The Luxury Of Closure

I feel like I'm somebody who always likes to ask why and sometime that feeling of always wanting to ask why gets me into trouble or it makes me seem like I have a problem you know. A long time ago at church, I would always wear birks (sandals) to church and these adults would always be on my back about how I'm not looking my best or something like that and it would irk me to no ends and I would always be like well what's the problem, why can't I wear sandals to church in the summer. Another instant is like when they told us we couldn't play basketball at church anymore and I was likek well why and I remember them distinctly being like why can you just listen when we tell you something, why do you always have to ask why. Like I swear I don't have a problem with authority, but it's just this need to know like well why, tell me why this is happening or why this can't happpen, why did you say this, why did you do this you know. So when ti comes to girls, and specifically girls that don't end up working out, the natural question is why, and the need for closure for me at least is like super high. And I've always been like that, whether it's girls who I saw and dated once or maybe saw and went on multiple dates with, if or when it didn't work out, there's always that need to be like well why. When my best friend didn't like me back, it's like well why and that bothered me growing up for the longest time cuz I just never got that closure. But as J'm getting older I'm kinda adopting the mentality and learning and reading a lot that well sometimes you don't always get that closure and you won't always get to know why and that's perfectly fine, you just keep moving forward. I dunno I'm always just so curious when say something doesn't work out with a girl, well why...like was it chemistry issues, something I did, something I said, someone else. But see all these things are also why I try to tell myself getting invested in things like dating apps are probably the worst thing for me cuz it's literally surface level (for the most part) and hardly ever do you really get to find out why things don't work out cuz people go ghost or just let you know it's not working out. Someone told me one time that you kinda have to go in with the mentality that she's probably talking to and seeing other people, which makes sense cuz I'm definitely doing the same thing too. But yeah sorry don't wanna tangent too much. I feel like I'm just starting to see closure as like a luxury, something that you aren't necessary owed but something that would be nice to have. Like at the end of the day, if I don't like someone, I don't really owe them an explanation as to why it didn't work or maybe there was no reason. That's kinda how I'm seeing things lately, where if say a girl goes ghost, or maybe things are going well then she suddenly uts it off, yeah it would be nice to know why and I probably would still ask...but they don't owe you anything, from my perspective like yeah it would be super dope and the respectful thing to do but not everyone sees it that way and that's perfectly fine. You don't always get closure and that's okay, you also shouldn't let it keep you from moving on and moving forward from whatever it is. The more I think about it now, the more I feel strongly that closure really is a luxury, asking why and getting a proper response as to why something doesn't work out or isn't working is always nice, but certainly isn't owed. That's just just something I've kinda had in my mind for some time, but was definitely triggered and brought to light recently lol and by recently like right now LOL. See y'all soon, peace.

The Ugly Truth

What it do y’all, hope you’re doing well, staying safe and staying sane. So I was thinking to myself the other day and I was like man, certain qualities in a person are just so unattractive that it actually decreases their physical attraction as well. The flip side to that is some people have such great and endearing qualities that it makes them look more physically attractive. Now I know what you’re thinking, bro this is common sense…and it is, but lemme paint you this picture. So I have this girl on social media that I was seeing for a short period of time and she loves taking selfies, I’m talking like posting pictures on all platforms, constantly changing profile pictures on all her socials, which is cool and all you do you boo boo. But for a split second, I was like oh damn she lookin’ good, she hella cute still. Then I kinda came back down to earth, thought about why it didn’t work out and her red flags and the qualities in her I didn’t really like and was like oh yeah, she cute but like not that cute if you know what I mean. I’m sure y’all have experienced both sides of the spectrum where you see someone really good looking but then they have qualities you don’t really like and they become less good looking, or you see someone unattractive to you but then find out something dope about them and they become more attractive. There’s like some quote where it says physical beauty is temporary but inner beauty lasts forever, something corny like that. But it really is true thoyou don’t chill with your friends because they’re good looking but because they’re dope and fun to be around. Similarly for me, I wanna find someone who has a dope personality, but obviously she still has to be physically attractive to some capacity cuz that’s just how it works, physical attraction and sexual attraction is still a thing lol. But it’s like a see saw right, some people are gonna value one side more than the other, someone might value physical attraction slightly more than personality, or vice versa and it all depends on who you ask. For me it was just a really random but powerful reminder that a whack ass personalty or like some serious red flags can make someone look really ugly. That’s all I gotta say lol see y’all soon, peace!

