The One That Got Away

To be very honest, I’m not really sure how to start this post. It’s one of those posts I’ve really wanted to write but also dreaded writing at the same time. I had a thought like well maybe I’ll write this in like 5-10 years when the idea of being strangers has really sunken in lol. It’s also one of those things like I’ve mentioned before, the more you talk about or write about it, the easier it is to express. I guess what pushed me to want to write this post is just thinking back on how forgettable 2020 was as a whole and how everyone is looking forward to 2021 being even the slightest bit better. I guess this is just something I kinda wanna leave behind in 2020 along with everything else, it’s something that I’ve kinda held on to and been unwilling to let go of for such a long time. If you know you know, if you don’t…well I’ve written way too many posts about this person to count lol. I told y’all how I was listening to Sam Smith’s new album and it really inspired a bunch of posts, this one in particular. He has this one song on the album called ‘Another One’, it’s just the idea that the person that you thought was the one found someone else, another one. And this is probably one of those way too honest posts, but I mean if you know me, you definitely know this particular chapter of my life lol. There’s only been one, maybe two girls in my life who I can truly say I had a significant amount of attraction towards…fancy wording I know…I don’t wanna say the “L” word cuz I’m not even sure if it was that tbh. But I will say for this one girl at least, for the longest time growing up and when we stopped talking and grew apart…I always saw her as the one and also the one that got away. Now maybe you’ve felt this before about a guy/girl or maybe you haven’t…it’s a feeling that constantly leaves you wondering “well what if?” So back to the Sam Smith song, the lyrics just hit me really hard…he goes “oh congratulations you found the one, think I can finally face that I’m not the one, never was the one.” It’s just kinda funny cuz she recently got engaged and of course the people that knew me had to hit me up and were like yooooo you see it, you good???? LOL smh, but tbh I felt really happy for her and a weird sense of relief for myself, like weird closure in a way. I don’t really know how to explain it, it’s just like ‘permission’ or ‘reassurance’ to finally close that chapter of my life, permanently. One of my boys was like bro, she wasn’t the one trust me…maybe it would’ve worked out for a short period of time, but down the line y’all just wouldn’t have meshed. My other boy was like maybe in that moment in time where y’all were really, really close friends, the stars aligned and y’all were just there for each other in that particular moment in each other’s lives…but now, both of y’all are much older, much different and things you want and things you’re looking for are different, you’re 2 different people who shared a really dope period of time in each other’s lives, but that’s it. He went on to tell me like you can never replicate that with her no matter how hard you try because y’all are just 2 different people in different life stages with different wants, needs and goals. Going back to the Sam Smith song, he says “honestly I’m happy for you, I do not wish you no harm”, and I’m truly happy that she’s found someone and something amazing. But going back to the song, “you found the one, another one.”

For the longest time, I thought you were the one that got away, and it always bothered me that I never got the closure that I wanted and I was always haunted by all these “what ifs”. I dunno if this feeling I’m feeling is closure and relief, but I also accept the fact that sometimes you don’t always get closure and that’s a normal part of life as well. It’s weird, I’ve had dreams of like sitting you down and telling you how I feel even tho we’ve had these talks a million times, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really move the needle regardless. It’s crazy to think we haven’t really spoken like that in 2 years. If you ever end up reading this, that’s cool. It’s funny cuz back in the day when I used to write about you, I knew you would always end up reading it somehow, but for some reason this time feels different, good different. But of course, it’s not like anything I’m writing or saying is out of maliciousness or like anger, definitely not, more so acceptance and understanding. But like I said in the beginning, my whole reasoning for wanting to write this post and especially saving this post as the last one of the year…is just cuz man, it’s finally time to close this chapter of my life, like really close it. Cuz there’s times where I’m sure y’all can agree or relate where you’ll say you’re over something but somehow end up going back to it later in time. We haven’t spoken or seen each other (other than that brief instance) in what feels like forever, respectful birthday messages to each other stop, all communication pretty much cuts, you got your own thing going on and I’m really trying to work on myself and move on and move forward with my life…and I can’t do that without acknowledging what a big part of my life and my growth you were, but also that that chapter and period of my life is over and it’s time to move on. Got damn I feel like I sound hella corny right now…I apologize lol I was never good at being brief and concise. Thank you for everything and to quote Big Sean “in the end all you really have is memories, I hope that you remember me”…see y’all next year, peace.