Prayer Request

Today at work I met one of my co-workers and we literally just spent the whole shift talking and getting to know one another and also pouring our hearts out to one another surprisingly, he was really easy and fun to talk to. But any ways, talking to him made me realize just how much I have going on in my life and also how many unresolved things I have on my plate as well, yet I still keep adding things onto my plate.It's like you have a bunch of food, take a bite out of everything and proceed to go and get more food...like okay. But yeah, pray for peace I guess...and for strength to endure this really tough and tiring time with everything going on and all the stress and pressure I'm feeling from everything combined.

Business, Busy-ness...

I feel really distant from my friends lol, is that weird? Like I'm so busy with everything I feel I don't even get time to myself or time to just chill any more. I've been getting into arguments with one of my friends a lot lately and I don't think we've ever done that. Barely been seeing some of my church homies. It's just been work, softball practice, gym when I have time...and the little bit I have left over is just kept for myself you know. Not to mention summer school is still there, fellowship stuff, worship practices...man...feeling so overwhelmed for real, it's not like suffocating me...yet, but it is pretty tiring, this job is a blessing and a curse I swear because it takes up so much time and energy and I have to flex a lot of my schedule to fit work...which sucks...is this what life will be like when I'm done school and working full time?

200,000 VIEWS

Nothing to say but thank you...

Make You Proud

I remember as a kid...I always wanted to make my dad proud...especially when it came to basketball. Back when we lived at our old house and our backyard wasn't too big, 3/4 was grass...pavement was about the size of the free throw line...couldn't really drive left cuz of a brick wall, couldn't drive right cuz it was grassy lol...so just honed my shot over the years. I remember my dad making me do lay up drills lol...those were the days. And when my church played in a christian league, I was so excited one game when my whole fam came to watch me play...but I stunk soooo bad lol, I guess I was super nervous cuz I knew they were watching and I wanted to play well so bad lol. Anyways, that brings me to the present, every Tuesday I go play ball with a bunch of adults, my dad's friends from church and sometimes he plays and sometimes he watches...every time he watches, I feel like a kid again, doing my best to impress him lol. Today was nice, I played really well and he was sitting like right beside the out of bounds line, so every time I drained a shot or got a steal or whatever, I would always subtlely look at him lol...oh how things never change.

Thankful & Blessed

Sorry for no posts, been super busy, but this was definitely the highlight of my weekend...my church worship team surprised me with these...so bomb, 4 of my fave players as well lol. Been super busy...heading to my first exam now...30%, if I fail, will probs drop the course since other 2 exams are 30% and 40%, but yeah been studying all weekend. First ultimate game on Wednesday, softball game on Sat and work on Thurs and Fri night...sigh. What else...know I was a bit bummed before my birthday...but the night of, chilling with my friends def lifted my spirits, cutting cake with my fam and of course this...super blessed and thankful...on another note...200,000 right around the corner...special surprise for y'all, thanks!

Note To Self...

Just a reminder to myself to stop sulking and being sad about the people who aren't here or are away or are busy and things of the sort...and instead take that effort and energy and invest in the people who are here. Invest in those relationships and in meeting new people...I've been pretty up and down lately just cuz I guess I expected everything to be all rainbows and sunshine with it being summer and everyone being off school, but it feels like people are even more busier than when they're in school. So I guess instead of wishing for this perfect world or just waiting for everything to come back or whatever...take my time and build on the relationships with the people that are here, that have been here...and of course on creating and building new relationships. Leaving it up into your hands God...do your thing.

Too Much On My Plate...

Just thought I'd share with you how conflicted I am right now...pretty much I'm done training at work and gonna be starting and my manager said I'll most likely get 5-9 pm shifts...but my nights are all booked up...literally. Monday night dodgeball till the second week of June, softball practice Tuesdays, ultimate frisbee league Wednesdays, softball practice Thursdays, fellowship Fridays. Now I'm willing to give up one day of sball practice...but ultimate and fellowship I don't want to and can't give up you know. Mondays I'll be good soon...which'll leave Monday, and Thursday and hopefully she can give me morning or evening shifts for the other days cuz literally she could pencil be in all 5 days and I'd be good cuz my things are only at night lol. Throw in summer school in there as well...planning for fellowship every Friday...worship practice every Sunday...retreat worship team stuff...a social life as well...literally I'm dying man...was a job such a great idea? Man...God, please give me the strength and a skill to juggle and organize everything, please. I want it all to work perfectly, but we learned today in bible study that we're not in control...we just water the plants...YOU cause the seeds to grow. So God, I'm leaving everything in your hands, I know you will guide me through this.

