Honesty Hour

This blog is supposed to be me being very honest, open and genuine. But as of late...I've been very hesitant to be real for fear of what others think, tonight's one of those nights where that's right out the door. Tonight...something I love...basketball...became something I didn't really wanna be apart of...allow me to be selfish for a couple minutes if you will. As I sat on the bench, watching my team mates run up and down the court...trying to catch up from a 10 or so point deficit...I couldn't help but fight feeling happy and selfish/annoyed at the same time. I tried feeling happy...I really did...I was happy for my team mates scoring, doing my best to cheer them on and keep spirits up. But here comes the selfish side of me...which pretty much took over tonight...the feeling of wanting to be out there ate at me so much. The fact that the same 5-6 guys were on the court the entire game (40 minutes) ate at me real bad. The fact that our coach was sitting on the sides pissed me off...cuz I knew I probably wouldn't get on for the rest of the game. Tbh I wanted to take my shoes off and put my clothes on right then and there,but I didn't cuz I didn't wanna be disrespectful...but tonight, I didn't really feel part of the team. Like I understand we all work hard, we all want to play, we all feel like we can contribute to the team somehow...but damn...selfishly speaking, I just wanna play...I work hard in practice, I pay my dues...and the less than 10 minutes I got tonight and the similar minutes I've gotten this season kinda annoy. ESPECIALLY when other people on the team can request/demand/force their way from the bench onto the court...THAT really pisses me off...here I am with my teammates each patiently waiting for our name/number to be called to get into the game while there are other people on the team who can ask who to be subbed in, who simply state that they're subbing in, who keep badgering the coach to sub them in. That pisses me off...it also pisses me off...in a sense...excuse me being disrespectful...how somewhat incompetent our coach is. Like a lot of my issues that I have...are related to the coach and his responsibilities as a coach you know. Again...excuse me for being selfish and disrespectful for a moment...but I'm very truly honest with you right now. Sitting on the bench...wanting to get on the court...genuinely believing I can help the team. So many things are eating at me right this moment...like damn...ughhhhhhh...I can't even put my emotions into words right now...but this season...as fun as it is sometimes...as cool as the guys are sometimes...it's been rocky for me...these past couple games...I'll admit I've been more unhappy than happy...again, I know and acknowledge it's a selfish mentality...but I wanna play...nuff said...I work hard in practice and I pay my dues...I believe in myself and my ability and think I can and deserve to be out there more...tonight...basketball....something I love and am deeply deeply passionate about...turned into something I didn't really wanna be apart of.