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Head Above Water
Firstly, thanks to Rodmond for allowing me to contribute a post to his blog, means a lot to be given this platform to express my thoughts.
I had the hardest time really trying to sort through my thoughts and write this post, since there were so many emotions that I was going through these past few months. I wanted to write something that was coherent but also something that I deeply felt. So here it finally is.
The biggest challenge for me this past year has been trying to figure out where I stand, where I want to be, and what I’m currently doing to try and get there. I have trouble with timing, and I struggle with it a lot. I have these thoughts that I feel the need to be at a certain point in my life at a certain time. For example, I should have found a job at this time since graduating and figured out my career at this point in my life. It has always felt like I was running out of time. I needed to act fast, always do things that would get me from point A to point B as efficiently as possible. It’s been a gradual curve for me to learn that this timer that I keep hearing ticking in the back of my mind is just something that I’m using to pressure myself into trying to achieve what it is that I want. Yet, I’m still figuring out what that is, I’m still getting used to not always having all the answers, not knowing how to get them, and not always understanding certain situations and even other people.
After I graduated, I had the mindset that I would find a job relevant to my field to gain more experience and hopefully use that as a stepping stone to eventually start my career in something I want to do. It didn’t turn out that way, and months went by and I was still struggling to find something. It was hard to accept at first, after getting hired at my current job which is completely different from what I wanted to do. As time went on, even though I knew that this job wasn’t what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, I also knew that regardless, it was still something rather than nothing. It was still teaching me a lot, giving me skills, experience, and something that I can build off from.
This wasn’t something that I woke up one day and suddenly realized, but something I’ve learned these past two years and still learning. I’m still getting to know myself, still getting to know what I’m okay with, and what I’m not. I’m still accepting that I make mistakes, I’m far from perfect and I don’t try to be, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to be this person that never gives up. I try to constantly think positively and always have hope so that tomorrow seems more promising than today. I work at it every day, to appreciate even the little victories like having the mindset to be more proactive, plan my days to send out applications, update my resume, be motivated and stay motivated. I’ve really learnt to appreciate these small victories since it gives me a sense of comfort knowing even though I may not have results right now, I’m still doing things that will get me there one day.
It’s been a lot better these past few weeks. It’s a constant reminder to keep telling myself that things will be okay. Sure, I may not have all the answers, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. Things take time, hard work takes time but does pay off. I’m not alone in feeling this way either. The more I talked about it with friends, co-workers, family, the more I realized that I wasn’t the only one that had these struggles. I wasn’t the only one trying to make it to the next day without falling apart. I wasn’t the only one holding on to whatever and whoever I could to keep my head above the water. I’m finally letting go of the things I feared, the unknown, not knowing where I’ll be tomorrow, but working on where I am today. It’s good to finally take back control, even if just for a bit, even just for a few minutes, hours or a day. This is all something I had to figure out on my own, I had to realize it in my own time, struggle with it for a long time first before I learned to let go and let myself be happier. And it’s okay, it will always be okay.
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