22

So I shared with y'all how I wasn't really feeling my birthday and would prefer to have the day just go by asap lol...felt like everyone was busy or away and things of the sort, only thing I was really looking forward to was cutting the cake with my fam. Anyways, went to work at 12-4...got my name tag and my id card...feels nice that it's finally official...my first legit job, def feel proud of myself, about time lol. Supposed to have softball practice at 6...looking forward to maybe going to dinner with them after since I didn't have any other plans, but because of rain, practice got cancelled and here I was...no plans yet again lol. Messaged my friend who had a meeting till 9 ish if he was down to grab dessert with another friend and thankfully he said yes lol. At the same time my other friend, she texted me and asked me how I was and I told her I didn't really have set plans, she's like that's not cool let's go grab a drink or something. So we went to Starbucks and just had a nice time catching up and swapping stories, I definitely have a special and a soft spot for her in my heart. Any ways she dropped me off at the dessert place and stayed a bit and met my friends...after she left, chilled with my friends till like 11:30, just a good time in general. Came home and cut the cake with my fam. What can I say but God is good...honestly, this morning as I was sitting by myself eating breakfast before work, cuz everyone already went to work...I prayed to God that he would just help me get through today...and if something does happen that turns my day around so be it...and it's crazy how he pretty much answered my prayer over the course of today...God is good...he listens to prayers...we just have to be patient I guess and that's just something I'm learning. Oh right...last thing before I forget...was talking to one of my team mates on the softball team I'm coaching, she's new to the game and I recently met her and she sent me some really encouraging words that really hit me hard and I really appreciated it from the bottom of my heart...I'll show you a bit of it...but any ways thank God for another year of life...thank my family and friends for making it fun and memorable despite me being out of it...good company is hard to find, I love and appreciate you all. Thank you...

Birthday Blues...

I honestly don't know why it's getting to me so much lol...I'm getting pretty down about my birthday, is that weird? Like the people I have in mind to chill with are...busy, away or we aren't on good terms...I dunno, maybe something crazy will happen tomorrow and turn my day around lol, not looking bright though...not enough gonna bother trying to stay up till 12...feeling kinda tired and not feeling it lol...gonna sleep now...peace.

What Am I Feeling..,

I'm turning 22 in like less than 3 hours...and I don't feel excited whatsoever lol. I told y'all in a previous post that I'm usually really bout birthdays and stuff, but it feels different this year. I dunno...I told my friend at the gym this morning how last year my birthday fell on a day we had softball practice and long story short my friend took me to mcdonalds after softball practice where all my church friends surprised me and we went to someone's house afterwards and just chilled...that was amazing. Not saying I expect a surprise this year...but something just feels different...off...everyone's busy, doing their own thing, worried about their own lives. Even the only plans that I had tomorrow are probs gonna flop...looking forward to at least chilling with my friends tomorrow night and doing something fun or going to dinner and that might flop. Work from 12-4 tomorrow then might just loaft at home myself...sounds sad eh lol...or maybe I'll go to softball practice I guess, kill time...maybe go to dinner with them, come home and cut the cake with fam...at this moment that's all I'm looking forward to lol, cutting the cake with my fam, other than that, I wouldn't mind if tomorrow just passed by really quickly. I know I sound depressed and I'm not...I'm just in a funk, I honestly don't know what it is...everything is different this time around compared to last year...

Mood Music

Feelin' kinda down right now...but listening to this always cheers me up...not even hyping myself up...but this was the first song I ever recorded with my homie...super proud of it...I really wanna get back into this. I remember exactly what I was going through when I wrote this too,,,"my best friend turned into a dead end, I've written her so many words but didn't press sent"...meant for someone else back then, but I guess remains applicable to you to this day...

My Day Of Birth...

Usually I'm really excited about my birthday despite knowing lots of people who are like oh birthdays are just any ol regular day. But this year...well I dunno this month at least...maybe because it's been so busy...doesn't really seem that special. Everything feels different...off in a sense you know. Honestly not expecting much or anything at that for my birthday lol. Obv just family time and maybe chilling with some close friends. Is that weird...am I getting too old...literally just not feeling it lol...usually I'd be pretty hyped you know...not even cuz like I'd be having a party or anything...just I dunno...I'm into birthdays and those kinds of things. Looking back at how birthday parties were such a big deal...writing and giving out invitations...loop bags. Then as you get older, like dinners with a bunch of your friends, parties. But now...I dunno lol...not really feeling it lol...we'll see...still got a couple of days to bump up the mood...but I have so much on my plate that there's barely even any time to think about my birthday lol.

