#8: TC
#18: SpeakingMyMind
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As a kid I always strived to be better. Found or looked towards someone who people looked up to or was held at a high standard and be like them. For me, that person was my brother. He was always known as “that asian kid who was good at everything.” Whenever teachers or people older than me met me, they would always ask “are you his brother?” And I was always torn between being happy that I was recognized as his brother because I love him, but also didn’t know who I was. It was only when I saw the differences between my brother and I that I started knowing who I truly was. He was mostly good at sports and talking to girls, whereas I leaned towards the arts and was TRULY NOT GOOD AT TALKING TO GIRLS. I had no confidence due to being bullied and several small cases of racism. I thought I had always lived in my brother’s shadow and couldn’t compare myself to him. Even though I wanted to be like him, I also knew the things I didn’t want to be like and I adjusted myself to that part of myself. I wanted to be a good boy, bring apples for the teacher, pay attention in class, help people cross the street and open the door for people. I always tried to do good, it was something I learned and slightly innate. However, I was also rowdy, I was obnoxious and loved to make jokes with my friends and could not control my loud ass laugh. I stole as a kid, I loved lego to a fault and lied when my friend’s would ask me where their Yugioh card went. It was a horrible trait of mine to steal and then lie about it. It was half due to not growing up with money and being jealous of my friends. I remember one of the worst things I had done as a kid was steal my best friend’s Nintendo SP and pretend it was mine. He’s still my best friend but I don’t remember if I had ever paid him back but every little thing I’ve done to make it better helps me to forget. If people saw me now, they wouldn’t expect that I’ve done these things. Though these are just things I did as a kid in the past, I can still draw from these experiences that I was never a perfect kid. Even though many ladies at church or even my aunts often tell my mom, “wow arthur is such a great person, he always was and always will be.” Like no one will ever know these little things I’ve done, bad or good. And I know all of us, including me, can’t see everything everyone does and will always judge from what we see but lately I’m just getting tired of it.
Apologies for the long intro, but I felt like I needed to build up what I’m about to say. I know i’m not perfect. No one expects me to be perfect, but because of how I present myself, many people expect a high standard. As a Christian, and as how I was brought up, I try to strive towards a Christ-like life. But that doesn’t mean I will be like Christ all the time, or even ever, and people forget that. I’m human, no matter how good I may seem, I am capable of doing bad. I know there’s a reputation build up for people, not just of me but of an image of a nice and trusting person. But WOW, it’s hard you know. It’s hard to consciously and naturally do good. Sometimes it’s easy, like opening the door for someone. I can easily take a few seconds and open the door for someone, but maybe also had a “have a great day”. From what I can tell, I guess I do a bit more? I like to drive people home, sometimes engage in conversations, add my two cents, and listen to whatever they have to say. I like to ask how people are doing, maybe it’s an auto-matic thing or I genuinely want to know, but regardless, the question is asked. All these little things have made people create an image of me, and now I’m put on a pedestal. The same one I put my brother on. I remember the first time my brother let me down. It was an awful feeling, watching your hero fall. But I realized that he isn’t perfect, and neither am I. I also realized how people thought of me, and it must have sucked when I didn’t meet their expectations. I hope that one day people will know that I am just a human, not an alien. I’m just like everyone else.
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