open and honest person, like there's obviously there's a part of my life I (try to) keep private but a lot of what happens and what I go through end sup on the blog. When it comes to guest posts or the ask the audience posts, I can't and shouldn't expect people do be the same way as me when I'm writing my posts, but there were times when I did expect that. I would ask people with the expectation or at least high hope that they would be super honest, vulnerable and open and when they gave me something that didn't meet my expectations, I was def a little let down...but in reality not everyone is like that, not everyone is comfortable talking about these kinds of things and not everybody wants to. I learned this through a conversation with a friend and he told me he just broke up with his girlfriend, I was in a hurry so I was like hey lemme text you later and we can talk about it if you want. He found me 10 minutes later and he was like hey I appreciate the offer but I'm good, if I need to talk to somebody I'll message you tho. I was kinda taken back...I guess in my mind I was like yeahhhh open up to me, share your burdens, let me helpppp you LOL not really that intense, but maybe to some degree I was like oh man, I was really ready to hear him out and help him out, but then it kinda hit me that day like maybe he just didn't wanna talk about it or didn't wanna talk about it with you. Everyone is at and has different levels of comfort and openness and I shoudn't project and expect people to match my levels just cuz I'm super open about stuff that most people probably keep to themselves lol. In that same sense, when I would ask people questions for the ask the audience posts, I really did expect like deep, hardcore, personal answers lol but some people gave me super short and super generic answers, I was definitely disappointed but then I was like well I can't force people to share things they don't want to or don't feel comfortable sharing. Even what I'm learning in school for social service work, a lot of it is like well you can't force the client to share anything that they don't want to...let them lead the conversation, if they wanna talk about rainbows and butterflies all day who are you to stop them, you can't force them to talk about their struggles or what's bothering them, they'll share as much as they want and when they want. And so I've found myself doing that in conversations...with friends, on dates...like I never wanna probe too much or ask too personal questions too fast (tho sometimes I can't help myself lol), but I think I've learned and am learning to kinda just roll with the energy that the other person gives me...if they wanna talk about school or work or sports I'm down, or if they wanna talk about life and their personal struggles I'm game too. I think it's definitely a skill to be able to like read the flow of the conversation and just roll with it. Imagine it's like a super chill and fun conversation about your childhoods and suddenly you're like yeah so my goldfish died yesterday LOL...anyways, on that note sorry it's been a while...school's been a little hectic/busy and I've always been procrastinating, but it feels like this semester has flown by and it's already almost December, the new year is right around the corner, COVID is still kicking our butts, some of us are in lockdown, the world is a crazy place right now...the last thing on my mind is school and work, but life doesn't take a pause, still gotta do what you gotta do...maybe I'll give y'all an update on life next post...see y'all soon, PEACE!

I'm Too Busy

I think this is something...scratch that, I know this is something I've definitely talked about before. It's something I feel very strongly about and I feel like it only gets stronger the more people and girls that I meet. You may disagree or you may feel just as strongly or maybe strong for the opposing side. So I believe that nobody is ever truly \too busy' and that if someone really wants to make time for you, as in if they care about or if you're a big enough priority to them, they'll make the time for you. I say this because I'm exactly like that, where I will and I have either made time in my day for somebody or even if I was busy, finding a way to tetrist them into my schedule. Whether it's flopping on friends, switching shifts at work, doing homework early...when you want to make time, you'll find a way to do it. I was inspired because I was at work, about to clock in and I saw this girl on the phone with her boyfriend, cherishing every single last second before she had to clock in at work...and I was like, well that's hella cute and dope. I had another coworker who would always call her boyfriend during her break, and dude worked a 9-5 office job, so not only is she spending her break on the phone but he's also finding a way to answer the phone at work also...that and I would always see her in the mornings chilling outside the store with her boyfriend before our morning shift started and I'm like man...he's a real one. So I say this all because I firmly believe that no one is ever too busy...friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife...whem someone wants to make time for you, they will. Example, I dealt with one girl who was a teacher so just imagine how busy she was. Weekdays were definitely off limits to chill and she had church on Sundays, but she would tetris me into her schedule and we would usually chill on Sundays after church. Eventually, she got 'busy' and the one response a day eventually became one response every couple days and when the weekend came, it was like oh I'm too busy, which eventually led to “this isn't working out”. I don't wanna keep saying the same thing, but you get the gist. I dated this girl who was a volleyball player and bro...she would stop in the middle of practice to text me back multiple times, she's like yo my coach is getting cheesed LOL. I'm not saying you gotta go to that extreme, but it just really drives home the point (for me at least) that when you wanna make time for someone, you'll find a way. Even if it's like a hey, I'm gonna be a bit busy today but just wanted to hit you up and let you know...or maybe I just sound crazy cuz rereading that sounds kinda nuts LOL. Don't get me wrong, being busy is truly a real thing, but when you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it. Whether it's a sneaker release that opens at 7 am or some concert tickets that go on sale at 12 am, when you want something bad enough you'll make it work. I hope that kinda relates lol...without making this post too long...I just wanted to say that it's also important to realize when you're not a priority to someone...then decide what you wanna do from there...you wanna keep being an option (does that sound rude?) or do you wanna be someone's priority. There's been plenty of girls I talked to where I knew I wasn't a priority but I either kept going with it or they weren't priorities to me either...the most recent girl I was talking to...well I realized I wasn't a priority, kept putting in the same if not more effort until my friends had to verbally me in the face and tell me to cut it off, which I did. This is just how I am as a person so maybe that's why I feel so strongly about it..cuz I'm never too busy for a friend or for someone I care about...whether it's going out late when there's school or work the next morning, going out of your way to pick someone up or do them a favour, or just clearing up some time for a conversation...when I wanna make time, I do...so that kinda is how I believe most people are as well. That when something or someone is important enough, no matter what you're doing or how busy you are...you'll make time for. Till next time, peace.