Old Flames Never Die

When I think of "the one"...only 2 girls really come to mind. Don't think too deep into that...really. Anyways tho...I was chilling with a friend today and we were just talking about my ex and stuff...how we chill a lot and are on really good terms. He always tells me to go for it and stuff and asks me why I never do. We dated a while back...like back when I was in grade 12...we were both really young. We had our ups and downs...but we're really good friends now. We talk, we still chill...and I consider her a really good friend and I think she feels the same. Sometimes when we chill, there's always that like comfortable feeling you know...like when I'm with her, it just feels nice to be around someone who I once had that felling for. And sometimes when we do flirt or whatever, I know we'll both sense that maybe there is something still there you know. And as much as my friend always tells me to go for her and stuff...as of late...more like right now at least...I guess I'm just asking myself more and more what's stopping me...what do I have to lose right? If we really do get along so well, have similar interests and genuinely care about each other...why not give it another try? Again, don't read too much into this...just a spur of the moment kinda thing I guess...we'll see what happens.

The Motivation

The more I think about it...it's like wow, I've been at this for 4 years going on 5. This blog has become...such a big part of my life. I honestly wonder where I see this blog in like another 3-5 years...another 10 years you know. My friends and I always talk about yooo what if one day you blow up on youtube or your blog blows up or something...lol wouldn't that be pretty sick. Or not even blow up per say...but like gain recognition or something like that...to the point where if you go out people actually recognize you or something lol...I wonder how different life would be. I dunno...just dreamchasing I guess...thinking about what the blog is now...and what it could become...what it'll be like when or if I ever reach 1 million views. I know this blog has a purpose in my life tho...whether that's to just be a source of expression...or maybe to catapult me into a different direction in life...all I know is that I do this...for me, to vent, to express, to share. But this blog has become so big and so important that you...you the reader have become a large motivating factor behind me as well. Without you...who knows where this would be right now, so thank you...and whatever happens...I can't wait.

God Is Good

What cna I say...the title speaks for itself. Literally just prayed a prayer from my heart yesterday and He answered it today. God, you know my heart, you knew that this would all unfold the way it did...and you are always in control...and I forget that sometimes, thank you for always being faithful even when I'm not. Pretty much I told you I was stressed and just had a lot of things on my plate. I was looking for someone to replace/take my place/co-lead the retreat worship team with me cuz I think it would be too overwhelming with everything I have going on right now. I asked my friend and I honestly didn't think he'd say yes cuz I know he has a lot going on as well but he gladly said yes and was actually thinking about doing it a long time ago...so wow that definitely lifted a load off my shoulders. God is good...prayer is powerful...and He answers prayers...you just gotta be patient...all in due time.

Dear God

God I'm feeling it again..that feeling of being stressed, of being overwhelmed, of having so many things on my plate and not enough time or energy to complete them. God I know you know my heart, I know you have a plan for me and I know that I've been through tough times like this before...you've guided me through them and I know that by your strength and your strength alone I will get through this. God you're testing me in so many ways, but I know this will only serve to help me grow as a person and grow in my walk with you. God I really just life everything up to you...all my hopes, my goals, my burdens...everything God, I trust in you and in your plan.

Joanlee - I'm Good feat. Lil Crazed

The jam at the moment...

First Job, Softball & STRESS

So yesterday was a super eventful day...went to the gym super early after dropping my bro to work...like 8, damn lol. Anyways, finished at the gym and called back the Sears lady cuz she left a voicemail saying she wanted to interview me. She's like can you come at 12, came in and there was no interview lol she's like yeah we don't need an interview, your friend has already told me about you, when can you start. I said anytime and she's like can you work 4 hours today...so literally on the spot worked 4 hours then went home lol. It was nice, boring though lol. Today was tiring as well...went to the gym, was about to leave the gym early for work and my manager called saying that it was senior day and gonna be really crowded and didn't want me to just sit there doing my training, so I didn't need to come in lol, so chilled with my friends and ate lunch with them. Had our first softball practice, about half the team showed up and we practiced with the other senior team, it was definitely a good turnout and a good practice. Lots of friendly faces and people and I'm sure it'll be a dope season, can't wait. Came home and went to play ball at church...man I'm actually exhausted...dentist tomorrow at 10, work at 12, crossfit at 7...geez. On a negative note...the stress is really getting to me...dodgeball league on Mondays (ends soon though), softball practice Tuesday.Thursday, planning fellowship every Friday, leading the retreat worship team, summer school (started yesterday and found out my first midterm is on the 20th), now a job...and just a bunch of extra things...man I'm trying to figure out how I can drop a few things cuz I'm literally going to be so overwhelmed...I'm already feeling it right now...man, pray for me please.

