I feel like the older I get, the better I know myself. Things like my work ethic and time management, even tho I'm a procrastinator...it's like I understand when it comes time to buckle down, focus and get things done, I can really get in a zone, turn on tunnel vision and complete a task. Things like knowing the kinds of people I like to surround myself with...from personality, to hobbies, to goals and even to their mindset on life. Things like the kind of girl I want to be with, the core qualities I hope she has, things that are immediate red flags. Things like finding joy and appreciation in things a lot of people take for granted like spending quality time with your family and constantly letting them know how much you love them. The more I've gotten to know myself, the more comfortable I've become in my own skin...and I've seen that translate into like a confidence or charisma when needed or when I choose to...like presentations, speeches, talking in front of a crowd or audience...to even interacting with friends, girls, supervisors and superiors...I find myself more comfortable in those situations and knowing how to kinda carry myself and hold my own as well. With life, I find myself again in situations where time feels like it's moving really slow and moving really fast at the same time. With school, it's already almost February and take in exams are in April and I'll be done my first year...in that sense, time is flying like no tomorrow. But say when you're waiting fot someone to text back, oh man does time feel like an absolutely eternity and it's move so dang slow. Working only once a week because of school really turns time into like a blur...I go in and I do my tasks that are needed, but I'm more interested in catching up with my coworkers and seeing how everyone is doing and what's been going on...so as much as work moves really slow sometimes, it's a nice break from school because I don't need to take anything home with me and I get to be around a bunch of people I like being around. With my groups of friends...I find that as you get older and as you move into different stages of life...it's harder to find time for friends because things like work, relationships and life take priority. The busy-ness of life is undefeated in that sense...and also distance plays a big part as well cuz it sometimes feels like I'm in a long distance relationship with my friends LOL. 2020 has honestly felt like a blur so far...time feels like it's been moving fast for the most part, but in certain instances or when it comes to certain situations in my life it moves hella slow. I look to look at the big picture and when I do...it really puts things in perspective...and time becomes like such a small dot in the grander scheme of things. I'm looking forward to being done school...celebrating my birthday in May, being able to chil with my friends, go on road trips or vacations, work and save up more and of course go back to Singapore with my family in the summer. There's a lot of things to look forward to once school is done...so I'm just reminding myself to grind it out and jump this last hurdle and I'll be free...for now lol.
With faith, feel like I haven't really kept y'all in the loop much because it's also honestly not something I've been thinking about directly a lot either. But it's one of those situations where I haven't been actively seeking God, but I'm positive he's been using the people, the places and the things around me to teach me and speak to me. I haven't been going to church for a good number of months that I can't even remember how many months it's been, definitely less than 6 I feel, but again who's counting. But I really wanna emphasize (especially after having a bunch of conversations as of late with my friends) that I don't think I've lost the faith, nor do I think (or hope to think) that I don't believe anymore. It's one of things things that started out as sleeping in one week, too tired or lazy the next, busy the next and it kinda just snowballs...and I just haven't found the motivation, passion or reason to want to go back, yet. I mean I left my home church with the intention of wanting to find community, a feeling of home and belonging, maybe even mentorship or some sort of guidance along the way. I never really found that, or at least found it hard to find that. I don't wanna get too deep into the nitty gritty of all that. But despite not going to church for a while, I've still found myself surrounded by God and by faith a great deal...whether it's my parents, my friends, bumping into people, random worship songs playing on my spotify, or the most coincidental of circumstances. I bumped into my old TC coach a good 3-4 times at the gym and one time we literaly had a 45 minute conversation outside of the washroom about faith and what I've been going through and he was really understanding about the idea that sometimes people go through phases where they fall off the path or get sidetracked, but eventually they always come back...and that's kinda how I illustrate it to people...that I'm kinda on a detour right now, but with all detours...they all lead back to the main path. I bumped into a bunch of my TC kids that I coached and was able to see how they were transitioning from high school to university. I've had numerous conversations with friends about life and faith. The biggest thing as of late is I've been chilling with a few friends who I used to go to church with, and they still go...so I always like to ask them how they're doing, how's the walk going, anything they're learning or experiencing...because I still genuinely care. Again, I feel like I'm starting to tangent, so I'm gonna stop myself...what's stopping me from going back? I don't know really...laziness, comfort, being stagnant, feeling like I'm in a rut. My biggest fear in going back and say trying to find a new community is just how hard it is being new in an enironment where everyone knows each other and a lot is on you to make yourself approachable and also approach others. I really hate small talk and I hate having to jump over hurdles of small talk to eventually finding a group of people I relate to or enjoy being around enough that I'd want to keep coming back...because for me, community and lack of community was a big reason why I began looking for a new church in the first place. So that's kinda where I am at the moment...a short, but also kinda long update on life...and on faith. Hope y'all enjoyed this one and I'll see y'all soon, peace.
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