Self-Determination

So a big concept that I've been learning about in school is this idea of self-determination. So I'm studying to be a social service worker and when you're dealing with clients, the idea of self-determination is that each person has the ability to make their own decisions and control their own life. So as a social service worker, it's not about like giving dope advice or being a good listener as important as those things are...but it's about giving all the information and equipping your client enough tht they can make a decision for themselves. Obviously there's a lot of variables that come into play but I don't wanna get too into the little details. So this is something I've been struggling because it's something I've been seeing or like applying into my daily life. Now obviously when you give your friend or even anybody advice, so much comes into play like your own opinion, biases, perspective and knowledge of the person and situation. But from a social service worker standpoint, like non of that should be part of the equation when you're helping the client, it's all about okay here\s all the information, here are your options, what do you wanna do kinda thing. But as a friend talking to another friend, obviously the things I say are influenced by what I know of the person and my own persona perspective. For example, I give my friend some advice, they make their decision and I'm like okay that's dumb don't do that, or I'll give advice to them to try to influence their decision to the one that I think is right. Whereas in social service work it's like nah you give them the unbiased information and they make the decision for themselves and you go about your day whether you agree with their decision or not. The kinda conflict for me arises when say I\m talking to someone going through a breakup and they say oh what should I do? Obviously if I know the person and the situation, my bias influences the advice I give to the person...say it's like okay your partner was a dick, they don't deserve you, don't get back with them, but you also have the option to do so if you want...see how in that situation my advice is like hella biased Whereas from like a social worker standpoint it's like okay here are your options, here are the pros and cons of each option, make a decision and whether I agree or disagree with the decision it's their life and their choice. Obviously I don't mean or intend to look at my friends or people as clients, but I couldn't help but think to myself like well is the advice that I'm giving really what's best for the person. Like are they coming to their own conclusion or am I kinda guiding their decision based on my own perspective and biases. That's kinda been my struggle lately...like is this what's best for them or is this what I think is best for them? Cuz yeah you might think that they\re making the “wrong” decision, but it's their life and who are you to say what's right and wrong for them. And even with that, people deserve that opportunity to live and to learn and fail and experience their own ups and downs. I just kinda find myself thinking about this concept in the back of my mind when I'm in conversation and especially when people ask me for advice or ask me what they should do in certain situations. Like I've caught myself mid advice like wait, is this really what's best for them or is this what I think is best for them based on my own values and morals. So I dunno...it's an interesting thought cuz I wanna give good advice but I also want people to be able to come to their own conclusions and decisions rather than me going well that's bad so you know you shouldn't do it. I hope this makes sense and doesn't sound like too nerdy or whatever. I've just found myself in a lot of conversations with people about their life and not necessarily life altering decisions but still big decisions and I don't want or feel like I should be telling people what to do or saying what's right and wrong because everyone has like a different standard or measuring stick for that...I'd rather try to like outline okay so here is what's going on, here are all your options, here are the pros and cons, how do you wanna move forward? Obviously it'll differ from person to person and some people you might just have to tell them straight up that's dumb lol...but it was just a good kinda reminder for me like hey you don't necessarily know what's best for everyone, let them figure it out for themselves even if that means they might trip and stumble a couple times. But anyways, till next time...PEACE.

