The Fear Of Falling

These next few posts were all written on the same day, was going through some things and had a lot of things I really just wanted to get out there, so if they sound kinda similar or have similar vibes, that's why. I was also listening to Sam Smith on repeat while writing all of these for some context lol. On another note, I'm super proud that I've been so consistent for the month of January, really wanted to end off the month strong, so here y'all go...
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When I was 11 or 12, I learned how to ride a bike. My neighbours, 2 brothers, had 2 bikes and had offered to teach me how to ride a bike when I told them I didn’t know how. With no training wheels or nothing, I got on the bike, my neighbour was like holding me making sure I didn’t fall and he said to start pedaling to which I did. After a while or practising, he left me on my own while he went off and his brother was biking with me. So as I was riding, I saw his brother biking towards me and I still wasn’t really good at turning and I literally crashed straight into him and we both fell and I scraped my knee. After that I was like nah, riding a bike is too dangerous. I’m gonna stick to my scooter cuz it’s safer and I can hop off at the first sign of danger. My neighbour was like yo, it’s normal to fall when you’re learning how to ride a bike, you can’t let that fear of falling stop you from getting back on the bike and learning how to ride. So I did just that, I got back on the bike, kept practicing and eventually learned how to ride a bike.

With life…man, you’re gonna fall, you’re gonna scrape your knee and you’re gonna get hurt…a lot. But you can’t let or shouldn’t let that fear of falling keep you from getting back on the bike. In life…you’re gonna experience so many setbacks, failures, heartbreaks and everything in between that if you were to let that fear of falling keep you from getting back up, you’d might as well lock yourself in one of those padded rooms so you never get hurt, but you’d also never live and experience the joys and the ups and downs of life. With ups, come downs…and the higher you go, it also means the higher the drop is. I’ve been at my highs and experienced the drops…and it sucks, it makes you think to yourself, well do I really wanna try to get to that high again if it means I might fall and experience all that pain and sadness all over again. That fear of falling, of sadness, of heartbreak, of pain, of failure…it can be hella crippling, it can make you wanna hide in your shell like a turtle and avoid any kind of interaction for fear of getting hurt. But that’s life and that’s the cycle of life….you fall sometimes, but you get back up, you experience highs but you also experience lows. And as with life…it goes on, and with time…everything gets better and starts to feel normal again…and even tho you might fall and scrape your knee…in time, that wound heals and you’ll be ready to get back on the bike again.

I’ve always believed and tried to preach that it’s not about what happens to you, but how you react and respond to it that defines who you are. If I chose to never get back on that bike again, I would have never learned to ride a bike and be riding that stupid scooter till I graduated high school lol. If I decided to not go back to school and just go on with life after I failed those 3 courses in university, I would’ve never completed my undergrad, I would’ve felt like a failure and that I disappointed my parents. If I closed myself off after every time a girl rejected me or things just didn’t work out…I’d probably be living isolated in seclusion right now somewhere in the mountains with a big ol beard and my best friend Spalding (if you know you know). What I’m trying to say is that when life hits you unexpectedly with a down...you can choose linger on that and let it eat at you, or you can choose to take it as it is, say thank you and go on your merry way. I’m definitely a lingerer and I always let things eat at me and I dwell on things…but this is me saying that I’m consciously making that choice…and also with the help and support of some of closest friends…that I’m taking the negatives that life throws at me and learning from it, chalking it up as experience and a lesson learned…another chapter in my story, a detour on my journey, a hurdle in my race of life…yeah yeah you get the rest lol. Setbacks in life are inevitable, but you always get to choose how you want to react and respond to it…and that’s a reminder for myself more than anything.

