How Do You Know When It's Time To Move On?

I know it's been a while, I know I've been gone, thank you for your patience with me.

How do you know when it's time to move on? Is it when you feel you aren't growing with them? Is it when you aren't happy and aren't feeling or seeing any joy around them? Or is it simply when you yourself just feel empty...like there's nothing left. When do you tell yourself, I think I've done all that I can do for you, If you remember Pokemon, I used to make fun of Ash for being so stupid and giving away all his pokemon...Charizard, Squirtle, Butterfree, Pigeot...I would always tell people he's so stupid for giving away all his pokemon. But now as I got older...I realized he gave them away because he knew that he had done all that he could do with them, that under him...they've grown as much as they possibly can, letting them go was letting them be free to grow on their own, to take on the next stage of life If names like Charizard and Squirtle don't mean anything to you...pretty much imagine a child growing up in his family. He doesn't stay with his family forever, he grows and learns and matures until he can't grow and learn and mature anymore under his parents...there comes a time where he must leave and go on his own to learn and grow and mature on his own, by himself, he must move on. Which brings me to my opening question...how do you know when it's time to move on? How do you discern between running away from your problems versus realizing you've done all that you can do and the best thing that you can do is to move on. Are you simply not moving on because something or someone is holding you back...obligation, responsibility, loyalty, what is it? One of the worst parts is when you try to think of a reason to stay (aside from the listed) and you can't. When you feel no love, no excitement, no purpose or direction...do you address it...or realize you've done all that you can do and the only thing left to do is move on. I know my thoughts are all over the place, I don't blame you if you don't understand where I'm coming from. My biggest thing right now is struggling with whether all this is temporary feeling or something permanent and lingering that's been developing for a while. Whether this is my own feeling and my own will and temptation to fall...vs God's will and his plan to open new doors for me.

Dear God

God you know my heart before I even speak, you know my struggles and my worries. I'm learning each passing day just how hard it is to give up everything and follow you. It's one thing to know you have a plan for me but it's another thing to have faith in it completely. God my heart's breaking for those around me...my brothers, my sisters...those here in Canada or overseas. I'm praying for so much love and strength their ways God. I know that you are so good and faithful, I pray you send constant reminders of how good you are and how wonderful your plan is. God I really pray for my brothers and sisters who are struggling, to find peace, to find purpose, to find hope, I pray they be led to you. God I pray for direction for myself...for peace and a sense calmness and comfort in this time of desert. God I pray you'll strength my brothers and sisters in their time of need and despair...that they'll look to you in tomes of trouble and of triumph and see goodness and see you and your glory. God I know you're there and I know you'll always come through. I'm reminding myself everyday that this journey, this race...is a tough one that will test my limits and hit me real hard...but I'm walking by faith, not by sight.

Is It Too Late Now To Say Sorry

I absolutely love this, saw it on Upworthy and it's totally true and I've recalled myself in every single one of these situations lol. It's crazy how powerful saying thank you can be...whether ordering food at a restaurant, walking through a door someone is holding for you or someone being there to listen to you rant after a long day. I think it's really about appreciation, people like being appreciative and it is nice to be appreciated. I really like this picture cuz now only does it hold true to real life, but it shows the power of appreciation and turning a negative situation into a positive one you know, Especially in asian culture for some reason, we're so quick to apologize for everything...which kinda plays into the stereotype of asian guys being shy, submissive and such. But yeah, take this post and reflect on it, see if you can pick out moments in your everyday life that you can fix and adjust. For me, I'm learning to appreciate everything in  my life...people things, surroundings...be thankful, be appreciative.

Fool Me Once, Fool Me Twice

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Shame on me for being an idiot...for telling myself things, but never really listening and adhering by it. Shame on me for always trying to convince myself that things are different, that this is genuine, that it's real. It is an weakness that we find strength...so I'm praying to find strength in this weakness. I'm such a fool...a sucker for love, a sucker for romance, for intimate conversations, for mutual interests, you name it. I let my guard down easily...tho I preach not to, I preach patience and cautiousness to others and to myself but it's hella hard to stick by it when push comes to shove and the situation is right in front of your face. J .Cole - I'm A Fool and Drake - Fall For Your Type pretty much sum up this situation...cuz I should know better, but I'm still a fool...yet I always fall for your type.

