Travis Garland - Didn't Stand A Chance

"What you think of me conflicts what you feel for me."

Clearing My Plate...

So honestly...all I've been about lately is school, church, basketball and Breaking Bad lol...no gym, no friends...no nothing. Haven't had time for any of that. But things are getting better...had my first of two exams today and it was an hour and a half but I finished in half an hour. It was an essay on either Casablanca, Simpsons or Advertising in Media...I wrote on the Simpsons...so confident I killed it. What else...the combined program with my church and the church we're branched from is this Saturday...but I've had a sore throat for like 3 days...we had practice yesterday and it was kinda rough...sang pretty softly, but things are looking good so far. Got one class Thursday, church program on Saturday, exam next Thursday and I'm officially on Christmas break. Last Sunday was my last week of teaching Sunday school...so that's another load off my plate...practice for the Christmas program on the 21st has been going smoothly and I'm def happy about that cuz my friend and I have been pretty much dividing the load and I really appreciate that. But as of right now...it's clear sailing till Christmas and New Years...BUT...I kinda...haven't started the project at all for the 4th anniversary of the blog coming up...not sure if I'll finish it in time...but I really do wanna do it, it's just time management is hard...sorry.

Feeling The Stress

Def somewhat feeling overwhelmed as of late...got so many worship practices going on that it don't even remember which songs are from which set...and I barely have had any time to study for my test on Tuesday, good thing it's an essay and they're giving us 3 questions to choose from. After that my last exam is on Dec 5th and I'm free. Combined church program on Nov 30, what we've been practicing for...then Christmas program on Dec 21 where we perform again..but hopefully I'll feel better after Dec 5 when mostly everything is off my plate. Literally have had no time to myself or my friends...unless I play ball or see them at school...so I know I've been lackluster but at the same time you could always hit me up. I've just been in my own zone as of late...all this work, coordinating, planning and stress has got me feeling all types of ways...definitely very moody as of late...and the only thing really getting me through it is basketball and Breaking Bad...haven't even been consistent with my workouts. I've just been mad moody...but that's a topic for another day I guess.

Trey Songz - Holla If Ya Need Me

God's Grace

It's only by God's grace, mercy and love that I am here before you today...21 years of life, of family and friends who support and love me. You know right now is just a tough time with school and lots of planning and coordinating for church stuff...it's pretty stressful, then there's the personal things like friendship and family and stuff...but that's the ups and downs of life. As hard as life is...I'm so thankful to God for the simple things in life that I take granted sometimes...the simple things in my life...that others would see as blessings. God has guided me through and given me the strength and boldness to make it and be where I am today. And I know and am confident that he'll continue to be with me...even when I turn my back and close the door on him...he's always there. God I know I've been slacks lately...in prayer...in devos...and I know every single day you are trying to pull me back to you...and no matter how hard I resist, you never have and never will give up on me. I think about all the hardships in the past...and how at the time it seemed unbearable and the toughest time of my life...but I look at my life now and go that was nothing. So I'm confident that this will be the same...that all my stresses and struggles right now...I'll look back on it and won't even remember it lol.

Dear God

I'm scared God...of the future, of life, of being independent, of whether or not things will be okay. I know worrying is a lack of faith, so God...may you teach me to trust You, to trust in Your Word and most of all to trust in Your plan. God I know no matter how many times I fail you, disobey you, sin against you an go against your word...that you still love me and are with me. God you've always been there to guide me through tough and difficult times...and I know that'll never change. God give me the courage to boldy and confidently live my life glorifying you knowing that you will provide enough. God give me peace, surround me with your love and fill my heart with joy. Thank you God...for being so faithful and loving...always.

Lecrae - Hang On

Finding Joy In Stressful Times...