An Update On Life

Hey friends, I hope you\re doing well. I hope you're taking care of yourselves physically and more importantly mentally because this is certainly a mentally draining time that we're living in. If anyone knows me, you'll know I'm a sucker fpr 'deep talks' as me and my friends used to call it, personal and intimate conversations, talking about life. I feel like as of late I've been keeping a lot more things to myself, not because I want to but more of a feeling like people won't understand or won't really care lol. Like let's take me casually dating for example, I feel like that's something my friends who are married/engaged or are in serious relationships won't really get or won't really care lol so I just keep it to myself. I will say like lately I've been going on a lot of walks, mostly by myself but a lot of the times with friends and I love those conversations. Well lemme also say I love walks by myself cuz I feel better, I get to listen to music and just think about stuff or think about nothing lol. But yeah I dunno, you ever get asked how you're doing but you know the person doesn't really care so you kinda just give a half assed answer. Yeah I dunno, I'm super thankful for this platform to be able toe xpress myself and just talk to so called “somebody” when I feel like nobody is listening or like is available. And I don't just mean physically available lol, I also understand not everyone likes talking about feelings and personal shit, which is cool...but I definitely do lol. Yo you know what else is the worst...vague shit, like when you ask someone what they've been doing or how they've been and they give you super general or vague answer. Now I know it's a little different from when like someone is asking you and they don't really care so you give them a general answer versus someone who actually wants to know what's good and you short change them. So something else I've been thinking for myself especially is the amount of energy, time and thought I put into people that don't like me or people that don't matter rather than putting it into bettering and improving my current friendships and relationships or mending the ones that aren't doing so well you know. I dunno lol I'm very moody in case y'all didn't know lol...two different peoplec an try to start a conversation with me and based on who they are or even how I'm feeling at the time when they ask me will elicit a different response lol, I might be super short and simple with one and engaging and upbeat with another lol. I will say like sometimes it feels like my friends and I are on different wavelengths, maybe same life stage but like different goals or objectives. I don't really know how to illustrate it, it's like we're all running the race of life but we all or some of us take different paths and you might not see them for periods at a time but it's like oh we'll meet back up later in life you know. So what do you do in that gap period, well you find people who do match your current wavelength and vibe, so for me it's like single, dating around, figuring out life, finishing school, figuring out a career, that kinda stuff. So naturally I kinda am drawn to people or find myself vibing better with people going through similar things cuz they just get it you know. Like I've been going on walks with one of my boys and he's somebody that kinda just gets it, we'll look at each other when something is funny and just know what we're laughing at you know what I'm saying. We always talk about school, girls, life...and I love talking about that stuff so it just kinda flows naturally. And I guess that's kinda where I've been lately, just kinda going with the flow and finding the right vibe that fits. Cuz sometimes you'll be talking to someone about something and it just feels off, or it doesn't feel right. Like sometimes I'll throw a situation I'm going through at someone and it's not that their advice or what they're saying is bad, but it's like they have such a different outlook on life maybe because they're younger, haven't experienced much, were raised different or have different morals, you name it. Ometimes I'll just be talking to someone and be like damn, that's an...interesting way of looking/handling it lol. Yeah I dunno, tbh I was gonna scrap this post hallfway cuz I didn't like how it sounded and just feels all over the place. I've been in a weird funk lately so yeah if this post feels weird, I'm sorry...I'll see y'all soon, peace.

