Loaft Week

Aka reading week lol...had my midterm on Tuesday, my back was killing me...literally didn't wanna go to school...wanted to somehow get a doc note and write a make up cuz I could hardly walk no joke. I was walking down the stairs at home and my back gave out and I almost fell down the stairs, luckily I grabbed onto the railing. But it's been getting better for sure...Monday was probs the worst cuz I couldn't walk without holding onto something. It's been getting better...hopefully will get better before my basketball game on Sunday. Anyways...York used to have full week reading weeks...like my first and second year we actually got a week off...now they call it co-curricular week and it's only a few days...like reading week starts on a Thursday...and you're back to school Monday...like wtf is that lol...luckily I only have class Tuesday Thursday anyways, so I get somewhat of a reading week. But yeah, as usual not much going on...right now aside from my back, just relaxing since I don't have any quizzes or tests for like a week or two. But got an essay due like second week of November so I should probs get started on that lol. Haven't really been motivated to tackle the posts on my phone...my heart isn't into it lol but I promise I will get all of them done...sooner than later...guaranteed before the end of the year...most likely before then. On an exclusive note...I have something special for you guys...something I recorded like 2-3 weeks ago for fun cuz I felt motivated...hope you guys like it, will try to post it tomorrow cuz at first I wanted to redo it and make everything perfect but then I was like whatever...this is just for fun, on the spot kinda thing...who cares lol...

Life As Of Late...

Literally me...all the time whenever I meet people, no lie...

Worth The Wait

I'm not even gonna get into the apologies and ish lol...straight up I've been busy and kinda lost track of time...of life for a while. Been literally a lot to figure out in my life as of late...school, graduation, teacher's college, church stuff, everything lol. My life hasn't been much lately...school, work, basketball pretty much...my parents came home from Montreal on Tuesday so it's been nice having home cooked meals again lol. My back has been aching as of late...it may be because I'm flat footed and that puts pressure on my back or something...or it may be something else, something more severe...hopefully not...most people are telling me it's most likely because I'm flat footed and just always being on my feet without proper insoles is bad. What else has been up...basketball has just consumed my life as of late...any chance I get I wanna play lol, just a hunger to get better forreal. Literally still fighting with my pride and everything to let go and just give God everything...all my plans, all my struggles...everything...that He has something so much more amazing in store for me, I just can't see it now. So life has been pretty slow as of late...school's been pretty slow...October's about to end...but it feels like I've been in school longer than 2 months...tho I'm only in school 2 days a week lol...I also told y''all about how the golden plan may be scrapped and a plan B might be in effect...but looks like the golden plan still may be in reach...but I dunno how I feel about that cuz now I had my heart set on plan B lol. Literally I feel like crap right now cuz my back is killing me...literally the only time it doesn't hurt is when I'm lying down...I can't even bend to touch my toes...I had it before and it went away with some rest...but obv if it comes back, I wanna get it checked and fixed. But yeah man...other than that...it's just studying...quiz after quiz, midterm after midterm, notes on notes...pray for me man...that this all works out...grinding in school...studying hard...everything...pray for faith...and strength to endure this/

Sam Smith - Make It To Me

Sorry For The Wait...

Just so you guys don't think I was bs'ing you about having a bunch of posts lined up on my phone...obv this isn't the actual list on my phone cuz on the actual notes I use actual names and such to remind me...this is just a copy for you guys which I made during work...but these are real posts that I have lined up and just quick titles I gave them which I'll most likely go with...but yeah, so stay tuned and be patient with me lol.

Tests After Test After Test

Kinda cheesed right now...spent all day making notes from the textbook to study for my quiz tomorrow...got through a chapter and a half...my computer randomly shut down and word usually has a recovery thing...turned it on and my file was gone...like brah...and I didn't save it throughout the day...so like 6 pages of notes gone...the quiz is on 3 chapters...each chapter is like 20-30 pages...but still like dude...took me a heck of a long time man cuz I was reading and making notes at the same time...so kinda annoyed I'm gonna haveto work overdrive tomorrow cuz my quiz is on Thursday. Quiz sounds suss I know but it's worth a lot....6 quizzes in the course...he takes the top 3 marks and averages them...20% each quiz pretty much. man...it literally feels like after a test or quiz I immediately gotta start studying and reading for another one...literally hating my life right now...trying to balance school...life...work...basketball...church...friends...everything all at once...it's not nice since I know school has such an impact on my future...man this sucks.