Lately I've been really busy and somewhat stressed with a lot of planning and coordinating with church stuff, school and of course the everyday issues that come and go...it's been slowly but surely eating away at me...from my energy to just my patience and my happiness you know. The more you dwell on stress and how hard your current situation is, the worse you feel. So my church is having a combined program with the church we're branched from and my friend and I are organizing it and we're both also on the worship team. The program is at the end of November and we had only one practice before yesterday and I wasn't able to make it, so I was feeling a bit worried as to if we'd be prepared in time. So yesterday, I spent most of the day listening to the songs cuz they picked a bunch of songs that I'm unfamiliar with and like an hour or two before practice, just sitting in my room listening to the songs...it gave me peace, it gave me joy...just closing my eyes and really meditating on the lyrics...it gave me peace, despite how anxious I've been lately about everything, it was really nice. We had practice yesterday and it was just amazing being able to fellowship with my fellow brothers and sisters through song and worship. They told me they wanted me to rap and I had been informed about it before by my friend, but I thought he was joking, so I brushed it off, but today they confirmed they actually want me to do it lol. So yesterday night literally at like 1-2 am...I couldn't sleep and I was like hey let's try to get started on this...and I ended up finishing the whole thing in like an hour...and I actually really like it and don't see myself changing it around too much, so I might just stick with it. I swear...God's really been working in my and revealing Himself to me as of late...and reminding me that all this...all the so called stress and "work"...is all for His glory...to advance His kingdom and His gospel...and that...that gave me joy...it was a nice reminder.

"Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear. It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice."

- Philippians 1:12-18

To My Future Wife...

Two feet in the circle when you say you're ride or die

Together we'll go through failures and we'll celebrate the highs

My whole world begins to make sense when I look into your eyes

Because I finally get to pour out all these feelings kept inside

You sitting staring at me smiling with your hair untied

Our eyes meet, I know the love inside our hearts will soon collide

You don't understand how many times my heart broke inside

So when you tell me I should trust you, man it's hard because I've tried

You don't know how many sleepless nights I spent because I cried

Because the girl I thought I loved wasn't really down to ride

Don't show me with your words but with the love that you provide

And maybe one day we'll be walking down that aisle side by side

Just staring at your eyes, knowing that we have our lives...together

Your heart was the prize, just knowing you're by my side...forever

I tell you you're the one I've dreamed about all of my life

A shadowy figure but I always knew you were my future wife

The one I'm meant to spent all of my life with

The patience paying off as I'm given this nice gift

Of a good girl who'll always be there when I say need her

Polite and well mannered but her lips are much sweeter

I don't ever have to share what's on my mind because she knows

Our connection is so deep, I can see her with my eyes closed

She'll be my best friend, homie and my lover

Words really can't explain the love I'll have for her

Because this ain't the present, this a prayer for the future

That I'll find the one and truly know that I'm the perfect suitor

This is dedicated to the girl of my dreams

Hoping one day I'll find love and understand what it means

Throwback Thursday

I wrote this in 2010...I was looking at my old Facebook notes and stumbled upon this. I read it to myself out loud and I really loved the flow I had in mind and the lyrics...at the end of the post you can't see it cuz it wouldn't fit but I put that it was unfinished it and that I might finish it someday. I think someday has finally come because I really like where I was going with this...

Happy Birthday Mom!

The reason why I work so hard, my strength, my inspiration. I love you mom.

My Animal Counterpart

A lot of the times in get to know you sessions or when people ask questions about you...they often ask what's your favourite animal or what animal do you feel represents you. Most people would choose common animals...dogs, cats, lions, tigers...whatnot. And for a good part and even up to this point, I would choose something like a lion or something cool like a shark or a wolf. I would identify with a wolf cuz I'm like a loner at times but at the same time I have my crew or my wolf pack lol.. But today after crossfit I was sitting there and for some reason, this came into my head and I'm like wow...this animal represents me and probably a lot of people, but definitely me. I feel like the animal that represents me the best...is a...turtle...LOOOOOL. Let me explain, not being slow or whatever...but like I'll chill and be cool and be in my comfort zone. But then when things get awks or I'm out of my comfort zone, I'll like withdraw and hide in my shell...lol I dunno why that defines me so well...and probably a lot of people. But for me, I'll be out of my shell, chilling and being cool and talkative...but then I can withdraw and "protect" myself at any time I want lol...