Things I've Learned From Dating

So I originally wanted to title this 'Things I've Learned From Casually Dating' but I decided to stick with just 'dating' cuz it sounded better. But for context, these are just things I've learned and experienced through casually dating. I've also never been in a 'serious' relationship (which I might save for another post), but the word serious also depends on your perspective and how you define it. Lemme also go ahead and say that these are things that I've learned and experienced for myself, they're in no way things you have to follow or do for yourself lol, feel free to take away what you like but this is just based on own experiences, perspectives and observations. So I'm kinda in a phase of my life right now where I've just been casually dating, meeting new people, learning about life and learning about myself. Like I said I've never been in what I consider a serious relationship but I'm definitely open to it if it comes along but I'm not gonna force it which explains the whole casual dating, but yeah a short description of that for me would be like obviously both parties are committed and exclusive, you've been together for a certain/minimum amount of time, they've met my family...that's a big for one me, but ultimately it's really just a feeling. I think this is def something I'll save for a future post, it's definitely a feeling an varies from person to person. But back to the topic at hand, things I've learned from casually dating. I think it's extremely important to know what you want...whether that's a relationship, meeting new people, something casual or just chilling...make it known so you're not wasting each others time. Another extremely important thing is to communicate with one another...is this potentially serious or casual, are we seeing other people, do we wanna go on a second date or not? It goes back tot he first point about not wasting each others time. BUT I also understand like oh if things just don't work out, you had a bad time, I understand if you're like well I don't owe it to the person to explain myself...yes I do get that, but I think it's also nice to not be left in the dark. Like I've been on both sides where I've been ghosted and I've ghosted people, I think it's the mature and respectful thing to do to let people know it didn't work out, doesn't have to be super elaborate and descriptive, but it's like a courteous thing to do, but I get it's not for everybody The next thing is to also have fun with it, be yourself, it's all a learning experience at the end of the day. It's one of those things where the more dates I went on, the more comfortable and confident I became, I had like a routine but also stayed flexible to the person and the situation. It's like a job interview, it's nerve wracking at first but the more interviews you go on, the more comfortable and used to it you get. That applies to dating or even just meeting new people, you learn to communicate more effectively. Next, when you know what you want, don't compromise that. I'm not saying be stubborn and stingy like yoooo she has to like basketball or she haaas to like mac and cheese or something. By all means if that's your thing more power to you lol, like be open but if there are spectic things that you want, don't compromise that because you'll end up unhappy or vent trying to change that person. Something very specific is like I would never purposely date a girl who's a smoker, but I ended up dating this one girl then finding out later she smokes cigarettes and I really tried to like ignore it or suck it up but it really bothered me lol. Something different would be like there was a point with this girl where I knew I wanted something more serious but she wanted something more casual, I didn't communicate that and instead tried to compromise and make it work and it stressed me out and made me unhappy and I ended up ending things with her. Another example but like the flip side is there was this girl that wanted something serious but I wasn't but I kept it going trying to compromise and she wasn't happy and ended things with me. So I know I said not to compromise, but it really depends what you're looking for tbh. I will say to be open to newness, new people, new cultures, new foods...this girl was a foodie and suggested this Egyptian restaurant to which I was not feeling lol, I ended up going with her and the food was fireeeeeee, so yeah be open lol. The next thing and this is something I feel really strongly about which you may not...be chivalrous, be a gentleman, do those corny things in the movies LOL. I'm def a firm believer in paying for the first date, it's really nbd unless she tryna go to like Red Lobster on the first date and someone once told me if you can't afford to pay for the first date, you probably shoudn't have asked her out or something like that lol. But hey it’s 2021 and like I said you might feel the exact opposite. I will say that like probably 70% of the dates I’ve been on, I’ve paid on the first date. A lot of times girls will like try to hand me cash and I’m like chill it’s cool, which is nice to see rather than the *fake reach into bag* LOOOOL. There was one time where the bill came and I picked it up to look at it and the girl like tossed her carb on the table like a frisbee and said I got it LOOOOL, so I said alright bet. Most other times girls will offer to split which I’m cool with as well depending on the situation, this one girl was suuuuper adamant that everything was split down the line, we had ordered a bunch of small foods to share so that was understandable, but then we went to bubble tea and she asked to split that too lol. You’d think that would mean she wasn’t bout it but we actually went on a bunch more dates after that LOL. But yeah back to the whole chivalry thing, usually I’ll also offer to drive/pick them up and most girls are chill and down, some are more cautious like yo I don’t wanna give you my address which is perfectly understandable lol. So when I do pick a girl up, I’ll like be waiting outside my car or on her driveway to greet her and like open the car door for her. Again, to each his own but please don’t be one of those dudes who honks their horn for the girl to come out LOL. One time it was raining and I walked to this girls door with an umbrella and walked her to my car then opened the door for her and she was so shook, she’s like yo no ones ever opened a car door for me before LOL. I’m also someone who like waits for you to go inside before I drive away, just in case you know, but I do that for all my friends too, it’s something I’ve always seen my parents do so it just came naturally. The last important thing I wanna reinforce is communicate, Commuicate, COMMUNICATE. Maybe because this is something I’ve learned and really value and want in a relationship or any kind of friendship. If things aren’t going well, even if they’re going good, if you didn’t like something they said or did, if you’re feeling a way, let the person know. People aren’t mindreaders and we can’t and shouldn’t assume people will know what we’re thinking or feeling. Again I get it’s not for everybody and I’ve been in that position many times where things didn’t go well or work out and I was left in the dark with no explanation or anything lol. I’ve ghosted many girls as well just cuz I wasn’t sure or didn’t know how it maybe was even scared to be straight up and say I wasn’t feeling them or whatever, it always felt easier to just go ghost until they left me alone. But yeah all of my experiences have really taught me the importance of communication. And I think that goes for a casual or serious relationship, communicate with your partner. Tell them how you feel, what you want, what you’re looking for, all that jazz. It makes things so much easier when people talk things out rather than keeping it in or expecting the person to just know. But yeah those are a bunch of things I’ve learned through dating and I’m super appreciative of the good and bad moments because it all adds to like my lived and learned experiences and also helps with future encounters as well. So yeah, till next time, PEACE.