An Update On Life & Faith

I feel like the older I get, the better I know myself. Things like my work ethic and time management, even tho I'm a procrastinator...it's like I understand when it comes time to buckle down, focus and get things done, I can really get in a zone, turn on tunnel vision and complete a task. Things like knowing the kinds of people I like to surround myself with...from personality, to hobbies, to goals and even to their mindset on life. Things like the kind of girl I want to be with, the core qualities I hope she has, things that are immediate red flags. Things like finding joy and appreciation in things a lot of people take for granted like spending quality time with your family and constantly letting them know how much you love them. The more I've gotten to know myself, the more comfortable I've become in my own skin...and I've seen that translate into like a confidence or charisma when needed or when I choose to...like presentations, speeches, talking in front of a crowd or audience...to even interacting with friends, girls, supervisors and superiors...I find myself more comfortable in those situations and knowing how to kinda carry myself and hold my own as well. With life, I find myself again in situations where time feels like it's moving really slow and moving really fast at the same time. With school, it's already almost February and take in exams are in April and I'll be done my first year...in that sense, time is flying like no tomorrow. But say when you're waiting fot someone to text back, oh man does time feel like an absolutely eternity and it's move so dang slow. Working only once a week because of school really turns time into like a blur...I go in and I do my tasks that are needed, but I'm more interested in catching up with my coworkers and seeing how everyone is doing and what's been going on...so as much as work moves really slow sometimes, it's a nice break from school because I don't need to take anything home with me and I get to be around a bunch of people I like being around. With my groups of friends...I find that as you get older and as you move into different stages of life...it's harder to find time for friends because things like work, relationships and life take priority. The busy-ness of life is undefeated in that sense...and also distance plays a big part as well cuz it sometimes feels like I'm in a long distance relationship with my friends LOL. 2020 has honestly felt like a blur so far...time feels like it's been moving fast for the most part, but in certain instances or when it comes to certain situations in my life it moves hella slow. I look to look at the big picture and when I do...it really puts things in perspective...and time becomes like such a small dot in the grander scheme of things. I'm looking forward to being done school...celebrating my birthday in May, being able to chil with my friends, go on road trips or vacations, work and save up more and of course go back to Singapore with my family in the summer. There's a lot of things to look forward to once school is done...so I'm just reminding myself to grind it out and jump this last hurdle and I'll be free...for now lol.

With faith, feel like I haven't really kept y'all in the loop much because it's also honestly not something I've been thinking about directly a lot either. But it's one of those situations where I haven't been actively seeking God, but I'm positive he's been using the people, the places and the things around me to teach me and speak to me. I haven't been going to church for a good number of months that I can't even remember how many months it's been, definitely less than 6 I feel, but again who's counting. But I really wanna emphasize (especially after having a bunch of conversations as of late with my friends) that I don't think I've lost the faith, nor do I think (or hope to think) that I don't believe anymore. It's one of things things that started out as sleeping in one week, too tired or lazy the next, busy the next and it kinda just snowballs...and I just haven't found the motivation, passion or reason to want to go back, yet. I mean I left my home church with the intention of wanting to find community, a feeling of home and belonging, maybe even mentorship or some sort of guidance along the way. I never really found that, or at least found it hard to find that. I don't wanna get too deep into the nitty gritty of all that. But despite not going to church for a while, I've still found myself surrounded by God and by faith a great deal...whether it's my parents, my friends, bumping into people, random worship songs playing on my spotify, or the most coincidental of circumstances. I bumped into my old TC coach a good 3-4 times at the gym and one time we literaly had a 45 minute conversation outside of the washroom about faith and what I've been going through and he was really understanding about the idea that sometimes people go through phases where they fall off the path or get sidetracked, but eventually they always come back...and that's kinda how I illustrate it to people...that I'm kinda on a detour right now, but with all detours...they all lead back to the main path. I bumped into a bunch of my TC kids that I coached and was able to see how they were transitioning from high school to university. I've had numerous conversations with friends about life and faith. The biggest thing as of late is I've been chilling with a few friends who I used to go to church with, and they still go...so I always like to ask them how they're doing, how's the walk going, anything they're learning or experiencing...because I still genuinely care. Again, I feel like I'm starting to tangent, so I'm gonna stop myself...what's stopping me from going back? I don't know really...laziness, comfort, being stagnant, feeling like I'm in a rut. My biggest fear in going back and say trying to find a new community is just how hard it is being new in an enironment where everyone knows each other and a lot is on you to make yourself approachable and also approach others. I really hate small talk and I hate having to jump over hurdles of small talk to eventually finding a group of people I relate to or enjoy being around enough that I'd want to keep coming back...because for me, community and lack of community was a big reason why I began looking for a new church in the first place. So that's kinda where I am at the moment...a short, but also kinda long update on life...and on faith. Hope y'all enjoyed this one and I'll see y'all soon, peace.