Letting Go Of Things That Are Holding You Back

You know how they say that everyone's house has like a distinct smell and it's not something you yourself are aware of cuz you live in that house so you're like accustomed to that smell, it isn't until you go to someone else's house that you're like oh there's a distinct smell in this house and that person will probably be like what, what're you talking about cuz they're accustomed to that smell in the same way you\re accustomed to yours. Is that a thing? I feel like it is lol or maybe I'm way off here. Or just imagine this, say you work at like the garbage dump where all the trash goes. Your first dat on the job you're probably like got damn this smells absolutely horrible, this is unbearable. By the time you're a month in, it might not be a pleasant smell still, but you'll have definitely gotten accustomed to it and built somewhat of a tolerance to it...you got used to it essentially so it's not as bad as when you first smelled it. Man sometimes I feel like my analogies are so weird lol but I hope it makes sense...similarly, when you're in like a toxic relationship or friendship, you're not really aware of how toxic or how bad it is for you when you're in it. Or sometimes you are aware, but you're so comfortable and it's so familiar that you kinda just keep going. I think back to this toxic relationship that I literally had to pry myself away from and cut the other person off...I wanted it to work so bad I literally ignored all red flags. I remember my friend telling me you gotta end this and I was like yeah I know, but in my mind I'm like okay but I don't want to LOL. Even when I was about to send this long ass corny message to her like oh this just isn't healthy for me, I wrote it in a way where it was like oh but maybe we can pick it back up or maybe we can try again...my friend had to literally edit it to a point where it was super blunt and straight up like yo, this is not good for either of us...we gotta say peace. And even when he sent it back to me..,I went back and forth with him like nahhh lemme send my version LOOOL...why are we so attracted or just like unwilling to let go of something WE KNOW is not good for us.Then I came across this song called Lose by Niki and this video where she's explaining the song and the concept of being in a toxic relationship and how it's a lose-lose situation. She says like what's familiar is what's comfortable, no matter how toxic or how bad it is you don't really care...and I really felt that when she said it cuz it felt like those words were coming from my own mouth. She was like it's human to stick to what's familiar. It made me think of a few conversations I had with some friends going through similar things...stuck in toxic relationships, wanting to let go but also finding themselves constantly going back to that same person, that same toxicity even when they know it's not good for them. One thing she says that I really liked is that when you work on yourself and they work on themselves, then you have room for growth. She goes on to say that closure is a luxury and that’s something that stuck out to me cuz I feel like I've always heard that but like it really eats at me when things aren't properly like acknowledged or addressed you know, like I always wanna clear things up so everyone or at least I can kinda have a clean slate. But Niki's like part of growing up is realizing that as much as you really want closure, sometimes it's not an option and sometimes it's not there. And it may not even be on you, it may be on them. You need to learn to be okay with not having closure, with things ending abruptly or things not ending the way we want them to. Man that just makes me think back to all the girls that I've dated or seen that just didn't work out for a variety of reasons and it left me kinda asking why like what happened cuz I never really got a clear cut answer or we never really got to sit and discuss things. But hearing her talk about closure...it's like well you don't always get that, sometimes you just gotta pick yourself back up and keep it moving. But I just wanted to end with this, I think this year with school and with work and learning about the things that I'm learning, it's definitely made me more aware and putting more effort into being more empathetic towards people. Like oh you're in a toxic relationship and you know it, just leave then...but like especially going through something similar myself it's kinda made me realize nah it's not that easy, as much as you really want to...it's like an internal struggle of wanting to let go beacuse you know it's not good and also wanting to keep holding on cuz it's familiar and it's comfortable. But yeah, I always find it interesting how the most randomest things, conversations, people or in this case videos can trigger blog posts lol. Here's the video I'm referring to btw...till next time, peace!

Counsel & Chill

I was having a conversation with a friend and I hit him with a bunch of questions. I was like yo why do I always find myself in the position where people (mostly girls) are always like pouring their hearts out or sharing their life story with me? And kinda branching off that question I was like yo why do most of the girls in my life or at least the girls that I am or were close with have like hella shit going on or seem to be carrying a lot of baggage? Before I say anything else, I’m definitely not tryna flex in any kinda way here lol and for that matter I’ve never had that many female friends ever in my life, but the few that I have had that were or are close friends…they def got a lot going on lol. So my boy was like well you have that counsellor vibe, you’re a good listerner and you’re easy to talk to lol. I mean thanks, but like still doesn’t really explain why it’s usually girls that end up sharing their life story with me lol. Then one day my coworker came to me and she was like yo you have female energy, I was like yo don’;t diss me like that LOL. She’s like nah like you just have that vibe where girls find it easy to talk to you…which trust me when I say that it’s a blessing and a curse. Another one of my coworkers is always like yo you’re like my therapist and whenever we talk it’s like you’re counselling me or something lol. Like there’s been a few instances where girls I just met or don’t really know that well will just randomly start sharing hella personal things about their life to me…now obvs maybe they’re just really open people cuz I’m kinda like that with my shit esp after writing on the blog for so long. I had one girl tell me super personal stories about like her family, struggles growing up and stuff and she’s like yo I don’t know why I keep telling you stuff but it just comes out cuz you’re so easy to talk to. I really hope this doesn’t come off as me like tryna flex cuz it sounds braggy as I’m typing it but I’m really not tryna come off that way lol, I find it fascinating tbh cuz I don’t feel like I’m doing anything special or different, I’m just being me. I had an old supervisor tell me that one of my greatest strengths was that I was consistent…that I’m always the same and that I keep it real and honest regardless of who I come in contact with and that’s why people vibe with me. So I always tell you guys about random girl stories like the girl who was lowkey a stalked and facetimed me like 5 times a day LOL, so I was hanging out with my boy and he was like yo I feel like you attract a specific type of girl because you always have all these crazy stories about them LOL. Lowkey he was tryna say I attract crazy girls smh. I mean I’ve told y’all before I had this one really close friend call me immature and I thought to myself damn maybe I’m too chill, maybe I have to take myself more seriously and grow up and start wearing suits and shit. But I’ve come to realize that my “immaturity” is what people vibe with. Like I keep it chill and I (try not to) take things too seriously, I think it helps me approach things more calmly especially when people come to me with their problems and stuff. Obvs I still stress and get overwhelmed, but (usually) I’m pretty chill and esp with age and experience I just know how keep myself mentally balanced. Lenme just end off with a really funny story, so a long time ago (like at least 5 years ago) I went to this church retreat at one of my friend’s church and it was 3 of us. The room situation was 2 ppl per room and I got paired with a random dude since I didn’t know anybody at that church. So like throughout the day I eventually met the dude I was rooming with and it was cool, we had a day of like activities and such. Fast forward to night time…oh yeah I forgot to mention it was only like 1 queen size bed per room, so I had to share a bed with this dude LOL. So yo, we’re about to go to sleep, we turn off the lights and we go to bed. This guy goes “hey man, I know this might sound really weird especially since we’re sleeping in the same bed, but you have a really warm personality.” LOOOOL BRO I was sooooo shook…keep in mind I was like probably in my early 20’s so I was like yoooooo who’s mans in this LOL. But I was just like oh, say word thanks bro appreciate that lol. He’s just like yeah man I saw you walk in with your friends and I said to myself yeah that dude looks hella chill LOL. Before y’all try to make any jokes, the next day I walked in on him on his laptop talking to someone and he’s like oh I’m facetiming my girlfriend right now and I was like oh true my bad I’ll leave you be LOL get your mind out the gutter folks. Anyways, till next time haha peace out.