Plan B

Told y'all about the golden plan a while ago...and been checking some of my midterm marks for a few courses and I've been doing well...some B's...some barely passes...checked my Stats midterm today, probs the one I was most scared of and I just barely failed...I'm scared now cuz the next midterm is after the drop date...which is the last day to drop without receiving a grade. So I can keep going and risk taking the next midterm and possibly failing the course...or drop it and do it in summer school and focus solely on that...I dunno what do you think? The golden plan was to do all my courses...graduate...start more school right away. Now if I do summer school...I'm gonna have to differ graduation...and I'll have so much time until the next school year for teacher's college or whatever college I wanna go to starts. But then again maybe this is a sign from God...to use that time for other things...maybe volunteer and help beef up my resume for teacher's college cuz that is one thing I was scared about...not having enough experience cuz I've only taught sunday school and volunteered on elementary school sports teams...God...help me.

Thankfulness & Resassurance

I'm honestly really thankful for my friends...talking to this one friend right now and she just told me not to worry...everything will be okay...and sometimes that's all you really need. She brought everything back to God and told me to rely on Him. I told her that I really needed a friend yesterday...that when I was in the car...the thought came into my mind to pray...but I brushed it off and kept scrolling through my phone. She told me that I have the greatest friend in the world...and he;s in my heart always...God...and bang...that's when reality hit. God is always there for me....to give me strength...a shoulder to lean on.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I have these words tattooed on my arm...and after talking with my friend, I just started staring at my arm...and reminding myself God's got this...He's got my back, He always has and always will.

Dear God

I'm struggling...I'm struggling to understand why you would put me in this situation...again. It's not even my life...but it affects me so much, God...help me...give me strength...I'm struggling, I'm not in a good place. My friend just reminded me that I can do all things through you are gives me strength...God give me strength. Thank you for surrounding me with people who genuinely love and care for me. But God...help me get through to Him...God by Your power I pray You change him...you also help me grow and learn from this...in whatever way you see fit.

...

8:10 pm
Sitting in my car right now...rain pouring down...so many numbers in my phone, but no one to call...no one to be there physically...never felt so alone.

8:25 pm
Still here just watching the rain pour...I really need a friend right now but everyone seems to be busy, voicemails...damn...don't know who to turn to...déjà vu

8:29 pm
Only thought in my head right now is that you're trash man...pure garbage. Family first...over everything, you're not worth it.

8:32 pm
I keep scrolling through my phone looking for people to call...I got nothing...I got no one...missed calls, voicemails...man

8:39 pm
Man I'm an idiot...texted him to tell me when he was finished a long time ago...we had plans at 8...fam first eh...

10:09 pm
Been outside my friends house since 8:45...talking, venting, thank you...bout to grab food alone...no text from you...thank you too, you're scum

10:11 pm
Drove past my house...still there, no surprise...might not sleep at home tonight

10:30 pm
McDonald's dinner for one...definitely going to be a night I'll never forget. Told my friend I'd sleep at home but I'm having second thoughts..

10:35 pm
Why does/is it bothering me so much...I really don't know...it's literally a million little things adding up into a huge thing. All I know is I feel uncomfortable, disgusting...and a stranger in my own house...I know none of this may make sense...I'll explain when my head is clear and I'm in a more stable state

10:56 pm
Literally not looking forward to going home...if I do...

11:05 pm
I guess I'll go home...

11:09 pm
Home...pull into the driveway and see them outside...didn't even bat an eye...got out the car, walked to the door, went inside...you're trash

11:37 pm
You can't just come in here and say sorry...like you spilled water on me homie...it's clear where and what your priorities are...

