From The Heart: Self Worth

I've always had this lingering feeling in the bottom of my heart that I was never good enough. In life in general...sports, popularity, girls, school, friends. I've always had this unresolved conflict with myself with whether I was good enough. Good enough to make a sports team, good enough to be friends with certain people, to talk to certain girls, do well in certain subjects, appeal or please certain people. I've had a lot of failures in my life, but who hasn't. Some I brushed off, but some really stung and haunted me and stayed with me even till this day. I pride myself on being the underdog, the dude who wasn't handed anything onto a silver platter, but worked my butt off for everything. I wasn't born exceptionally athletic, muscular, smart, popular, attractive, none of those. Everything in my life, I feel I've earned and worked hard for. The person I've become was a long, painful road full of tears, blood and sweat. I've worked hard to become who I am and earn the respect that people have for me. In elementary school, I was a cocky son of a gun, but who isn't. But I really believed I ran things...it wasn't until grade like 7 or 8...where reality really hit me. Sports was my life, basketball was my life. I've never made the basketball team...in elementary school or high school...despite people's protests to try to get me on, I've never made a basketball team. I've made the volleyball team in elementary school but never in high school. Me being so into sports and competitive, these failures have really stung me and stuck with me...all the people who've ever said they were better than me or that I wasn't good enough, it started to really get to me, you know. Academics didn't bother me too much cuz I knew I wasn't smart...and what are the chances of you being the smartest kid in school...I just tried to slide by with average or slightly above average marks, didn't take school too seriously. But yeah, just this lingering feeling of not fitting it and not feeling up to par with everyone else. I was never the popular kid...I was kinda just the kid in the group, some people noticed me, some people didn't. I dunno, even up to this day, sometimes I still feel not good enough. But I think that's what drives me...as much as I love support and encouragement, I think I really do prefer hate and people trying to bring me down. Even as an athlete, I much prefer a hard coach who'll yell at me and tell me what I'm doing wrong and be honest instead of a coach who'll sugar coat everything to be "nice". I think this whole feeling of not being good enough and my past and everyone not giving me a chance to really be someone and show them I'm worth something...it really fueled me and shaped me into who I am today. I may not be the tallest, the strongest, the smartest or the most talented, but I definitely am gonna work harder than everyone else, maybe because I have something to prove...maybe because I'm not gonna be belittled...maybe cuz I want the spotlight...I dunno...maybe it's a mix of all those things. I'm not saying I wanna be the star...I'm saying, I'm gonna work harder than you...and I'm gonna amount to more than you thought I could. Maybe it's cuz I love proving people wrong...I dunno, deep inside, maybe it's cuz I have to prove to myself...that I was good enough to make those teams, be popular...or whatever. That's why I work hard at everything I do and that's why I'm really competitive, not to win or anything...I obv don't liek losing...but like...all my life, I was labelled as never good enough, almost there...but not quite, maybe next year, try harder, you''ll never be good enough. Those words always replay in my head and that's motivation for me, I love the support...but I prefer being kept down...cuz it pushes me to keep going and never give up...to be better and to show them I can do better than what they thought I could do...that's just me, I know a lot of these rants are really jumbled and here and there and jumpy from place to place...my bad lol, these are just thoughts in my head trying to get out, thanks for reading if you made it all this way.