I think I'm too eager to fall in love so I jump in too fast
You think I'd learn from the mistakes that I made in the past
I know I'm grown but I'm still learning that this world's real cruel
Cuz I swear that I should know better, but I'm still a fool

Hello From The Other Side

Hello, it's me. What have I been doing, where I been, what have I been up to? I don't know really...I've been wandering...searching...for something...inspiration, purpose, encouragement, you name it. Way too much free time and not enough concrete things to fill it with. I've been praying for peace...not for anything specific other than that, but for me to have open ears and to take in whatever comes my way and just run with it. When you have this much free time, you can't help but think...about life, the things in it, the people in it...and your mood tends to shift hella drastically and very often I might add...it's been a weird, interesting, frustrating, relaxing period. I've been listening to a lot of music...I've been writing a lot...not like blog posts, but rhymes...it's been nice, relieving, fun. Again...with all this free time...my brain tends to wander...in a wide variety of directions...it;s cool, sometimes scary, but new and different...and sometimes that's good. It's all about perspective, am I right? Anyways, if you've read up to here and you're feeling confused, don't worry...so am I lol...goodnight.

I Hate Growing Up

So I told y'all this was a 2 part post, unrelated really...but this post and the previous post were both inspired by the same conversation I had with a friend. I think just talking with a lot of my friends in general...makes me really hate growing up...and what it does to everyone. I think back to my days in high school, how carefree things were...spending a whole Saturday watching TV or gaming with my friends...chilling with the boys. I think now...when I talk to my friends...things are so different...we're all over the place...Queens, Waterloo, Western...anywhere and everywhere. It sucks when I talk to my friends and we catch up and stuff cuz it makes me think about old times...which literally feel like yesterday...but also feel like an eternity ago. Everyone's just busy now doing their own things...even my friends who go to school in town...I hardly see them cuz they're so busy or they choose to stay downtown, growing up really takes a toll on you, on your life, on your priorities. I'm SUPER thankful for my one group of friends who I get to see pretty often because we're all in the same boat of being at home for school...taking a bit longer than usual...we get to chill quite a bit and I'm super thankful and appreciative for that. But just thinking about my other friends...how busy they are, how far away they are, how often I used to see them and how much things have changed...it sucks, seeing everyone slowly go their own ways, but I'm also happy for them too, seeing them succeed and achieve their goals and seeing all their hard work pay off. I guess I'm a sentimental guy...reminiscing on old, carefree times with the boys...goofing around, doing thing, having school work to do, but it wasn't that important or fun compared to chilling with the homies...I miss it, I hate what growing up has done to me, to my friends. As another year has come to an end and I become another year older...I become less of a kid, storing away my childhood for good and insert myself more and more into adulthood...picking up more and more responsibilities and more and more challenges that come along with it. I guess the one thing that I do know and am hopeful for is that even as we all grow older...most of us will still stay friends, keep in contact and still find time to hang out with one another. As discouraging as it can be to see your friends do their own thing, it makes me really happy to see them strive, work hard and hustle for their goals, their dreams and reap the benefits. As a friend, I just gotta be there to support, cheer them on and comfort them whenever they need me.

Once Upon A Time...

Hey friends, so I intended to post this yesterday, but I got lazy lol. So I guess you can consider this the first of 2 posts, they're not really related but they were inspired by the same conversation. I thought I'd start with this one and on a lighter note before I get into the heavy stuff lol. I was talking with a friend yesterday morning, you know who you are. It's crazy to think I've been doing this since 2009...those who have been with me then know how long of a journey it's been...those who've popped in here and there and read some posts here and there have glimpses into my life and the kinda person that I am. It's funny cuz I was talking to my friend and he was alike yo man, I can't wait for that post where you're like I've finally found the right girl, the one, he's like I'm rooting for you. It was quite funny actually lol...I was like dang...my life, this blog...is like a novel, a fairytale if you will...and I'm like the protagonist. You guys have seen me grow from a young boy...to I'd like to think...a man. You guys have seen me graduate high school...get into university...struggle stumble, improve, fail, conquer...and you're about to see me graduate university. For some of you guys, it's literally like a fairytale and some of you guys (hopefully) are cheering me on...rooting for the young protagonist to succeed...to conquer the quest, to get the girl, to reach that next level, whatever. It's really funny cuz I started thinking about it like that...once upon a time there was a young boy named Rodmond...and you guys have seen me go through so many obstacles, conquer so many battles and bosses in my life to get to the next stage, to level up, grow into a more mature person. It's really cool just looking back, I've been doing that a lot lately...looking back at old posts...my old struggles, my victories...how I used to view things and my ideals. All I really know now...is your young protagonist is still on this journey...I've made some friends on the way, I've lost some friends on the way...I've climbed over hurdles and mountains...I've tripped and fallen into ditches and holes...but I've always kept moving forward. Sometimes I've stopped, turned around to really take in how far I've come...but I never do that for long because I know there's still so much left to go, top explore and to see...my story is far from finished, there's still so much left to learn, so much room to grow and so much to do and achieve. I can't wait for my story to continue to unfold and for you guys to follow me on my journey and support and root for me in whatever way you do, thanks.