Your 5 Closest Friends

So I’m really happy with the fact that I’ve been pretty consistent in posting to start the year off lol...we’ll see if that holds as time goes oh lol. So someone told me something interesting and t that was that you're the sum of the 5 closest friends in your life, then I heard something similar hat said you're the average of your 5 closest friends. Now apparently this is a really popular saying but it's definitely really new to me and I found it really interesting. A couple days after I heard that, someone in my class said something along the lines of like oh show me your 5 closest friends and I'll show you who you are. Those thoughts really struck me for some reason because it essentially says like you take away something from each of your closest friends and it kinda combines or fuses (FUSION HAAAA) to make you. It made me start thinking about thy 5 closest friends or even just the 5 closest people around me and I started reflecting on my own life and I was like wow, I see it. From how I talk, to how I laugh, to the slang I use or the little tendencies that I have. I started to see the influences my friends had on me and the things that I so called "took from them". It was really interesting and cool to think about. But ten it made me think a level deeper, the fact that there are a lot of people in my life that I have taken things away from, people who have contributed to my journey of life...things that I remember and hold with me to this day...and these are things from old friends, acquaintances, old flames, peers and even friends that I don't even contact or see eye to eye with anymore. Whether it's life advice, a random quirk or fact, personal or intimate moments, random encounters, you name it. There are things that I carry with me, that have shaped me into who I am today, things that I carry with me to this day...that aren't taken from my closest friends, but in fact the exact opposite. So as much as I agree with those thoughts listed in the beginning, the opposite is true as well. That a stranger or an acquaintance can also leave a significant impact in your life and on your journey as much as a close friend can. I started thinking about the fact that I'm a hoarder, and in this sense it's kinda a good thing...because something inside me can't let go of those moments, those conversations, those encounters because it's all played a part in my journey of life. So yeah, that's kinda just something I wanted to share with y'all because as much as I agree with the thoughts above and as hard as it hit me, the more I thought about it I was like wow the opposite can be true as well and I had a really good moment of reflection on all the people who have had some sort of impact or influence on me that I don't necessarily call my close friends. Anyways, till next time...peace out!

What You Do & Who You're With

I think I've always been somebody who believes that the people you're with is so much more important that what you're actually doing. No forreal hear me out, imagine like watching a movie by yourself vs watching a movie with your friends or your partner. Imagine a day full or chores and errands by yourself vs doing that with your friends or your partner, it makes a huge difference in how much fun you're having based on who you're with. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we're doing that we forget why we're making the plans in the first place, just so we can see and spend time with the other person. I definitely get caught up in like truing to plan fun activities, try new restaurants or things that are “fun” so that people will enjoy themselves, but all the while it's like maybe they just wanna spend time with you...at least that's how I think lol. Like I've went on vacations and road trips with my friends which were super dope...but I've also sat around and watched my friend get a haircut or help them do errands or sit around and watch movies or play video games. For me, it's always been about who you're with rather than what you're doing, but sometimes I forget that because you wanna impress people or you don't think you're fun or entertaining enough to be around and need to plan an actual activity. But I mean, different strokes for different folks so I get it. I've met people who genuinely can't sit down and be idle and have a conversation, they have to be occupied or doing something whether taking a walk or just physically being occupied so that they're doing something else on top of having conversation. I definitely understand that and I definitely understand the need for activities cuz it also prevents things from getting stale say if you're always sitting in front of anotherr person talking to them...I means some people are okay with it, some people aren't lol it is what it is. I say all this because so many times, plans will get changed last minute and sometimes you get down cuz you were really looking forward to doing that specific thing but it's like wasn't the whole point so you could spend time with the person in general. Or when plans change last minute sometimes it's like hey let's just flop since we can't do that thing anymore. I can't count the number of times I've been with my friends doing absolutely nothing and it made for some of the best conversations and most memorable times for me. I was reminded recently from a friend that hey, if you genuinely enjoy being around someone...it won't matter what y'all are doing cuz it'll get a good time regardless, this was after an activity flopped cuz of the weather and we ended up going somewhere and just talking which made for a really good and memorable moment. But yeah, just a little nugget that hit me recently...till next time, peace!