Give Them Flowers

Kanye has this quote from a song where he says “if you admire somebody you should go ahead and tell'em. People never get the flowers while they can still smell’em.” It's all about just showing your love and appreciation for people while they're still here. You know when people pass away it’s like man there's so many things I wish I could've said to them, so many things I wish they knew. This quote just kinda says if you feel a way about somebody, tell them, let'em know while they’re still here and while they can still appreciate it. And I think that can be applied in all kinds of settings, in like a relationsihp obvs y'all know you love and care deeply for one another (hopefully you do), but it's always nice to hear your partner say it as well...oh you look beautiful today, I really appreciate you, I know I don’t tell you enough but I'm so thankful for you...you get the gist. Sometimes I feel like it's the littlest things that can make people’s days and I've recently like within these past few years started to do this more in my everyday life. Just complimenting people on their outfits or maybe their hair or their smile or whatever. When I was in university (and my boy can attest to this), dudes would always give me random compliments about my outfits...and I mean hella random, like hey man nice jeans LOL...but that was super cool you know. It really goes a long way...when people tell me oh nice shoes, oh I like your haircut, all that stuff tho it may seem little to you might go a long way for someone else. So that's something I like to do whenever something about someone catch my eye. Something that's been happening to me recently is a lot of people have been sending me love about the blog...just like oh I appreciate your honesty or realness ,or that was a dope post or even just a keep it up. It all really goes a long way and it's like obvs I don't solely do it for that, but hearing it every once in a while is really nice. Something I've also tried to practice as often as I can is letting my friends know how much I appreciate them and everything that they do. From the littles things like hey man I appreciate you always driving or I always appreciatee you just listening to me go on about my bullshit. If you take anything away from this...it's that if you feel any (positive) type of way about someone, even if you might not know the that well...go ahead and tell them, trust me they'll (probably) feel hella good and seeing them feel that way will (almost) certainly make you feel nice too. Give them people their roses and their flowers now while they can still smell them, don't wait till their gone or till it's too late to let them know how much you appreciate them or how important they were to you. Take advantage of the moment and go give some flowers to somebody. Till next time...DEUCES!