Late Night Thoughts...

Late night posts when most people are asleep tend to be the most honest...maybe because I tell myself that eh, no one will probably read it. That helps me be more honest I guess. I feel like this blog in general has made me a more open and honest person...about my struggles, my sins, my failures...to my friends and even to strangers. Things I used to and other people may hide or be hesitant to talk about...I mention very casually. Things like failing courses in university, something I used to be hesitant to mention, I've become pretty comfortable about talking about it. Things like past crushes, my love life and all that jazz I feel I've become pretty open about it. It's good and it's bad I guess...sometimes it makes me feel vulnerable...especially to strangers I guess, it isn't till after a conversation that I think to myself woah...maybe I opened up a too fast lol or maybe that was a bit much. I dunno tho...I like it, I like that I've become so comfortable with myself and my life...cuz everything from my struggles to my failures is all part of it, it's what makes me me. The last thing I wanna say...which again during writing this post, I was debating whether I wanted to mention it or not...but I will...is that I hate how I feel like I fall for girls too quickly...even tho I remind myself and preach patience and taking my time...I fall pretty fast for a really nice personality...or lots of common interests...or even one night of deep and intimate conversations. I gotta always remind myself to SLOW DOWN...think with my head, not with my heart. Take it one step at a time, be careful, be cautious, be patient but also be aware and alert, ready to take the next step when I'm ready. It's a long story, maybe I'll get into where this is all coming from in another post...till then, goodnight.

Look At You, Now Look At Me

You know how people always tell you not to care about what people think, it's true. Also, you know how people say to be empathetic, to try to walk in someone else's shoes and understand how they're feeling, that's very true as well. What's on my mind kinda combines both in a way. Like I understand it's important not to care about what people think of you, not to do things or change for other people, to be yourself...BUT I do think it's very important to be aware of how people perceive you and the image that you present to others. So in a sense, stepping in someone else's shoes and taking a look at yourself. So it's not like you're doing this to try to change yourself to fit what other people like or whatever...it's more so just to be aware of the image you're presenting to others and if that's what how you're intending for yourself to be perceived. Does that sound complicated? Here's an example from my life...sometimes, I can be very loud, friendly and just naturally comfortable with people...I think I'm being friendly and funny. However, one of my friends told me that to another person, I came off as cocky and arrogant, so I was kinda taken back cuz I was like woah, really...I never would've thouht someone could see me or see my actions like that until my friend explained it to me and then it made sense, my friend explaining it to me let me step into the other person's shoes and take a look at myself from a different perspective. So yeah, it wasn't like offensive, I wasn't hurt or anything...but it was really interesting to hear and see that like you might be trying to come off as one thing or one way but someone might perceive it in a completely different way and matter, yeah...that's just my little thing for today, hope y'all are doing wonderful, PEACE.

Losing My Balance

I'm reminded of the J. Cole song Losing My Balance...except my balance is something different. It's always interesting when summer rolls around for those who are in school. When summer rolls around, some people complain that there's too much free time and can't wait for school to start. That's kinda where I am right now...it's pretty much summer for me since I'm done school...if I get into teacher's college, that won't be till September, so I'm free till then. For now, I'm still volunteering and hopefully looking for a job as well. But in the meantime, I find myself having TOO MUCH free time on my hands...ironic eh. When I'm busy and stressed, all I want is free time, time to myself, time to do nothing. Now that I have all that time, I want something to do, something to pass that time. It's funny talking to people who are super busy with work or school and look at me and think I'm living the life because I have so much free time, but at the same time I look at them and see that every minute of most days for them is taken up and being used productively. I'm not saying  I envy them, but I'm  just saying it's funny how the busy person wants to be the  free person, and in some senses the free person wants to be the busy person. It's really hard finding that balance of work and play you know what I'm saying. Too much free time will drive you crazy cuz you won't know what to do with it...too much work will overwhelm  you and drain you. I'm struggling right now trying to find that sense of productivity and not just wasting my life away every day watching shows or playing video games, it's hard I must admit tho considering everyone else is at school or work so I can't just hit up anybody at any time, but it's something I'm being very patient about...this balance between work and play is hard for sure...but I'm trying not to let it eat at me, cuz legit today, I was feeling stressed for some reason, I thought about it and I was like wait, why am I stressed...I don't have any work to do, any assignments to complete or any classes to attend...so I took a deep breath and relaxed, it was hella weird lemme tell you that lol.