Jhene Aiko - The Worst

The People You Surround Yourself With

Who you surround yourself with greatly affects how you feel, your attitude, what you say, how you act. And I'm so thankful and appreciate that I have the best people I could possibly ask for. I have people who are younger than me, who still manage to teach me things, and also allow me to teach them and mentor them with whatever experience I have. And moreso as of late...I have a bunch of older friends who have been through what I'm going through, who have more life experience than me...to guide me so I don't make the same mistakes they did, people I can go to when I have worries or concerns, people who genuinely care for me. I really love those people who can just see it on my face that something's wrong and will ask me what's wrong. A lot of the things I'm stressed with right now are all on me...and it's just something I have to figure out for myself and God. But the rest of it...I'm really glad to have been able to have nice conversations as of late with a bunch of friends...who I respect and have been able to give me lots of insight and guidance on a  lot of things lately. I'm at a good spot right now...I don't have everything figured out, I'm still struggling...but I'm at a good place.

Beth Music - Hold On We're Going Home (Drake Cover)

Privacy Please

You know as vocal and expressive as I am on this blog and on twitter...as honest as I am as well...I don't say completely everything that's on my mind...cuz I don't wanna hurt feelings, don't wanna get in trouble, and things of the sort. Sometimes, I just wish I could speak my mind, no borders whatsoever. I know some of you might say well this is your blog you can say whatever you want. Yeah, but I know who goes on my blog...well some people at least...and I don't wanna offend people or stir up unnecessary conflict...it's just not me. Sometimes, I wish everything I was thinking could just all be laid out in the open...cuz sometimes it's hard to put my thoughts into words. I dunno man...lately, it's been a struggle to find comfort...I've been feeling on my own on a lot of things as of late...or even the things I do I've been feeling unnoticed, unappreciated and undervalued. I know it's probs partly me isolating myself...but I dunno, I can't be feeling this for no reason right...I've just been pretty much sticking to myself lately...not really sharing what's really been on my mind with anyone...cuz honestly, even I don't know lol. I guess I'm just waiting for someone to ask the right question...or approach me at the right time...who knows. Deep down, inside every quiet or shy person...they just really wanna be cared for and whatnot...I learned that through experience, trust me.

Guest Writer #6: Heartlocked

Guest Writer #1: SpeakingMyMind
Guest Writer #2: Letters To You
Guest Writer #3: TC
Guest Writer #4: Anonymous Queen B
Guest Writer #5: Someone You Used To Know

