Can't Please Everybody

So I've always been a people pleaser, for as long as I can remember. I've always liked making people happy and I've always wanted to be liked. I guess it kinda goes hand in hand with my chill, down to earth personality (I'd like to think) and the fact that I'm pretty easy to talk to from what people tell me. But with this blog and even in any kind of capacity where you're putting your own content out there...from music, to youtube videos, vlogs, podcasts, whatever it may be...when you put your own shit out there, you leave yourself open for criticism and hate. I think yeah it's easy to tell yourself to focus on the positives and the love and recognition that you receive...but for me at least it's like if 100 people were to tell me my blog was dope and that the content I put out is really deep, but then like 5 people were like nah, this shit is whack, it's hella over the top and extra or straight up I just don't like it. That would really eat at me LOL, cuz that's just who I am. But at the end of the day and when I sit down and really think about it...all that stuff is out of my control. A lot of you guys that read this, that come back consistently without me even asking y'all to...you find some sort of enjoyment reading these posts. But for the few of y'all that may stumble onto here every once in a while...you might read these posts and think got damn this guy is hella whack...and yeah it kinda bothers me for a bit, but after that passes I'n just like man, it is what it is and I can't change what y'all think or how y'all feel. Even some of my closest friends (like I've mentioned many times) don't eff with the blog or read every post the way some of y'all (who I'll never really know) do, and that's okay. When I think about this blog tho...especially as it and I have grown over the years...all I've ever really known is just to be honest out here. Sometimes to a fault...sometimes I'll read posts and be like damn you sound corny, or cocky, or lame, or emotional, or straight up whack...but all I've ever really known in regards to this blog is to just write what comes to heart and mind and put it all out there as if no one's reading it. I've told y'all countless times when I come here, it's like I'm writing in my diary and I really try to block out all the noise and write as if no one else is gonna read this, it helps keep me honest. Trust me, all those times I go ghost and don't blog for a while...I'll like sit there and be like damn alright I gotta think of a cool or dope story to catch people's attention, maybe something about girls or whatever...but at the end of the day, I have to remind myself to just write...to just share whatever is on my heart and on my mind....THAT''S what people relate to and vibe with...that's what made the blog what it is today. Yeah it's obviously gonna rub some people the wrong way sometimes...but that's life...when your favourite youtuber puts out of video or when your favourite artist puts out a song...you might think damn this is fire but other people might think got damn this is whack. And that's kinda where I'm at and what I try to remind myself of...because part of me wants to badly for everyone to really dig this blog...cuz it's me, you know and it's like if you don't like the blog it's kinda like you don't like me...but again, just gotta remind myself that that's life...not everyone is gonna like you and that's okay...that's out of your control. Something I thought about is that this blog...for y'all who know me, who see me or talk to me on a consistent basis...you know this blog is only a glimpse into my life and who I am as a person...yeah it's a pretty long and transparent glimpse, but it only represents a part of who I am as a person and I had to remind myself that people are entitled to feel however they want when they read this blog, that's not up to me and since it's out of my control, it shouldn't bother me. I just gotta keep moving forward, keep writing from the heart and just keep doing me. So till next time, peace.

One Of Those Nights...

So here's a post I wrote like 2 weeks ago with every intention of posting but I kinda held off on it for a variety of reasons, then as time passed I was like whatever I'll just keep it in the safe and not post it lol then the more I thought about it I was like whatever, a post is a post...as random or vague as it may be lol. For context, this was like 3 am and I was in bed trying to get all my thoughts out without forgetting or leaving anything out lol...here you go.