Life Goes On and So Should You

So I wrote a post with the same title about a year ago and I was reading it and it has such a different vibe than from where I wanna go with it now, but it’s also similar in a weird way if that makes sense. But anyways, if you wanna read that post, I’ll link that for you right here Life Goes On, So Should You. I was having dinner with a friend and I was thinking of 2020 ad what I’ve been saying to people as of late is that honestly, when I look back at 2020, I’m not gonna remember much if anything aside from COVID and quarantine. Like I was trying to think back to what I did or what happened in 2020 and I couldn’t really think of much, but in reality a lot did happen. I then kinda came back to present time and I was like damn a lot did happen whether good or bad, but like here I am, here you are, here we are. And obviously since I’m a negative Nancy, I was moreso thinking about the negatives that happened in 2020. Some stuff honestly feels like years ago, but it was literally only months ago…like I finished my first year of college back in March/April but that’s also right when lockdown began but that literally feels like ages ago. I started talking to this girl at the beginning of the year and that lasted a few months and I was so hurt and heartbroken when it ended cuz I saw so m uch potential in it…that felt like a solid year or two ago…but that happened in like January lol. I started talking to another girl right when school ended and quarantine began and that lasted all of quarantine essentially, again was hella bnummed out when it didn’t work out but even tho that was only literally a few months ago it felt like a while back. What I’m trying to say (aside from constantly boring you with my girl stories) is that life goes on…and so should you. What do I mean by that tho? Life doesn’t slow down or take a break while you’re hurting or stressing or going through whatever…nah it keeps going, and the more time you spend in that moment of sadness or despair or anger or whatever…the more life you miss out on, more life shoutout to Drizzy LOL okay I’m sorry. Like when I think back to all the moments in my life (usually negative) that I’ve dwelled on…that’s a lot of time wasted. I say negative cuz usually most people do spend more time dwelling on the negatives than the positives. I still spend a lot of my time thinking of old friends, people I used to talk to, girls that didn’t like me back…but yo forreal that’s all time being wasted…because why, say it with me…life goes on, and so should you. Like for example, the girl I was talking to in January, she posted a pic of her and her boyfriend and I was conflicted…I was like oh dope I’m glad she ended up finding what she wanted, but the flip side of me was like hm, should I be feeling a way right now LOL. I didn’t, liked the picture and kept scrolling. It’s all about mentality tbh lol I had a coworker tell me wow you’re quick to cut people off aren’t you…and I dunno why what he said just came to mind randomly as I’m writing this lol…I was like nah not really dude I’m a dweller, I dwell on shit and I’m a hoarder, I can’t let stuff go. But lately…that kinda has been my mood, like honestly I have enough friends, I‘m good with the people around me…so it’s like if you’re not adding anything to my life or you’re just constantly a drag, then maybe you gotta kick rocks. Cuz I mean what’s the point of dwelling on things in the past, it distracts and prevents you from moving forward. I love giving this analogy but it’s like yo if you’re running a race, if you look back it just slows you down and even worse you might trip or fall. People love asking me about this one dude I grew up with and used to be hella close with and it’s something I think about all the time…but then I kinda tell myself…well that’s life unfortunately, people move on, life goes on. Like in a weird and lowkey pessimistic way it’s like yo why should I be sulking and being sad and thinking about the good old days when he might not even be breaking a sweat ab out it you know.

Honestly, I don’t know if any of this makes sense, I was just kinda rambling. I know it’s been 2 weeks since I last posted and I apologize. Tbh I wasn’t even planning on posting today, I was doing an assignment lol, I finished early and started writing and stopped and was like nah I don’t like how this is flowing, I kinda powered through that mental block and kept writing and here we are but I’m also seeing how long it is right now so I’m gonna stop here lol. I really hope what I said made sense cuz in my head it felt really jumbled and feels like I just threw a bunch of words at y’all…what else is new tho am I right LOL…see y’all soon, PEACE.

Things I Should’ve Said

So this is something I started probably 2 months ago or so and it was something that got harder to write as time passed cuz it was harder to rechannel the same emotions, feelings and thoughts so I just left it alone. But every now and then I'd try to get in the mood, channel those emotions and slowly chip away at it. It's funny cuz it took a long time to write cuz I'd write a little bit then be like okay this is too sad or I'm not feeling it, let's switch gears lol. But once I found a groove and saw a clear finish line, I channelled my inner Marvin's Room and finished it. 

Things I Should’ve Said
I hope you feel some type of way when you read this shit
I hope you’re thinking to yourself like “am I this chick?”
Like did I have a good thing but then I let it slip
Cuz I was scared to commit to a relationship
I know you didn’t want the title, but you wanted all the perks
Friends with benefits, but nah that ain’t how this shit works
I hope this eats at you for all the stress you put me through
And all the wasted time I spent chasing after you
Try to hit me up again but I’ve moved past your ways
Blowing up my phone like don't you miss the good old days
I was looking to the future, you were looking for some fun
I saw potential in you but I’m also prone to jump the gun
Honestly, there were moments where I thought you were the one
But I see a little clearer now that it’s all said and done
You were a blessing and a curse, but I learned about myself
The importance of communication and my own mental health
I learned to know what you want and never settle for less
I don’t wanna be with somebody who’s not willing to give their best
I should’ve known better when I was sitting waiting for your call
I learned to know when to cut ties when the writings on the wall
You didn’t wanna be a blog post, but I’m sorry here you go
All my heart, hurt and pain just in case you didn’t know
Leftover bitter thoughts, I had to let it all out
This is to and for you just to clear up any doubts
I hope you’re good I wish you well, I wish you happiness and health
I hope you take the time you need to really focus on yourself
I thought about you all the time, put it all into a rhyme
It was the only way I knew to help me get you off my mind
I don’t like these bitter thoughts and I don’t like this bitter place
These are all the thoughts you never let me tell you to your face
Words I never said, words kept deep inside my head
I’ve said all I can say so now I’m moving on ahead

RT

What Do You Think?

