Guest Writer #2: Letters To You
Guest Writer #3: TC
Guest Writer #4: Anonymous Queen B
Guest Writer #5: Someone You Used To Know
Guest Writer #6: Heartlocked
What You Didn't Know
Don’t even know how this started. I guess it goes back to Gr. 12. That year was a tough one. My mom was in seminary, sisters were moving into a new stage of life, And it was the year I became 18. Stay young, that’s my motto, but young-adulthood changed me for sure. 2011/12 was the year I’d fully taken in the abundance of feelings in my heart I didn’t know about, and a huge part of it was reconciling with my father.
I didn’t tell anyone at the time, not my fam, not my friends, not my ex, why I had wanted a job so desperately. Besides the internship at the surgical hospital, I was willing to take anything to come up with some cash to go see Dad and the rest of the crew in Asia. I had to see them face to face, ‘cause I’d decided on what I wanted to do with my life. I’m so sure of what I want to do, I felt like letting the whole world know, so naturally it started with fam. That declaration sorta keeps you accountable, kinda like baptism, y’know.
It was great seeing all these people I haven’t met before, yet showed that familial love. It was really weird seeing my dad though to be honest, it seemed like he’d changed a lot. Let go of some worldly thoughts. The last time I had saw him was 5 years prior when he filed the papers. Felt like a stranger to me, and I put up the stupidest front now that I think back. All these years I’d never thought about it ‘cause he was never really around anyways. And meeting his wife and their fam and everything, i’ll tell you it was wack. She’s nice and all, but you could tell why he’d end up with someone like her, she’s easy. Had her own job, pitched in so they lived in an estate on the mountain, each had their own car, and half the time they didn’t even live there. No commitments. The day she left for work and my dad got back from work, Iunno why, but I had to let it out. And I did and it didn’t feel better.
15 years back it was because where we lived was weak, and he was afraid of a communist invasion so we moved. He’d always say that he was going to get a citizenship, got his maple card, messed around going back and forth, left my mom to take care of us three, ended up not fulfilling the requirements for citizenship, blamed it on the government he’d chosen to come to and ended up staying there. Always blamed mom for being the ‘good cop’ and us for liking mom more. Felt you weren’t wanted. Tbh you were actin a pussy. Moving here was what you wanted, raising kids was what you wanted, things didn’t turn out your way and you left. You couldn’t see things through for whatever reason. Lack of commitment. Fear of instability and adversity. I let it all out. We we’re both in tears by the end of it, but it was what he said after that pisses me off to this day. “yeah it was my fault, I shouldn’t have brought our family to Canada in the first place.” He’s not wrong, I mean as the man of the family if you knew you wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure then yeah the move would be a bad idea, but of all the things you should have apologized for…the things that we felt owed.
Of all the places of the world I’ve traveled, its surprising to say that so far, home has taught me the most about living, purpose, how to carry yourself, and human nature.
We like things our way, and a lot of the times, it’s not the best way. Compromise means pain sometimes. The world has a hold on us that we don’t know. We’re weak to the world. Really weak.
So if you’re reading this, this goes out to you. I hope you understand why I wasn’t there for you.
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