I hate that you'll never know how much I care about you, you claim you do but I know you don't. And even if you did, you'd still never understand it. I don't even know what it is about you...compared to other girls, there's just something different about you that sparks something in me...that makes me want to go out of the way for you, even if you don't reciprocate it. That's probably one the of biggest things you don't and never will understand. How I feel like I put so much into this friendship and you don't reciprocate. That's not to say I do things solely to get a reaction from you, I do it because I genuinely care, but sometimes...it'd be nice if you did something for me, texted me first, approached me first, little things like that help friendships progress. I know it seems like I'm always cold to you...but I promise there's always a reason, I don't just intentionally ignore you for the sake of it...it kills me, but again you'll never know or understand that. I hate that I always get caught...trapped in your web, in your personality, in your smile, in your laugh...I hate myself for it, but I can't hate you, I don't think I ever could. As much as you annoy me...I couldn't. My biggest gripe is that I reflect and I think about all the things I've done for you and all the effort I put into this friendship to show you that I care...sometimes I just want something in return you know. Yeah, deep down I know you care...but it's kinda like faith and deeds, sometimes you have to back up your talk you know. And not to nitpick...but I don't even think you've ever given me a birthday card or a christmas card none the less...and I look back at all the things I've done or got for you, all the time and energy and effort I've thrusted onto you. And I know we're not in a relationship, so I have no right to ask any of these things from you...and as a friend, you should give without expecting anything in return...but sometimes you get so exhausted and drained if all you do is give and give and give and the other person just takes and takes and takes...the person who gives is eventually going to have nothing left. I've told you how I felt before about all these things, about you, about us...and it hasn't changed, that last time you asked me that question...the answer is still the same, you don't have to worry...but just because there's nothing between us doesn't mean you can just throw me aside you know. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. Some of you guys might think I'm expecting too much...or I'm thinking too much...or I'm going crazy...and maybe I am, but the evidence is there...or not there at least. The question I ask myself is have there been any stand out points in our friendship where you've shown me how much you cared about me? You don't even need to flip that back onto me cuz there are MANY. But yeah...I guess that's why I've been distancing myself a lot from you lately....because it hurts...and I wanna see if I mean enough for you to reach out to me for once, we'll see. It's been a long time since we've sat down and had a legitimate conversation...and I remember all the things you said to me the last time. Another thing is that I always seem to have to be the one to ask you to chill...and the last time you said next time...and here we are, it never happened. Just little things like that you know...it shows...how much you care about someone, it shows in your effort, in your action...not just your words. But again...all of these things, I don't expect you to ever know...and much more understand.

Patiently Waiting...

I'm waiting for that day that I'll have one bold guest writer who'll use their real name LOL. It's not that big a thing...but like...be honest, be confident in your opinions and in who you are you know...obv I know some things are personal, but at the same time, this is you, this is who you are and what you stand for, don't be ashamed of that lol. Also, if you wanna write for my blog, don't be afraid to ask me...there's been 5 guest writers so far...4 of them I asked myself...the 5th one who was also the first guest writer approached me first...and he asked me...so yeah, if you're interested, shoot me a message. But yeah, be bold...be confident, this is you.

Jhene Aiko - Bed Peace feat. Childish Gambino

Guest Writer #5: Someone You Used To Know

Guest Writer #1: SpeakingMyMind
Guest Writer #2: Letters To You
Guest Writer #3: TC
Guest Writer #4: Anonymous Queen B

The World We Live In

We live in a world... where we are ushered into to become adults while still having a child's mentality. Four years after highschool, we have to determine what we want to do with our lives. I mean for some people, they know exactly what they want to do and I mean to all the power to you. But a lot of us are in constant contemplation if the program we are in will actually work out for us. To be quite honest, I was in the same boat. Three years into a program completed, had a year and a bit left. But the constant worries of whether or not what I was doing would land me a great job, made me look elsewhere because in today's job market... there isn't that many jobs at all. My plan was law school and teachers college, but with the amount of teachers that have lost their jobs... makes you question will I ever find a good job. Which is why I transitioned into a completely different program, leaving close friends behind which I rarely see anymore which I miss their company immensely but I had to what was best for me.... Some may question why I changed programs when I had like a year left. I mean yeah your're right but at the same time, I value TIME more than MONEY any day. Cause with money you can always make that back, but a second goes by and you can never make that back... Which is why I made that decision.I know a lot of my friends who graduated from university, but went back for school because there wasn't any jobs available for them. Which is why I made the decision to change programs all together, so my advice to anyone who reads this... is actually use the time you have now to think about what you want to do with your lives... cause once you let that second go by... There is no way its coming back... like 2pac said... "You see the old way wasn'tworking so it's on us to do..what we gotta do to survive/