Love What You Do

So for those who know me, know my eyes are pretty bad lol, which is why I wear glasses. I haven't updated my prescription as of late, so I haven't been wearing them cuz there's no difference, so I'm pretty much blind lol, but I can still like drive and such. Any ways, so I went to this optometrist and she's actually the nicest lady ever, she looks really young and she's kinda cute tho, but I saw a wedding ring on her finger, so she's married LOL, but that's all irrelevant. She really cares about her job, I can tell...which brings me to my point today. I talked a bit before about why do you work...about whether money is your motivation. This post is a bit different...she kinda inspired this post...because I can tell she really cares about her job and about her patients. Any optometrist could've or would've just gave me a new prescription when I went in and sent me on my way. But she checked my eyes, saw something wrong and wanted to fix it, even if that meant seeing me every week or two weeks. I dunno, some people just see their job as okay...9 am is when I start, once 5 pm hits, I'm done, no questions asked you know. She could just see me as a patient and once my 30 minute or hour appointment is done, you're out the door. I get that feeling a lot of times...at the doctors or places in general...especially places with appointments, that they tend to rush you out as fast as possible...granted I understand they have other appointments and such, but literally they try to rush you out as fast as possible, not even using the fully allotted time. With my optometrist, it's really cool to see how much she cares and enjoys her job and genuinely wants to fix my eyes, not just constantly give me a better prescription every time my eyes get worse. It made me think about why do you do what you do...for the passion and genuine love for it...or just cuz it's your job you know. I've had this conversation a lot of times with lots of friends and there are some cases in which it's fully acceptable like if you're working to pay tuition off or as a part time job...but I'm talking full time work for the rest of your life...if you're doing it for the pay check and every person is just a number or an hour to you...I really question a lot of things. But yeah, sorry for the lack of posts, some days, I literally have nothing to talk about lol, nothing's been on as of late...I've been sick, if you're interested lol...I've really been trying to be still and to listen to whatever God wants me to hear...it's a new year, clean slate and I'm just trying to live and love life, ya feel...

I'll Never See Her Again

This is less of a story and more of me genuinely trying to reach out to one specific person, hoping somehow this finds its way to her. I write this in sadness...if you're here because you think this is some love story about a girl, sorry to disappoint, it is about a girl, but it's not that kind of story. Lemme rewind you a bit...back to when I was in early elementary...I remember visiting Singapore and my uncle from my dad's side had a daughter with his wife...they named her Joy. Couple years later when I was in high school, we visited Singapore again and she was much older, a little girl now...like in grade 4 or something, I don't know exactly. She was the sweetest thing tho...she would call me gor gor Rodmond and my brother gor gor Richmond, she was so precious. She was learning to play piano and she put stickers on all the keys labelling them whatever note they were lol. She wasn't fat, but she had a slight muffin top, so my uncle was always super strict in what he would eat, like no snacks or sweets and such. My aunt on the other hand would like sneak her chips or sushi here and there it was hilarious. We would go out as a family for dinner and my dad would go to my uncle and be like chill, just let her eat, she's just a kid LOL. She looked genuinely happy sitting there eating ice cream haha. Fast forward back to the present...couple years ago, my uncle passed away...leaving the daughter and the mother to themselves. I'm not gonna go into detail cuz there's a lot to tell...but pretty much the family on my dad and uncle's side never really liked my uncle's wife...long story short, it kinda drove her away, she literally wanted nothing to do with my family or their last name and she essentially cut all ties with us. I remember the last time we went to Singapore a couple of years ago, my mom still had her number, she reached out to her and she was like yeah let's chill...but just us 2, I don't wanna see your husband cuz his family doesn't like me...so my mom was like nah, I can't I'm here with my family for vacation, sorry. So you're all caught up for the most part...now, presently...that number my mom had doesn't work anymore, my mom, my dad's family, my mom's family...no one can reach her...more importantly, no one knows how Joy is doing, or ha seen her since that last time. It\s hella sad cuz we as a whole family, my mom's side and dad's side have talked about this so many times at gatherings...they still don't like my uncle's wife...but they really wanna find Joy...that's their niece...my cousin. Today...she's about 16 I'd say...but I haven't seen her since she was a little kid...my dad hasn't seen her since my uncle's funeral in Singapore, I only saw picture.s It's real sad because this 'beef' as my mom puts it (cuz she has no problem with her)...has pushed her away and she took Joy with her...my dad's niece whom he loves nearly, my cousin who I miss. I dunno why I'm writing this...partly to share it with you guys...partly because there's a small audience on this blog from Singapore...my family knows she's still in Singapore that's for sure, but they don't know where exactly. She most likely changed her last name...but she had a lot of contacts that my parents are positive that she still keeps in contact with, so if they really put 100% effort into trying to find her, they probably could. I dunno why I'm writing this tbh, I've been thinking about it a lot since my family christmas party and it was brought up. It's a cool story to tell yeah, but part of me knows there's a small audience on this blog from Singapore...and part of me hopes that this will somehow find it's way to her. I really hope you're doing well Joy, I hope you're in good hands, growing up, learning lots, maturing into a young woman. I'm praying for you...praying for strength, that you are most importantly safe and doing well. I KNOW our paths will cross in the future...till then, I miss you a lot.