12:01 am
Calling it a night...finally, only thing I'm glad about is not having to sleep in my car...which was a legitimate option.

12:12

Last update...tonight, I really needed a friend, someone to physically be there for me. I called numerous people...no answer, voicemails, away or out of town...to the point where I was scrolling through my phone, looking at all these contacts, but had nobody to call, nobody to turn to...I'll elaborate on this whole situation eventually. Thank you to my homie, my brother, my friend...for being there for me when I desperately needed somebody. Thank you for comforting me and even offering me a place to sleep...truly truly I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Nights like these make me really appreciate my friends to the ends of the earth.

From Me To You...

These are words that I've said to your face...but words that I feel have never and continue to not get through to you. This feeling of constantly being worried about you has turned to being super annoyed with the decisions you make and the way your brain operates...and that feeling is slowly turning into a okay, do whayever you want...learn the hard way...I give up. It boggles my mind how much you don't think about the future...not even the future, but the next week, the next day and how your actions  affect that. You seriously need to grow up...I can't keep and more importantly I shouldn't be looking after you...it should be the other way around. I don't understand how one can think being in a relationship is like the ultimate source of happiness...has anything I've ever said to you stuck with you...it really doesn't seem like it. You always get yourself into sticky situations and it's always about the same kind of thing...you just never learn do you. I keep telling you to the point where I'm kind of getting sick of it myself if you keep just doing it anyways...it's time for you to man up. These are words you'll never read probably...but words I've told you in different forms and manners many times...I pray it gets through to you one day.

God Always Provides

I told y'all last week I had a midterm on Tuesday and I walked out feeling not that confident. During the exam I def blanked and tho I studied a lot, I didn't really study the right categories pretty much if that makes sense. But any ways, during the midterm, I was sitting there...freaking out, but I also told you how I felt content. Any ways...yesterday...I woke up...decided to check my marks and the midterm marks were up...out of 70...I got a 38...like a 51 percent or something. And it just really got me thinking...God really is good...as I had my eyes closed during the exam...praying...man...God really did answer it. It make me realize...I may never ever be a super smart student...I may never live in a mansion...be super rich...be famous...but that's okay. God will always provide for me..even if it's only just enough to get by each day...He will provide...and I in turn am learning to constantly give Him the glory whether He gives me just enough or an abundant...God is so good, thank you.

Guest Writer #9: G. Ho

Guest Writer #1: SpeakingMyMind
Guest Writer #2: Letters To You
Guest Writer #3: TC
Guest Writer #4: Anonymous Queen B
Guest Writer #5: Someone You Used To Know
Guest Writer #6: Heartlocked
Guest Writer #7: LG Slayer 231
Guest Writer #8: TC

One Step Becomes Two

I will begin giving a shout out to RT for letting me guest post. I met this dude in high-school took the same english class and that was it. We're cool enough for me to call him RT. The purpose of this post is to support and survive. We live in a world where we define and refine; meaning we give meaning and purpose to the finer details in life because washing my hands doesn't make me a hygenic being in the same sense putting in x amount of hours would make me a workaholic. But what are the finer details it's crazy to ask myself because I know and don't know which rules out knowledge. I love her and choose to not love: rules out infatuation. Simply what we do defines what we are as beings making choice decisions. We will never take a step in the right direction without thinking about a step in the wrong that rules out rules because that's what life's about living without boundaries and limitations, losing it like a maniac and being irrational. Before I sky rocket myself into some dark despair with the unknown orbiting my natural aura I will count breaths and humble myself. Life is not as forward as you believe it to be, the greater plan is for you to enjoy the moment.