“Missin' out on my days, scrolling through life and fishin' for praise. Opinions from total strangers take me out of my ways.” Drake – Emotionless

So I was at work a couple weeks ago and I asked my work mom I was like what do you think of this shirt? She's like you wanna buy it, I'm like yeah I'm thinking about it. She\s like well do you like it and I'm like yeah. She's like well then it doesn't matter what I think, as long as you like it. I walked away and ended up buying it a week later. But that same day, for some reason what she said really hit me and it sat with me until now as I'm writing you this post lol. Cuz then I was at the gym one day and this Drake song came on and this lyric hit me hella hard too and I thought back to what she said about well if you like it why does it matter what I think. I dunno about you, but for me like I'm someone that loves to ask for opinions and thoughts on things...on if I should buy this, on what I should do in this situation or in that situation...it's always nice to hear different views and perspectives...but the thing with me is I\m always easily swayed or like sometimes I'll change my mind about something after hearing someone's thoughts. It made me think about how easily and often I and maybe you are affected by what other people say, think or may think. Like for example...if she had said oh got damn, that shirt's hella ugly or damn that wouldn't look good on you, I wonder if I would've still bought it...maybe yes, but it would have certainly weighed on my decision. It's kinda like how sometimes I've already made up my mind on a decision but I'll still ask for input and advice just to hear people out or maybe seek validation, who knows. So thinking about what she said and the Drake lyrics as well...I obviously started thinking of social media...and how that shit can be as toxic as it is fun and fulfilling. Scrolling through life and fishing for praise...I know so many people who post shit just for the likes and the comments and to show like yo yeah I be going out and stuff all the time. Don't get me wrong I'm definitely guilty of that too. Opinions from total strangers take me out of my ways...social media makes me super sensitive and you overreact to criticism...bro I'm so guilty of that. Like especially when I can see like how many people view my stories, are clicking my profile, or sharing my stories...that's a big one cuz my initial assumption is always that people are talking shit...cuz I think about when I share stuff to my groupchats, we're usually roasting people or just like hey yo look at this lol. So because of all this...the whole fishing for praise...and opinions from total strangers affecting us so much...it made me thini...DAMN, this really prevents and hinders you from living a happy life. Like obviously I could say well just get rid of social media and you'll be good...that's a great idea, but I know it's not realisitic for everyone. I think about for myself and for some people...how much time and thought goes into posting the right story, making the perfect caption, posting the right picture out of the 50 that were taken, getting the right filters, lighting, edits...all that stuff. I can't count the number of times I'll be like nah I'm not posting that, that's dumb, or nah I'll just take that down. But why do I feel that way tho...for one it might just be stupid...but a big part of it is like well nah people will think it's dumb or people will think it's stupid so I'm not gonna bother posting it. And if you think about that in like a life context...damn that really prevents you from living a life you want cuz you're so busy thinking about how other people might respond. So now I try not to judge what people do, post or say on their social media...unless it's like hella offensive of course...I mean like if you wanna post your dog, the painting you made, the food you cooked, the nails you did...you do that. Do what makes you happy, post what makes you happy. The more I think about it, I don't think I would've bought that shirt if she said it looked ugly...and that really irks me for some reason...cuz I'm like damn, I went in thinking it was dope, imagining dope fits...and someone elses opinions can totally sway my perspective on it...that's crazy to me. In that same sense man...not even just from a social media standpoint anymore...from a life aspect...do what makes you happy, do what you love...take opinions and advice with a grain of salt...especially when it comes from people who's opinions and thoughts aren't that important to you. I know this post is draggin on a bit...but y'all wanted longer posts lol and I just thought of like a bunch of random instances in my past where people's opinions stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. Like when I was in elementary school, I loved to play yugioh, but my friends didn't think it was cool. One day at recess I decided to play yugioh with these so called \nerdy' kids and I remember my friends seeing me, coming over and laughing at me...after that day I never brought my cards to school or played in public ever again. I took food and nutrition back in high school and dudes made fun of me cuz they said it's a 'girl\ course, dude I almost dtopped out of that course cuz of that...but they made cookies on the first day and I was like BET I'm staying. What I'm trying to say...is don't let people change your mind or your opinion on something when it's already set a certain way...now obvs it depends on context, but I hope you kinda get where I'm coming from. Do what makes you happy, do what you love. I have so much respect for people who can just do whatevery they want with no regard for how they come off to people...cuz they're so carefree, not in an ignorant way...but like, they're just living their life, they don't care what you think or how you see them. With that ALL being said, I hope thi wasn't too long...I'll see y'all soon, PEACE.