Standards

So I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a friend after he brought it up recently and was like yo something that you said stuck out to me, it was something along the lines of like “why am I trying to change myself to meet someone else's standards?” I remember exactly what I was talking about, but I feel like that statement or question can be applied to so many different fields and aspects of life. Everyone has different standards for different things, some higher and some lower and it all depends and derives from like our upbringing, our surroundings and our environment. I might go out and eat a burger from a random spot and think to myself well damn, this is the best burger I've ever had in my life. But if Gordon Ramsay goes to that same spot and has that burger, he might just be like eh...I've had better. What I'm trying to say is everyone's standards of something are different and you can't really go off something based on that or compare yourself or change yourself because of someone else's standards. I'll give you a more concrete and real example which I've probably shared with y'all in bits. So very long story short, one time a close friend called me immature and it just really stuck with me. Like it ate at me cuz in my mind I was like nah, I think I'm like just funny, relatable and down to earth or simple. But the more I thought about it, I would kinda keep asking myself...well am I immature? And it started to affect like my behaviour and how I talked and presented myself. I would be very careful with like what I said or how I said it for fear of coming off as “immature”. I started to ask questions like well what is maturity? Is it dressing in a suit and tie and being all clean cut? Is it using big words that no one knows and not using slang? Like when I say it ate at me, it really ate at me lol and I was like searching for answers, what is maturity and how do I change myself to become “mature”. After a while, I kinda realized and asked myself...why am I stressing so hard based on one person's assessment of my character? There are so many people who think like I'm funny for example...or super chill and easy to talk to...or really relatable and nice to be around...but I kept focusing on this one person's opinion and trying to meet her standards. It was really unhealthy for me because I felt like I couldn't be myself around her. Even when I had that conversation with my friend and shared with him all of this, it was like the first time I really vocalized and expressed it outwardly and it felt really good because I was so used to internalizing it or writing it on the blog. All in all, what I'm trying to say is that everyone has different standards of what it means to be mature, cool, rich...you name it...and it's honestly impossible to meet everyone's standards and unhealthy for you to do so. You gotta be happy and comfortable with who you are and embrace those who embrace you. If somebody is that critical of you or makes you feel like you can't be yourself around them, then maybe you gotta cut that negativity out of your life. Be yourself, that's all anyone can really ask of you, till next time...peace.

Energy

So I truly think that everybody has a little bit of introvert and extrovert inside of them, but obviously one is usually more dominant than the other. But most peoplea will tell you that like it depends on the situation/setting they're in as well as the people that are around them as obviously the more comfortable someone is, the more likely they are to open up and step out of their shell. I'm gonna add another layer onto that and say that the energy and the vibe that someone puts forth has a significant impact on the energy that you reciprocate back to them as well. Lemme explain what I mean...so it's a new semester and it's the first week of classes so it's a lot of like introductions to the course and to the people around you. So in one of my classes, the prof is like oh turn to the person beside you, introduce yourself and answer the question on the board. So I turn to the girl beside me and I introduce myself and she like whispered her name really softly that i couldn't hear her and had to ask her to repeat herself. So I was like oh so what do you think of the question, I think it was like how do you define family or something. She was like, family is blood...then like kinda turned forward and went on her phone lol. So I was like oh, true...so I was like oh I think family is this and that...and she kinda turned her head to me, nodded and went back to her phone...so I was like oh, true...so I faced forward and went on my phone, meanwhile the rest of the class is like still talking and answering the question or just chatting casually. Fast forward to my next class and it was the same thing, introductions, ice breaker, turn to your neighbours and introduce yourself and discuss the question on the board. So I was talking to this guy and girl and they were super like engaging and even after we had answered the question they were like oh so what year are you in, what program and stuff and in turn, I was more engaged and invested in the conversation. Now when I look at these two situations...both of them brought different energies to the table and so because of that, I reciprocated accordingly, does that even make sense lol. It's kinda like at work...when a customer comes at you all rude, yelling and demanding...you're just way les inclined to help them whereas when someone is super polite and courteous, you're more willing to go out of your way to help them with what they're looking for. It's just funny to think about because we talk about how the situation we're in and the people around us affects how open we are...but I also think that the energy and vibe that people put out towards you causes you to reciprocate that same energy back you know. Like when I'm with one group of friends and they're all loud, laughing and super obnoxious...I catch myself being super loud, laughing and obnoxious. When I'm with a group of friends that are more quiet and reserved, I find myself more quiet and reserved, I don't just start yelling and laughing hella loud out of nowhere. I catch myself doing that in all my classes...some classes I'm more open and down to speak up and talk whereas other classes I'll just keep quiet and take notes and stuff. It's just interesting to think about when you're interacting with people and you feel the energy they're putting out, see if you don't reciprocate back that same or similar type of energy lol...till next time, peace!