Cheers
G. Ho

When Push Comes To Shove

Over the span of these few months I've had a few friends go to the hospital for some serious injuries. They were some pretty good friends, not necessarily people I chilled with on a consistent basis, but people I were definitely cool and comfortable with, so naturally I visited them. Made me think back to my injury in grade 10...how in the hospital...2 of my friends who I've known since elementary school were the first to visit me...2 guys I was cool with, but never super close to you know...and it made me respect them that much more...they brought me apples and a comic book which I still have to this day for sentimental purposes. Back at home the first few days before I came back to school...many of my friends visited me cuz I lived across the school and that meant the world to me. My friends brought like so many people lol...my one friend, I'll never forget, he's such an instigator LOL he brought the girl I liked over LOOOL. But anyways...it got me thinking...say right now, something happens...you break a leg, need surgery or whatever...something serious...and you're in the hospital...who would you expect visits from? If I were in the hospital right now...there are some people who I have no doubt would come visit me...and some, not so sure...and definitely there'd be some surprises in there as well. That's just a little thing to think about...who are the people in your life you have absolutely no doubt in your mind will come visit you and stay with you...

Guest Writer #8: TC

Guest Writer #1: SpeakingMyMind
Guest Writer #2: Letters To You
Guest Writer #3: TC
Guest Writer #4: Anonymous Queen B
Guest Writer #5: Someone You Used To Know
Guest Writer #6: Heartlocked
Guest Writer #7: LG Slayer 231

Apologies to the homie for taking so long to post this, it was sent to me like a week or so ago, but got caught up in a lot of things...thanks for stepping up and being the first person to do it twice...without further ado..................................................



Second time around, I’m ready to go. This past year has been a good year, a real good year. There hasn’t been much stress from school, I got the internship that I’ve always been jealous of, and I’ve been blessed with the girl that I’ve had a crush on for the longest time. To say the least, this past year I’ve really grown to believe that maybe I can do things by myself; I’ve grown confident in my own abilities. I have built my kingdom on worldly things, but as we all know any foundation not built on Christ will come crumbling down sooner or later…

This past month reality has hit me real hard in every aspect of my life. Where do I start? The internship. The job that I was so proud of, the job that I loved telling people about because of the sweet sound of it. “I’m working in New York, on the trading floor.” WHAT? Right…I loved telling people that. I tried to be humble whenever I told people, but there was always a sense of pride deep inside, that maybe I was going somewhere big in my life. That first week of work was probably one of the hardest hits to my reality. I’ve done many coops before, but never like this. I’ve never been yelled at, scolded at, and generally humiliated. I remember my second day, when I made a mistake at work, my boss yelled at me asking me “are you stupid, the answer is not on my face, so stop looking there.” That first week was real tough, I thought of quitting, I didn’t want to go back, I regretted taking the job, I wanted to go home.

Long distance. Man was I ever wrong at how hard that is. I thought it was going to be the same as before; but just a little distance, what’s that going to do? To say the least it’s been hard. I’m naturally insecure and jealous. I’m one of those guys that is constantly worried that she probably liked her ex better than me. I’m one of those guys that need constant reaffirmation that she still likes me, that she still misses me, that I mean the world to her. But the reality is she’s just not that type of girl, she’s never been. When I like a girl, I get overly attached, I put her priorities above myself and everything else, I center my life around her. When that’s not reciprocated I go into a panic mode, and question, why, does she not like me, what am I doing wrong?

Family and friends. Yeah the one thing that I thought I could always count on. Yea I can tell them about my problems, the struggles that I’ve been facing. But sometimes you just want someone right there, telling you hey everything’s going to be alright. Being in a totally different place, not knowing a lot of people is truly a surreal feeling, it’s when you really realize you are by yourself.