Breakups & Dating

So y'all really enjoyed the last post lol, a bunch of y'all hit me up to ask me follow up questions or just to roast that girl LOL. But moving on...a lot of people around me have been going through breakups lately. Now there\s two kinds of relationships, correct me if I'm wrong...there's the ones where you start off as friends then progress to dating and there's the ones where you start off as strangers (or acquaintances) and go straight to dating. Now strangers doesn't have to mean complete strangers, y'all can have mutual friends, maybe you're classmates, coworkers, the point is you're not friends and you go straight into dating. So back to the point about being around and having conversations with people who have been going through breakups lately...it made me think of this...what happens when couples break up in each of those scenarios. What happens when friends start dating, then they break up...and what happens when people who aren't friends start dating and break up? I feel like when you're not friends and you go straight into a relationship, it makes it (kinda) easier to move on and cut it off because y'all (for the most part) don\t have mutual friends and have no real ties to one another other than physical materials and like obviously the emotional attachment especially if you dated for a long time. I feel like when you're friends first, then you go into dating, it leaves room for a lot of possible awkward scenarios. Obviously the biggest one is like well do you stay friends or not...and there's obviously a lot of variables to consider. but like the question of whether to remain friends or not is probs the biggest issue. .Then there's like well what happens if y'all have the same circles of friends, do y'all chill together, do they have to split their time between people, it makes it awkward for the friend circle too. For the friends that I talked to...one of them who wasn't friends with their ex said that it made it a little easier to get over them because they knew they wouldn't see or bump into them at all. I'm also friends with a couple that broke up and have shared circles of friends which makes it really awkward when we're hanging out and there's a lot of he said, she said and picking sides and literally like I said, splitting time between people. I have another friend who has dated or seen a lot of girls on dating apps and when it doesn't work it, it's super easy for them to just cut it all off, block them on social media, or even keep them on social media cuz it is what it is and y'all were never friends in the first place. I can't count the number of random contacts on my phone, random friends on facebook, random followers on instagram that I'll be like yo who the heck is that??? Then I'm like ohhhh I met them on tinder or something and we went out a couple times LOL. Breakups are never easy and they're not supposed to be...I just had a little thought LOL, I'm literally that meme where it's like that one friend who's single but is always giving dating advice LOOOOL smh. Anyways lol, I have a friend who all his past girlfriends were girls he went straight into dating and he said it makes it less complicated if it were to not work out, which is an interesting perspective. I feel like for me...and this is also why I know dating apps aren't for me...I need that emotional connection...like I need to be able to vibe with you. And that's kinda where I've been at lately, great segway  I know. I was listening to a podcast and this dude who's like 35 or something, tall and super good looking, he's like yeah I've never taken a girl home from a bar or a club (not saying he wouldn't)...but for him he's like it's all about the vibe, the chemistry an the energy. He went onto say when the chemistry is right, it opens up everything else...and I really resonated with that. The question always comes up at work oh would you date a coworker...in general and ppl ask me specifically as well lol. It's interesting because back to the whole vibe and chemistry thing...as of late, when you meet someone or like are around them for a good enough amount of time...you kinda categorize them into either they're a homie or I would see myself dating them...now obviously that could change over time....but it's something I've noticed myself doing with people I meet or get to know. Just based on like the vibe, our chemistry and stuff...it's like alright they've got dope vibes, but they're just one of the homies...or it's like okay they've got a really dope vibe and I could see myself dating or pursuing them. But anyways...not sure how or why I segwayed from break ups to dating and vibes and chemistry LOOL...I'll see y'all soon, School just started so I'll probs hit y'all with an update on life soon, PEACE.

Fight Or Flight

So it’s been a while lol...I figured might as well come back and hit y’all with a funny story at least. So I work in retail and there’s been a few thefts lately at my store, we call them Code 11’s so when we say it on the walkie talkie, people won’t hear us go “yeah so someone just stole a shirt”. So anyways this was definitely a long while ago, I was having a conversation with a coworker in the fitting room and she’s all mad about something. For context, she’s like this really short 18 year old girl. So she’s all mad about something, I’m like what’s up. She’s like these 2 guys stole a shirt in the fitting room and I’m mad because I wanted to chase them down. She was like NO ONE steals from me. I was like first off, relax lol why do you care so much (I know eh I’m a great employee LOL). She’s like well I hate that it was on my watch and yada yada. She kept insisting on wanting to chase them down to confront them or like beat them up or something LOL. So I was like hold up...first of all, you’re like 5 feet tall and hella unintimidatihg. Second, there’s 2 of them and 1 of you and you don’t know if they have like a weapon of some sort. So here’s where the conversation gets good...but also a little concerning LOL. She’s like I don’t care, no one steals from me, I would’ve stopped them. So I started painting scenarios for her...I’m like okay, LISTEN, you’re telling me if you go and confront these dudes and say one of them pulls a knife on you, what’re you gonna do? I SWEAR I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP...she goes “I’ll take it away from them.” LOOOOOOL bro...I was dying but also super concerned for this girls potential well being. For more context, no she doesn’t know any kind of martial arts, she wasn’t trained by Ip Man and she isn’t related to John Wick or anything, she’s just some regular little girl lol. So I’m like hold up...you’re gonna take it away from them, what do you mean, how’re you gonna do that? She’s like I’ll just take it away. I honestly don’t think she was getting it LOL. So I literally changed the situation and was like okay what happens if someone tries to mug you on the street and pulls a knife or better yet A GUN on you, what would you do? My friends...I kid you not...she goes “I’ll take it away from them.” At this point I literally feared for her potential safety cuz I’m like if this girl ever faces a situation like this, she really gonna think she’s Batman and try to be a hero LOL. At this point I was like okay, let’s physically play out the scenario, in the middle of the fitting room where customers could walk back and forth (but thankfully didn’t) LOL. I grabbed a hanger and I stood like a meter away her and I’m like imagine I’m a robber, I’m pointing a gun at you and I’m telling you to give me your wallet, how’re you gonna take this from me? She literally tried to walk to me and take the hanger from my hand, I was like STOP, bro you’re dead. I had to end the convo cuz we were in the middle of work but I was like YO, just know and remember...if someone ever pulls a weapon on you and asks you for whatever, don’t ask questions and don’t do anything besides give them what they want. She was literally like are you sure????? I’m like BRO...if you take anything away from this conversation, it’s that if anyone ever tries to rob you, give them whatever they want. Don’t resist, don’t talk back, don’t try to call Batman, just give them what they want and go. I was like any material thing that you own can’t be worth your life. I walked away from the fitting room and I was like holy...I may have just saved a life LOL...if this girl (knock on wood) ever goes through something like that, she would’ve literally put herself in serious danger. Somehow a funny conversation about theft ended up becoming a serious conversation about fight or flight and knowing when to pick your battles LOL. Sorry I’ve been mia, I’ll see y’all sooner than later, PEACE.