Guest Writer #35: Livelifeontheko

Hey friends, hope you're doing well...I'm super happy and excited to be bringing y'all BACK the guest posts. Like I've said, guest posts are my favourite posts because it's something different and refreshing. Feel free to check out all of the other guest posts linked below...lots of good insight, stories, experiences and just heartfelt, genuine emotion and expression. If y'all are unfamiliar with the guest posts, it's a segment on the blog where friends I've reached out to or who have reached out to me write a post on my blog...about anything and everything their heart desires. With that being said...hope y'all enjoy!

#1: SpeakingMyMind 

#2: Letters To You 

#3: TC 

#4: Anonymous Queen B

#5: Someone You Used To Know 

#6: Heartlocked 

#7: LG Slayer 231 

#8: TC

#9: G. Ho 

#10: Golden Frieza 

#11: Ghost Writer 

#12: Pink Precariat

#13: Disconnect 

#14: Daniel 

#15: Golden Frieza

#16: Someone You Used To Know 

#17: Yellow Rose 

#18: SpeakingMyMind

#19: Heartlocked 

#20: My Best Friend Agnes Part 2 

#21: Free Spirit, Wild Heart
#22: Inner Self 

#23: G 

#24: Nuji 

#25: Broccoli 

#26 

#27: Dak 

#28: Carmom

#29: Mike Bibby 

#30: B.C.K. 

#31: WG 

#32: Mike Bibby 

#33: Young Gerald

#34: Sbaby 

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Pedestal

As a kid I always strived to be better. Found or looked towards someone who people looked up to or was held at a high standard and be like them. For me, that person was my brother. He was always known as “that asian kid who was good at everything.” Whenever teachers or people older than me met me, they would always ask “are you his brother?” And I was always torn between being happy that I was recognized as his brother because I love him, but also didn’t know who I was. It was only when I saw the differences between my brother and I that I started knowing who I truly was. He was mostly good at sports and talking to girls, whereas I leaned towards the arts and was TRULY NOT GOOD AT TALKING TO GIRLS. I had no confidence due to being bullied and several small cases of racism. I thought I had always lived in my brother’s shadow and couldn’t compare myself to him. Even though I wanted to be like him, I also knew the things I didn’t want to be like and I adjusted myself to that part of myself. I wanted to be a good boy, bring apples for the teacher, pay attention in class, help people cross the street and open the door for people. I always tried to do good, it was something I learned and slightly innate. However, I was also rowdy, I was obnoxious and loved to make jokes with my friends and could not control my loud ass laugh. I stole as a kid, I loved lego to a fault and lied when my friend’s would ask me where their Yugioh card went. It was a horrible trait of mine to steal and then lie about it. It was half due to not growing up with money and being jealous of my friends. I remember one of the worst things I had done as a kid was steal my best friend’s Nintendo SP and pretend it was mine. He’s still my best friend but I don’t remember if I had ever paid him back but every little thing I’ve done to make it better helps me to forget. If people saw me now, they wouldn’t expect that I’ve done these things. Though these are just things I did as a kid in the past, I can still draw from these experiences that I was never a perfect kid. Even though many ladies at church or even my aunts often tell my mom, “wow arthur is such a great person, he always was and always will be.” Like no one will ever know these little things I’ve done, bad or good. And I know all of us, including me, can’t see everything everyone does and will always judge from what we see but lately I’m just getting tired of it.

