Life & Death

When I was young, I had an aunt that passed away and I couldn’t really comprehend the emotions that were going on around me. Everyone was crying, people were screaming and I was just like oh wow, they have candy and hot chocolate here. When it came time to cremate her body, they asked her daughter (my cousin) to push the button and she just could not stop screaming and crying and couldn’t bring herself to do it, as a kid, I just couldn’t understand what was going on and why everyone was so sad and such. I’ve personally never experienced what I would call the death of someone close to me so it’s hard for me to truly empathize what that feels like, but I can certainly imagine. I’m not somebody who cries easily or at all, it’s not even a masculine thing, it’s just not how I express sadness. At most I’ll tear up and there are a few things that are always guaranteed to make me tear up, one of them being the episode of Fresh Prince where Will’s dad leaves. But moving on, so I cried for the first time in a long time a couple of weeks ago…and I told y’all I’m not really someone who cries, but I found myself in a situation where I could not stop crying, like absolutely bawling my eyes out. Long story short, I found out that my cousin in Singapore passed away a couple of weeks ago. She was only like 22 years old, the last time I saw her she was a little kid, my baby cousin and then we lost contact and only reconnected a few years ago. Yeah I didn’t really know her too well, but when I was sitting in the car and trying to process it all, my heart just felt so sick and heavy and I just started crying and it wouldn’t stop. It’s been a few weeks now and I’ve had time to like digest and process it all and it just got me thinking a lot about life…and death. I think nothing wakes you up more about life and cherishing and enjoying it than death. It really puts everything into perspective, it reminds you who and what is important and also that nothing lasts forever. Not only that, but it makes me think about not wanting to waste time. We spend so much time working and grinding to be successful that we forget to just live and enjoy life because it’s not always guaranteed. I was telling my friend that after a certain point of working and making money for your own survival, it becomes about saving up for those after you, your kids and their kids and ensuring they have an easier life in the same way your parents most likely did as well. It just makes me wonder like when is it enough, like you won’t be able to carry over any of this material or physical stuff with you when you die, so what are you really living for? For me at least it just puts my own life into perspective that yeah I wanna work hard, of course I wanna set up my future kids with an easier life, but I also wanna live and enjoy my life cuz who knows when it’ll end. The other thing I’ve been thinking about as well is just how I want to be remembered and wanting to leave a lasting impact on this world or at least among my family and friends. Like what will people say about you when you die? How will you be remembered? Like oh this person was really nice, super happy and always outgoing or like this person was a dick, super selfish and always rude. Thinking about life and death just has me thinking about all these kinds of things, wanting to make the most of my time with my family and friends, wanting to live and experience and journey together with my family and friends. Whether that’s vacation, road trips or just outings and activities, anything to create more memories and just enjoy life make the most of it. I don’t really know where I’m going with this tbh, I think about my baby cousin who was only 22 years old…she had so much life ahead of her, dreams, goals, aspirations and she’ll never get to do any of those. I understand life goes on and tbh I was surprised and how quick I got over it or at least like how quick I kinda just got back to my regular routine of life because hey…life really does go on, no matter who you are and that’s also what got me thinking about wanting to leave a lasting impact and how I wanted to be remembered. But I just wanna leave on this note because I’m thinking about you right now, there’s so many things I wish I could’ve said to you, I wish we could’ve met up and hung up and caught up., This life is crazy and it sometimes feels unfair, my heart hurts thinking about you cuz when I think about you I picture my 10 year old baby cousin cuz that’s the last time I saw you. I miss you and I love you, I know you’re in a better place filled with so much happiness and joy. I can’t wait to see you again and I’ll always be your Rodmond gor gor.