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Alright so a few days ago I was dealing with 2 very differing situations that required 2 very differing responses and also evoked many differing emotions. Today’s word of the day is clearly differing LOL. So for the most part I was also very tipsy, not drunk, still very coherent just very emotional. So on one hand, I was texting this girl and we were just going back and forth about what we want from each other and what we're looking for (defining the relationship essentially) and since I was tipsy, I was hella emotional and that also made me super honest and unfiltered lol. Your boy was literally saying anything and everything that came to heart and mind. On the flip side, I was dealing with a conflict that I wasn’t really directly involved in but somehow got dragged into/intentionally inserted myself into LOL. Am I being hella vague right now cuz I feel like I am LOL, but I’m also not tryna expose ppl or put stuff out there. That and it’s also like 3 am right now and my brain is fried. Anyways, one thing that I’ll say is alcohol really gives you that little boost of confidence/boldness to say whatever is on your mind and be a little more aggressive or take a little more initiative. Liquid courage I guess eh, I’ve come to realize I get really loud when I’m tipsy/drunk lol. I’m not a very confrontational or antagonizing person but man when the alcohol hit, it all comes out like diarrhea LOL. But anyways so that was my night...juggling talking to a girl and getting hella in my feels...and dealing with a conflict that was instigated by some waste dude, which I then fanned the flames cuz all I saw was red at that point, your boy was mad and I don’t get mad mad too often. Which made me think of the age old question I always ask myself...what would I do if my friends didn’t like my girlfriend. Obviously it’s situational...but what if my girlfriend was rude to my friends for no reason, out of the blue...isn’t that a red flag? If I’ve been dating the girl for years and years and maybe she has disagreements or arguments with my friends then that’s a different story, but if I just met this girl for example...and she pops off, goes off on my friends, embarrassing herself and me in the process, isn’t that a red flag? Like what would I do...obviously it’s situational and there’s plenty of options...so let’s talk about it. If I really like the girl, I stick with her and maybe just don’t bring her around my friends since they don’t like her. Or maybe I tell her to kick rocks because if my friends don’t like her, there has to be a reason for it right? Or maybe I try to make peace and hope that both sides have a koumbaya moment and become best friends. What would you do? It’s something I’ve always thought about to myself and it’s so funny that that’s the conflict I find myself staring at me right in the face right now. But again, a lot of factors come into play...how much do you like the girl, how much do you value the friendship, is one more important than the other, what do you wanna get out of this? Again I have my own personal thoughts and views on my this stuff, but I’m tired right now and I feel like I’ve said enough without saying too much...it’s like 3:30 am, peace!

EDIT: Okay so I reread the post and that last part isn't about me LOOOOL...the conflict revolved around that issue and I was just flipping the roles to kinda put things into perspective for y'all and for myself as well, like what would I do if my friends didn't like my girlfriend? Or in my case for example...if I don't like someone's boyfriend, just thought I'd clarify.

Don't Overthink It

So at work, there's this lady who I literally look at as like my mom...and if you want more context about our relationship, feel free to read this post right here lol. I used to hate this lady and now she's one of my favourite people at work. So every time I see her, she always hits me with some wisdom or knowledge, that and she's always like “I love you man” LOL. So she was telling me how she was like hella stressed from work and from people at work and it's like getting to a point where she just doesn't care anymore. She was telling me how her daughter would go off on her and be like you're too comfortable where you're at, how deep down you wanna pursue something else but you're scared to leave this comfortable and safe space. She was telling me how there's allways so much pressure and stress from work and how she really tries her best and works hard (she really does). You know what I told her...and this is legit my go to line for things like this...I told her “relax”. I was like breathe, slow it all down and relax. I went on to say like it's not worth stressing over. Yeah work is hard, and I'm not saying be a slacker or a lazy worker...but it's like yo why're you busting your back and going out of your way for people who don't care about you at all and would drop you in an instant. I just wanted to put things into perspective for her...the fact that we're replaceable and just a body to fill a role or do a task. I was like don't overthink it, don't stress yourself out over things you know shouldn't and don't really matter at the end of the day. Like imagine yourself in university...I dunno about y'all but for me my program was so big that profs were like don't even put your name on your stuff, just put your student number because that's how we identify you as. Similarly, in any kind of big corporation or working environment, when there's so many people...you\re really just a body to do the stuff they need done, anybody can be hired and trained to do what you're doing. That's the gist of what I told her cuz I could tell it was really bothering her and she seemed much more relaxed after I said what I said lol. She kept walking past me the rest of the day saying “I love you man”...LOOOL.