Apologies for the long intro, but I felt like I needed to build up what I’m about to say. I know i’m not perfect. No one expects me to be perfect, but because of how I present myself, many people expect a high standard. As a Christian, and as how I was brought up, I try to strive towards a Christ-like life. But that doesn’t mean I will be like Christ all the time, or even ever, and people forget that. I’m human, no matter how good I may seem, I am capable of doing bad. I know there’s a reputation build up for people, not just of me but of an image of a nice and trusting person. But WOW, it’s hard you know. It’s hard to consciously and naturally do good. Sometimes it’s easy, like opening the door for someone. I can easily take a few seconds and open the door for someone, but maybe also had a “have a great day”. From what I can tell, I guess I do a bit more? I like to drive people home, sometimes engage in conversations, add my two cents, and listen to whatever they have to say. I like to ask how people are doing, maybe it’s an auto-matic thing or I genuinely want to know, but regardless, the question is asked. All these little things have made people create an image of me, and now I’m put on a pedestal. The same one I put my brother on. I remember the first time my brother let me down. It was an awful feeling, watching your hero fall. But I realized that he isn’t perfect, and neither am I. I also realized how people thought of me, and it must have sucked when I didn’t meet their expectations. I hope that one day people will know that I am just a human, not an alien. I’m just like everyone else.

Hello 2020

Happy new year y'all, hope you're doing well and that you had a safe and fun new years eve with family or friends or just doing something you love. For me. My plans kinda flopped last minute and I was kinda scrambling to figure out last minute plans, I ended up just chilling with a few friends and it was definitely much better than I expected or hoped for it to be. We didn't really do much the whole night but drink and talk to be honest...after counting down, we literally were just chilling and talking...till 6 am...by the time I got home, showered and went to bed, it was 7 am lol...like it was bright out, I was like true...gotta be up at 12 for lunch with my family, surprisingly I wasn't that tired the entire day tho. Aside from another year ending...it's the end of a decade...that's crazy...I definitely wanna do a decade in review post sometime soon...but for now, let's do a year in review. My friend asked me what do you think you had a good or bad year, or something along those lines. So I started thinking about all the dope things that I did or accomplished this year and here is what I came up with...

This year, I...

- went to San Francisco with a friend to visit another friend for a week

- threw a house party

- sold my house and am in the process of moving
- was downtown for the Raptors winning the championship and also the parade
- bought fast pass at wonderland...actually so worth tho
- got back to the gym super consistently
- went to a NAV concert
- went to New York with my coworkers
- went to a cottage with the homies
- hit my one year anniversary at work
- went back to school in September
- grew out and dyed my hair blonde
- finished the half sleeve tattoo on my right forearm 

- went to 2 weddings
- won a pair of shoes from a keymaster

Those are the things that jump out at me atm...for the blog, I didn't really realize it until my coworker brought it up to me that it's been a big year for the blog...we hit our 10 year anniversary and I was able to share and celebrate it with my close friends which was super dope. We hit 600,000 at the beginning of the year in January...then in June, we hit 700,000...September, we hit 800,000 and literally in the blink of an eye, in October we hit 900,000 views. Now...we're on the road to a million views, something I never thought possible in the wildest dreams...but it's happening right before my very eyes...best believe we gotta do something big for that somehow. Until next time...whatever 2019 was for you, know that it's a fresh start...whether it's negative things you can't seem to get over, a new year means a clean slate...or if you did a lot of dope things in 2019, challenge yourself to be better and do more in 2020...know that a new year is an opportunity for a fresh start and for you to make big changes or small changes in your life...it's a time to set goals and to do a lot of reflecting on the past and planning for the future. As for the blog...I definitely wanna change the layout soon and again, a million is around the corner...I'll leave y'all with that, peace.