From Me To You....

This is from me to you. Whether you wanna talk to me or not, I'll still talk...you can listen, if you want. Whether you read this or not...I'll never know. When I write things on this blog, I don't expect everybody to read it, it often slips my mind how many people really do read my blog and take time to scroll through posts. When I wrote that post, it was a heat of the moment thing, I was feeling moody, it felt like deja vu and I was gonna go through all this ish again. So wrote what I wrote, with the thought that no one was gonna read it. I was venting...you know how people write letters they never intend to send, and they don't really mean what they say, they're just so wrapped up in the moment they need to express themselves and the minute they're finished, they're all better. That was me...but again, I'm not making any excuses...what I did was stupid, jerk-like, a dick move. I never meant any of the things I said, that thought only flashed before my eyes for a split second and was gone the next. I would never hurt someone I care about, and I would never ever hurt someone I care about as much as you. Whether, these words ever get to you, I'll never know, but I'm sorry, it was a mistake. You literally mean so much to me, which is why I never view you as a burden, why I never view you as using me. Why I love texting you every minute of every day...and why I love seeing you. I'm only writing all of this here on this blog because...well, you won't talk to me. And I hate when people say I'm hiding or talking ish behind peoples backs...it's a blog...it's like a diary for somebody...I'm just talking to myself. But anyways...I never ever meant to hurt you but I know I did, I never meant those words but I know you took them seriously. I care about you a great deal and as we've gotten closer throughout this year, you've become a more and more important part of my life and a part of me is selfish and wants to keep you to myself, but I know I can't. i'm not trying to be your new best friend, I'm not trying to be your boyfriend, I'm not trying to replace anybody...I'm just trying to be somebody you trust, feel comfortable with, someone you can laugh with, cry with, talk to...someone who'll be there for you. I don't have very many close close close friends I can tell things to and share my world with. In such a short amount of time, you became one of those people, I really do enjoy talking to you, you're fun to talk to, you're down to earth and a cool girl. What I'm trying to say is, I would never intentionally hurt you. After I put my phone down, I reread our conversation a few more times, sat in front of my computer...and all I could think about was you, not in that way...you know what I'm talking about. I felt bad...that I hurt you, that you were sad in the first place, that I was adding to all the stresses you already have in your life. I took a walk, just to think things out. I'm sorry...I hate the fact you always feel like you're being a burden to me, and you always hold back cuz you don't wanna use me....those thoughts never cross my mind...I want to be there for you, I want to lift your burdens for you, but sometimes I feel like you won't let me, because you're so stubborn you'd rather go through this alone when people are willing to help you. It's like when you've fallen to the ground and you'd rather get up by yourself when so many people are offering their hands to help pick you up. Which is why missioning to Sauga was no big deal for me, it was fun and believe me when I say I'm going to do it again...it wasn't a hassle...I was nervous, I was scared, but in my head, I was like...man it's going to be so worth it because I know she's going to be so happy that I came to surprise her. I dunno man....and I know what I did was dumb...and caused you to build more walls on top of the ones you probs already had with me...and I'm sorry....I don't care how scared or hesitant you are...you told me not to break down the walls cuz you'd be more uncomfortable and I'll respect your wishes. But know I'm still here for you whenever you're ready. I'll be right here on the other side of the wall, waiting for you...and whenever you feel ready...to let me into your life again...I'll still be here, on the other side of the wall...all you have to do is let your guard down. I promise I'll never let you down or make you sad....as cliche as that sounds, I know you're scared of those words because I know in your head...you're already picturing me hurting you again....but I'm sorry...all you can do is trust me, please. I'm sorry....I don't know how many times I can say it or what I can do...it was a mistake, I know you want your space...I'm sorry.