Hello 2016

Greetings friends, I hope you're doing well, for most of you, enjoying what is the last of your holiday before going back to school. I'm writing this post...refreshed, picture me walking briskly down a path with clear blue skies in the air and a clear, clean, empty path in front of me. 2016 boasts a very interesting start for me...what I mean by that is I am going to have a lot of free time. I'm essentially done my undergrad, highly likely graduating in the summer, possibly starting teacher's college in September. So the question that enters my mind is...what now, what till then? Essentially I pretty much have now till September to do...whatever...anything and everything I choose. I'll still be volunteering as a teacher's assistant, my goal is to up to to minimum twice a week, hopefully look for a job as well to fill time, but other than that...school, which usually takes up mine and most people's schedules...is done. So the question I ask myself...is what now? Aside from some very minor things, I don't really see anything major on my plate in the foreseeable future...but I'm staying prepared and ready because I know God has something in mind, something planned...whether an actually thing or task to do...or something to learn, but funny enough...I'm excited...I say this now, but watch me regret it and be super stressed when the time actually comes. But for now...I'm very excited, I have a few things on my to-do list for 2016 that I'm very excited to get done...but for the most part, I'm ready...waiting for the next obstacle in my life,t he next situation or circumstance that God has in store for me. One thing that's really cool about writing in this blog is being able to look back at everything...from this year, to previous years...to even when I was in high school...man things have changed...I've changed, mostly for the better. Any ways, I won't keep you too long...toast to 2015...and a cheers to 2016...may it be a hear of growth, memories and improvement in all aspects.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

HEY FOLKS...happy new year...today is the first day of 2016, I hope you've had time to reflect and look back on 2015, the good...the bad...the memorable, all that good stuff. Also, I hope you had a wonderful new years eve, whether you spent it with family or friends or buy yourself, hope you enjoyed counting down the new year, out with the old and in with the new am I right? Usually, every year I chill with a bunch of friends...church friends, school friends and all that jazz. Usually it's at my house or someone else's house but it's usually a couple of friends and I doing the planning. This year was a bit different...this year I was invited to go to a cottage for new years eve and a couple of days after with a group of church friends. I felt bad initially just cuz I'm so used to and I wanted to spend new years eve like I always do, with a bunch of my friends from all the groups that I hang out with. I  was leaning towards staying at home because I figured if I went, a lot of my friends wouldn't have anything to do on new years eve, that and also I thought I would have more fun with them. So I had a talk with one of my homies and he was telling me to go, that it was a good opportunity and a nice and different way to spend new years, long story short he convinced me to go and now here I am writing this post to you from Prince Edward County...like a 2,.5 hour drive from Markham. Lemme tell you it's been such a fun trip so far. Yesterday we got in around 2-3 ish and the cottage was absolutely beautiful...behind it is the lake and you can tell it has to be amazing in the summer, but even now it was still beautiful. It's nice to just get away from all the stresses of life and just be around people you care about and who make you happy. So last night we counted down, played games, made food, all that fun stuff...I didn't sleep till like 5 lol. So today, I didn't wake up till like 12 pretty much and today was such a loaft, chill day, but I love it...everyone just sitting around, watching movies, playing board games, napping, it's nice, it's cozy and it's peaceful cuz it doesn't happen often. I'm definitely glad I made the decision to go...I'm a perspective and mentality kinda person...what that means is that half of everything is how you see i and how you feel about it...I came into this trip feeling kinda 50/50, but I'm definitely thoroughly enjoying myself and am super glad I did this, it's not every year you get to get away to a cottage for new years with like 10 of your friends. I hope y'all had the privilege of celebrating new years in a fun, eventful and memorably way as well...and today, hope you're spending time with loved ones, or just relaxing after a long night haha, till next time, peace.