Isn’t it funny sometimes how god works, and how stupid we are? When everything is good, I don’t realize that it’s all God’s work. He needs to throw me down, and let the world step on me, for me to realize, “I’m nobody, I’m weak, and I can’t do this alone.” In this past month despite my struggles, I’ve never felt like I’ve needed god more, I’ve never felt more dependent on him. How can we as mere humans understand the work of god? I’ve started to want to go to fellowship more, to worship more, to be surrounded in the presence of brothers and sisters, and to thirst to know him better. As for my internship, I look at it as an experience, maybe a hard awakening to not be consumed by the title and money, but to truly pursue something you love with your whole heart, and to do it in a way to glorify god. As for my relationship, I’m trying, there’s still 3 months left, I can’t promise anything. But I know for one thing, my father loves me, he has a plan for me, and he knows what’s best for me. As for now, I will cherish every moment that I have with her, respect and adore her as a daughter of god. But one thing is for certain, I need to start focusing on myself and god, instead of putting all my hopes in her. We will see where god takes us, one way of another, I’m grateful for what has already conspired, and we can only see where this journey takes us. As for family and friends, I’m thankful for all the support that I’ve gotten, and the continual love for me. I’m grateful for all the people that god has blessed me in my life. As for now I’m going to keep grinding, keep my head high, and keep seeking Christ……

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.



Yours Truly,

TC

The Best

From The Heart...

God...I look back to some of the toughest times of my life...my knee injury...losing my wallet, my macbook...failing a bunch of courses...some of the darkest times in my life...I think...and I reflect and I put myself back into those situations and I try to recollect all the emotions and pain and fear I felt...but then I open my eyes and see myself in present day...and I'm alright. I look back to some of the darkest times in my life...and you were there...you were always there...from my lowest of lows...to my highest of highs. You were always there...whether in the form of the people around me...the things around me...or simply in my heart and in my mind...you were always there. God as I really fear more and more the future...school...and life in general...I know you're there...you're always there///watching over me...like a mother bird who frees it's young to fly away and become independent...even when I grow up, grow old...you're still always there...watching over me...even when I have a family of my own and deal with a whole new set of struggles...you'll still be there. God I ask for you to help me through this tough time...give me strength and courage to endure...I wanna trust you, I wanna put everything that I have into your hands...because I know your plan for me is far greater than anything that I can imagine. God I know right now I can only see what's in front of me...and the stresses and struggles of tomorrow...God, help me strive to be more like you. God I honestly can't wait for a couple years down the road...when I think back to this exact moment and laugh at myself for worrying and doubting you...I genuinely am excited for that moment...to look back...and say wow, God you are amazing, thank you for being faithful and loving. God I trust you, with everything in my life...my future, my family, my friends...everything, take me as I am...stained and sinful...forgive me God, I know and you know I've been distant from you...but you never forgot me...you never turned your back on me...and I know for sure that this will all lead to your glory God. Whatever your plan is...lead me.

The Golden Plan

So this is my 5th year and hopefully my last year...right now I stand at 66 credits and I need 90 to graduate...I'm taking 24 this year...12 this semester and 12 next semester. Meaning I have to pass and I believe get a total average of a C in all 4 years in order to graduate. Now this is called the golden plan because everything needs to run smoothly, pass all my courses, graduate in June, start teachers or regular college in September. If anything goes wrong say I fail or drop a course and this whole plan is donezo. And I'm already freaking out cuz I feel this plan is already getting out of my hands and it's only been a month of school. Studied super hard for my 30% midterm yesterday and didn't come out too confident. The course is broken down 30, 30, 30 and 10 in an assignment. One of my biggest fears right now is failing a course or failing a midterm, resulting in me dropping it before the date so I don't receive a failing grade and affect my overall GPA. But if that does happen, it'll ruin my plan to graduate and start school right away. I'd be able to say take it in summer school, but then would have to graduate in the fall in like October...then what would I do till school starts...work? I dunno...I'm scared...nervous...you name it, pray for me. During my exam, as I was freaking out and feeling pretty clueless, I thought back to Sunday during worship practice when we did a small sharing about God always being in control...and how sometimes He'll personally step in and be like just relax, I got you...and sitting there in that exam gave me comfort...in a still freaking out and feeling nervous kinda way...cuz I know that 5 years down the road...it'll all make sense...everything that I've been through and will go through will all make sense. But for right now...it's just really  hard to give EVERYTHING up to God and trust that this really is all part of His plan for me...pray for me man, school is scary...sometimes I genuinely question if it really is for me...and whether I'm just doing it just because I've already done it for 4 years (speaking about university)...like I dunno...God I trust you.