Guest Writer #7: LGSLAYER231

Guest Writer #1: SpeakingMyMind
Guest Writer #2: Letters To You
Guest Writer #3: TC
Guest Writer #4: Anonymous Queen B
Guest Writer #5: Someone You Used To Know
Guest Writer #6: Heartlocked

What You Didn't Know
Don’t even know how this started. I guess it goes back to Gr. 12. That year was a tough one. My mom was in seminary, sisters were moving into a new stage of life, And it was the year I became 18. Stay young, that’s my motto, but young-adulthood changed me for sure. 2011/12 was the year I’d fully taken in the abundance of feelings in my heart I didn’t know about, and a huge part of it was reconciling with my father.

I didn’t tell anyone at the time, not my fam, not my friends, not my ex, why I had wanted a job so desperately. Besides the internship at the surgical hospital, I was willing to take anything to come up with some cash to go see Dad and the rest of the crew in Asia. I had to see them face to face, ‘cause I’d decided on what I wanted to do with my life. I’m so sure of what I want to do, I felt like letting the whole world know, so naturally it started with fam. That declaration sorta keeps you accountable, kinda like baptism, y’know. 

It was great seeing all these people I haven’t met before, yet showed that familial love. It was really weird seeing my dad though to be honest, it seemed like he’d changed a lot. Let go of some worldly thoughts. The last time I had saw him was 5 years prior when he filed the papers. Felt like a stranger to me, and I put up the stupidest front now that I think back. All these years I’d never thought about it ‘cause he was never really around anyways. And meeting his wife and their fam and everything, i’ll tell you it was wack. She’s nice and all, but you could tell why he’d end up with someone like her, she’s easy. Had her own job, pitched in so they lived in an estate on the mountain, each had their own car, and half the time they didn’t even live there. No commitments. The day she left for work and my dad got back from work, Iunno why, but I had to let it out. And I did and it didn’t feel better. 

15 years back it was because where we lived was weak, and he was afraid of a communist invasion so we moved. He’d always say that he was going to get a citizenship, got his maple card, messed around going back and forth, left my mom to take care of us three, ended up not fulfilling the requirements for citizenship, blamed it on the government he’d chosen to come to and ended up staying there. Always blamed mom for being the ‘good cop’ and us for liking mom more. Felt you weren’t wanted. Tbh you were actin a pussy. Moving here was what you wanted, raising kids was what you wanted, things didn’t turn out your way and you left. You couldn’t see things through for whatever reason. Lack of commitment. Fear of instability and adversity. I let it all out. We we’re both in tears by the end of it, but it was what he said after that pisses me off to this day. “yeah it was my fault, I shouldn’t have brought our family to Canada in the first place.” He’s not wrong, I mean as the man of the family if you knew you wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure then yeah the move would be a bad idea, but of all the things you should have apologized for…the things that we felt owed. 

Of all the places of the world I’ve traveled, its surprising to say that so far, home has taught me the most about living, purpose, how to carry yourself, and human nature. 

We like things our way, and a lot of the times, it’s not the best way. Compromise means pain sometimes. The world has a hold on us that we don’t know. We’re weak to the world. Really weak. 

So if you’re reading this, this goes out to you. I hope you understand why I wasn’t there for you.

Everyday Feels Like The Weekend

What's up...just trying to keep up with this whole update thing at least so I don't go like weeks without posting lol. Yesterday...phone was down the whole day cuz my mom forgot to pay the bill lol, dropped my brother off then went to the gym. After that, went grocery shopping with a few guys from church cuz at fellowship we were having a family dinner where we just cook together, chill and stuff. It was bomb...we made taco casserole, bacon wrapped sausage and salad, also had drinks and chips, definitely a really fun night. Today was super long and tiring...woke up at like 8 and had to go help out for this softball event, just handed out packages and signed people up...stayed till like 1:30...not nice lol, it was raining too so that killed the mood for anything outdoors. Came home and literally napped till like 6 ish and took a shower and went to dinner with the fam as an early bday dinner for my bro. Went to this cafe my brother's been hyping about...wasn't that great honestly lol...I got chicken wings and ribs...ribs were not bad, chicken wings were not nice. One of my new obsessions is iced coffees from Timmies with extra syrup and a hazelnut shot, bombbbb...my sweet tooth kicking in lol. Other than that...only thing I'm looking forward to right now is the gym on Monday lol...

Late Night Confessions

It is what it is...