Get It, Got It, Good

I think there's a small handful of people that you'll meet in your life who just get you...and vice versa. Maybe it's your best friend who knows everything about you, all your inner secrets, weird habits and unusual quirks. Maybe it's your partner who knows what and how to push your buttons. Or maybe it's that person you just feel comfortable sharing anything and everything with. I was really good friends with this girl way back when and every time I looked in her eyes, I could tell something was wrong, I just got her on an emotional level, she didn't really get me which is why we're not friends anymore, but that's not the point LOL. One example is like that meme where it's like oh when plans get canceled but you didn't wanna go anyways LOL, I'll send that to a friend and be like yo that's literally us. Moving on tho, I'm talking about people you share this weird intuition kinda thing with. Where you'll be laughing at something, you look at them and you both know what you're laughing at/ Or there\s so many instances I can recall where I'll be about to say something or a friend will be about to say something and we'll be like wait, you're about to talk about this aren't you LOL...it's like a weird mind connection. I love hanging out with these people cuz it's never complicated and it's always a good time. For me, it's a lot of things, I've been on dates or just hung out with people who are extremely uncomfortable with silence LOL. They'll feel the need to say something, anything to fill it, or they'll be awkward or assume I'm mad or something. Like chill, I just enjoy the quiet. Having friends that just get you makes it so much more easier and just comfortable because there's no fear of doing something stupid or being weird or awkward lol.

Rereading this post now, didn't really wanna post it lol...just didn't seem like a “good” or quality post LOL. But whatever, trying to do things more for myself and less for the approval or recognition from others...and that's a post I'll save for later. Till next time, peace.

Where Does The Time Go

I always feel a bit weird talking to y'all after not posting for a while lol...it's like when you meet up with a friend you haven't seen for a while and there's that initial awkwardness lol. I've just been thinking and reflecting a lot...like can you believe 2020 is almost over...like we've still got some months to go, but it's definitely nearing it's end. I dunno about you, but the only thing that comes to mind when I think about 2020 is covid and quarantine lol everything else is just a blur. It crossed my mind that I've also been at my job for 2 years...the longest I've been at any job, but then again my longest job before this was probs like 6 months I think. It's mid August, school is literally a month away and it feels like summer is just getting started cuz things are (somewhat) getting back to nromal. I'm at the age where like a lot of my close friends or just people I went to high school with are getting engaged or married...and as dope as that is, it makes me think like damn I'm getting old and damn where does the time go? I swear my brother got married like last year or something and he's having a baby girl in December, geeez...I'm gonna be an uncle...got damn. You know what's really crazy...seeing kids I used to teach or just kids I've seen grow up either start or are about to graduate university...to me it's like damn, they'll always be kiddies but they're like in their early 20's, starting to work, date or are like about to graduate (bars), that's just wild to think about. IT's funny cuz like my boys that I grew up with, we're all the same age so we're all in like similar life stages or have similar perspectives on life and are thinking long term in everything that we do. I have other groups of friends like my coworkers or my church friends where they're for the most part much younger than me and I def feel it sometimes because things like their perspectives on the things they're going through, the way they handle things or just the way they approach life is so much more different than me...and it's not a good or bad thing either, just an observation. It kinda helps keep me balanced because I def feel a step behind my boys sometimes when they're talking about houses and marriage and mortages and all that jazz, but when I talk with my other friends it's more chill, laid back and seemingly care-free because theur problems are much different. I think about the fact that I'm 2 years away from 30...and when I was a kid, 30 just seemed like alright you're GROWN GROWN, so like to think I'm 2 years away from that is very, very scary lol. But I remember this girl talking on her podcasst about like comparing yourself to your friends or just other people in general and how it literally is not beneficial to you in any (okay, maybe most) situation. And of course there's that cliche saying that like everybody moves at their own pace and such, which is very true don't get me wrong...but it's hard to digest sometimes when like your closest friends are seemingly miles ahead of you in life. But anyways lol moving on...time is flying by...thinking about the friends I grew up with who I don't really talk to anymore or perhaps lost touch with completely...and also the friends who I've maybe just met or known for a short period of time who I've grown really close to or see on a regular basis....it's crazy the journey life takes you on sometimes...the ups and downs, the friends and come and go, the girls that come and go, the transitions of life stages, the overal maturity of self...it's crazy. With that ALL being said, cuz I really don't know where I'm going with this or how I wanted to end it, thanks for coming thru and thanks for reading...I\ll see y'all soon, peace.