So fast forward a couple of days and to another conversation I had with her. This one's more recent, I wanna say like a few days ago...and it was super relevant to the previous post (and no she doesn't read the blog, like 90% sure lol). So I don't wanna go into detail about what triggered this conversation cuz it was pretty random and she always just hits me with random heart to hearts at random times anyways lol. So she comes to me and she's like hey, I just wanna let you know to be careful when you're dating or looking for a girl. And I was kinda blindsided cuz I'm like where is this coming from LOL but I'll entertain it lol so I was like huh” She literally said...women pretend, they're good at acting different in front of different or certain people LOOOOL, dude I was dying. She went on, she was like make sure you find someone sincere, real and authentic, find someone for their heart but it takes a while to get to know someone's heart. Then she walked away on some Mr. Miyagi type ting LOOOL. I was so like taken back and also her words hit me hella hard that it didn't even occur to me to ask her like yo where did that even come from LOOL. Little moments like that and people like her help me get through long work days and remind me why it's worth staying at this job lol.

Kinda bringing it all back together tho...when I had time to sit down and plan this blog post...I was like man when you're faced with stressful situations, sometimes you gotta take a step back like James Harden and look at it from a big picture perspective. Is this something that's really worth stressing out over? Whether this girl or guy replies, if that shirt really does make that customer look fat, how many likes you get on instagram, you get the idea. When you step back (like James Harden), you see things for what they really are and it helps you approach it more clearly and objectively. Only you can really discern for yourself what is important to you, where your priorities are at and what is worth stressing out over. Cuz you're stressing out over something it's most likely cuz you care, right? If not, then you should ask yourself why is this bothering me? Till next time...PEACE

Getting Over You

You know that meme where it says like oh you ever break up with someone you were never really dating in the first place, but say like you were talking to or seeing each other for a while and like invested a lot of time and overall energy into each other. Yeah that's kinda been the story of my life lately lol. I wanna say like late last year to the beginning of this year I was talking/seeing this one girl and it just didn't work out for a variety of reasons, but if it had to be one it was probably the fact that I wasn't right for her or what she was looking for so she cut it off. Fast forward a few months later and I started talking to another girl pre quarantine and same deal, you talk for a while, you get to know one another and a few months pass and you're like invested into each others lives. This one didn't really work out either, and it was something I had to literally have my friends force me to cut off because it just wasn't healthy for me. It's funny cuz she was like "I don't wanna be another post in your blog", yet somehow here we are LOL, who knows if she'll even read this. But anyways, in both of these instances, it hurt and it was tough to get through. I've had a few conversations with a friend going through like a legit breakup with his girlfriend and as cliche as it sounds, time heals all. As time passes, you start to think about them less, less urges to message them or check their socials and soon enough...you realize you don't really think about them at all anymore...or you'll think about them and not feel anything. Sometimes it happens overnight, most often times it's a slow burn. I think that initial period of like 'post break up' is always the worst cuz it's still fresh, you're trying to process it and all you're really doing is thinking about it lol. Everyone copes with getting over someone differently and you have to find what works for you. For me...sometimes you just wanna be sad, you wanna listen to sad songs and just kinda sit there and sulk...and that's okay...but only for the first little bit. Eventually you have to pick yourself up and keep moving forward because life goes on and so should you. Then it moreso becomes 'distracting' yourself or just going about your normal day and keeping busy. Whether it's going to the gym, cleaning your room, writing, drawing, you name it. On the flip side there's putting yourself back out there, not even with the intentions to find someone else of like a 'replacement', but just to meet new people, have fun and remind yourself there are plenty of fish in the sea. Lemme tell you that I\m learning about myself each and everyday, when I'm faced and put in different situations and dealing with different friendship and relationship issues. No matter how old I get, there's always more to learn about myself and how I approach people and situations. With relationships for example, you learn about what qualities you enjoy and look for in a partner. You have things that are like non negotiables, things that your partner must have. You also learn about things that you dislike but can tolerate and you also learn about red flags, things that would disqualify someone as a potential partner. It's interesting because sometimes, affection and connection is so strong that you kinda convince yourself that maybe their red flags aren't that bad, and that can be dangerous moving forward and down the line in your relationship. If I've learned anything from failed relationships and potential partners, two important things I have to stress are one...don't neglect your own needs, mental health and overall happiness, two...trust your friends, they're seeing things more objectively and rationally than you are and can give you better insight on things. Getting over an ex or somebody you've been talking to for a while is never easy...but it always gets better and I'm happy to have friends that always remind me that just cuz you really want something to work out doesn't mean it's good for you or that it's supposed to work out...and that there's always something better out there, but you'll never find it if you're too busy being sad and hung up on what didn't work out. So keep your head up and keep moving forward.