LOL of the Moment

The Struggle...The Motivation

So today I pretty much spent the whole day with my mom doing errands, grocery shopping and driving her around...things like that. We were able to talk a lot and it definitely put my life into perspective concerning a lot of things. She was talking to me about bills and the mortgage and how she's really busy and stressed along with my dad about all these things...and it really hit my heart you know...it just emphasized all the things they do, all the effort they put in, all the time they spend and sacrifice...isn't for themselves...isn't so they can live a luxurious life...but it's for me...it's always been for me and my brother. My mom and dad know about me not doing so well in school and wanting to switch programs and as well staying an extra year to graduate then go to teacher's college or something...and with my brother not having complete university...it puts a lot of weight on my shoulders...and I myself put a lot more weight on my shoulders...not to be better than my brother...but to make my parents proud...to graduate...hand them that certificate...get a stable job and be able to help them out with bills and everything. They do all these things to make my life easier...and my biggest wish and hope is that they are able to see me grow up...graduate...get a job...get married...start a family...and take care of them...I would be so happy to be able to have my parents see me go through all that...today was just a really nice day with my mom to just bring me back down to earth and remind me how blessed I am.

Guest Writer #4: Anonymous Queen B

Guest Writer #1: SpeakingMyMind
Guest Writer #2: Letters To You
Guest Writer #3: TC

To be 100% honest I don't think you can ever get over someone. Once you share a connection, one sided or not, you just can't leave. I think sure, the amount that you like them surely decreases but there is a part of you that will always have them in your heart. I think I still have feelings for my first crush up till now. No matter what, I know that I will always support him and encourage him if he ever needs it. That goes for any of the boys that I've ever liked. No I can't call it love but I definitely know that there's still something left in my heart for them. I think that's what is most difficult about looking for the person to spend the rest of your life with. A part of your heart still cares for that someone else that at one point in time you thought you could be with forever. What does it really mean to "get over" someone? And how do you really do that? Simply moving onto someone else really doesn't do the trick. Is it right to keep these feelings in your heart even after all this time? And if it's wrong, how do you get rid of them? I simply cannot understand. I'm not going to lie, I still get nervous when my fourth grade crush talks to me. I confessed my long overdue feelings to him in his yearbook in senior year...Haha I must be crazy. But I think that just because I harbour feelings of the recollection of times spent together, doesn't mean I still like them. Ah, I think I just answered my own question haha.

LOL of the Moment

Mac Miller - Missed Calls

Heart To Heart To Heart

As of late, I've had a chance to have some really nice conversations with a few close homies. One instance came last week when me and the homie I've known since elementary school had a chance to catch up cuz we hadn't seen each other in a while...it was nice, to talk about school, our lives...how we're on the verge of graduating and our friends are like taking graduation pictures or things like that. Talking about life after university...working, settling down, getting married...and just reminiscing, to when we first met...to elementary school...to high school...to now...and it's been crazy, it was just nice to know that after all these years we're still close. Another instance came yesterday when me and my friend from church sat down at mcdonalds and just talked about everything from school to fellowship to problems to the future...it was nice because if you rewind to like 4-6 months ago...him and I were never that close...nor would I have imagined we would have become that close...but it's been nice...yesterday was really nice because we were really open and honest with each other and that's what a good relationship is built on, so thank you for that. The last one...is from this homie who I've been seeing a lot of lately...this homie...takes me back lol, we first met...and hated each other...and now, we're pretty close friends I'd say. I went to his house a week ago to chill and talk and stuff...it's always nice just walking down memory lane with him. Then he came over a few days ago to game...we gamed from 11 pm to 1 in the morning and then we ended up chilling and looking through people's facebook profiles till 4 am LOL....from looking at cute girls, to looking at people we used to know or go to high school with and things of the sort...LOL, man that was really fun. Then yesterday, him and I went to visit our old elementary school teacher who moved schools and we ended up walking in on his volleyball practice and ended up playing with the team LOOOOL...that def took both of us back to elementary school because he was our volleyball coach back then and def left a significant impact on the both of us...so just going back...tho it wasn't our school...to our teacher...someone we look up to...someone who became more than a teacher, but a friend...it was really comforting for me.