Lost Ones 2

This is something I've been sitting on for a while cuz it was hard to write. It's one of those things that I have to be in the right mood to channel those emotions and be able to really write from the heart. But it's also something that I think about all the time, like friends that you were really close to or maybe were there for each other for a specific time in each others lives and that was it. It's something I always think about because it brings back good memories, but at the end of the day, that's exactly what they are...memories, and they're nice to look back on but you can't dwell on that and as sad as it is to think about...sometimes people are only in your life for specific periods of time and for specific seasons. It's always hard to discern, especially for myself when you get so close to someone and so invested into each others lives and you share so many personal and intimate moments together...but then things change, people grow apart and they become strangers. But in the words of Big Sean...”in the end all you really have is memories”. Every line is inspired by a different friend, a different time and period in my life where I shared something special with someone. If you didn't know that, now you know...the same can be said about part one which is linked below. 

Lost Ones
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Lost Ones 2

You wanted the world, but you sacrificed your friends
Your dreams came true but was it worth it in the end?

I never thought I'd see the day we'd drift this far apart
Now I see your face and feel an emptiness inside my heart

You were my day one homie, Shaq to my Kobe
Never danced with a girl so at your crib is where you showed me

This was the only time I ever lost a friend over money
Argued over pennies, now I'm feeling like a dummy

You were like Cady, super nice, real sweet girl
But then you changed, started chilling with some mean girls

You play the strong-silent type, but you opened up to me
“He really looks up to you”, your mom told me secretly

So many friendships never made it through the summer
They hit me now but I just see an unknown number

Time flies, things change and people grow apart
To the lost ones, you'll always have a place inside my heart

Finding Your Voice 2

Finding Your Voice (Part 1)

I'm always inspired by conversations as well as people around me. The blog posts have definitely been slacking as of late and I had a couple people tell me like yo man where the posts at, I look forward to them, I'm waiting haha. I'm telling you, I love hearing when people tell me that they read my posts, cuz for the most part I just see a number, I don't really know who reads my posts, so it's always nice to put names and faces to y'all. So I was thinking to myself about the blog and how writing on this blog throughout the years really helped me find my voice, grow into my skin and just embrace who I am as a person. Growing up, I've always been and still am to a certain extent a shy, quiet kid. I always had thoughts and stuff to say but if never given the opportunity, I'd just keep to myself. This blog...has become that place for me...cuz even sometimes to this day, I don't really feel like I have a voice in a circles of friends (but that comes and goes lol). When people tell me that a post really resonated with them or they really related to it, it really encourages me and goes a long way. I think to myself like yo if I can pay it forward and help even one person find their voice, then that's all the motivation and encouragement I need to keep going. I think about all the people in my life who've supported me and picked me up when I was down, y'all have just as much contributed to the growth of this blog as well. But one thing I've also learned from teaching and volunteering is that you might not always get to see the growth or the final product, you might just be the one to plant the seed. I think about my grade 7 teacher, someone I consider a mentor and a friend. Whenever I visit, he would always tell me how dope it was to see how much I've changed and grown. And as I got older, I started to let him know how much of an influence and a role model he was to me. He would always tell me how rewarding it was to know that even after all these years, I still think about him enough to come visit him. Now we're like friends...I've met his kids, been to his house for dinner, it sounds weird but it's jokes lol. I start thinking about this blog...and as nice as it is, it was never about the views (as nice as it is). It was just a shy, quiet kid wanting to be heard, trying to find his voice in a loud, scary world. As this blog has grown over the years, I've had numerous people tell me how dope or relatable some posts are. And that means thhe world to me...whether you get a laugh out of it or maybe find some sort of encouragement or advice from it...it's super rewarding to know in the back of my mind that through this platform, someone might feel the same and want to be heard and find their voie through whatever it may be...writing, music, drawing, sports, you name it. It's just something that's refreshing to think about and remind myself of when I lack motivation or drive to write and blog...that some of y'all look forward to this, some of y'all enjoy it and find it dope, relatable, funny, entertaining, whatever lol. So as much as this blog and the people that I write and am inspired by have helped me find my voice...if you feel like you're struggling to find yours, or just struggling to be heard, I hope you can read some of these posts and be inspired to find that same boldness and courage as well that I've found over time. See y'all soon, peace!