Sound Familiar But Hit Different

I was talking to a friend a while ago and I was like yo man I’m really proud of you, I’m really happy to see how hard you’ve been and are working and it really inspires me to want to get to your level and to the levels of our other friends. Like I love seeing y’all grind and level up in life but also like I can’t help but sometimes feel like I’m a step behind y’all and I’m playing catch up…to which he told me he’s like hey man, slow and steady wins the race and also everybody moves at their own pace, everybody is grinding in their own way and making moves and moving forward in life, but at their own pace. And I mean like this is something I obvs know, it’s cliché, heck it’s something I tell people all the time…everyone moves at their own pace, find your own timing. But it’s one of those things that you know but when you hear it from someone else, it just hits different you know. It’s like when I tell people stuff or give advice, like I don’t say anything magical or crazy, it’s things people have heard and probably thought about but sometimes when you hear it from someone else it just sticks better or sometimes even like the actual person who is saying it to you, sometimes other people’s words/voices or even maybe certain people’s words/voices hold more weight and more value…whether it’s that they’re someone important to you, you value their opinion or maybe they just know what they’re saying. When I told my boy that I felt a step behind him and our other friends, he’s like man look at you…you’re grinding, you’re working, you’re in school, you just got a car…you’re making moves dude. I don’t even wanna say it’s like downplaying my own achievements, but more they just don;’t seem as big as my other friends sometimes you know. It’s like oh yeah I got an A in class but my friend is over here buying a house or getting married or something LOL there’s different levels to it. But again, back to more cliché words of wisdom….you can’t and shouldn’t be comparing yourself to others because everyone moves at their own pace and everyone has their own timing. All you can do is work on yourself, focus on what’s in front of you and stay in your own lane and yours will come. That’s just something I needed to remind myself of, crazy how something I’m always preaxhing to others and reminding other people of gets thrown at me and I’m just like blown away lol, but yeah I’m thankful to have friends to keep me in check and like put everything back into perspective when I start swerving left and right. So till next time, peace out friends.

The Real Me

So I used to know this guy he would be like “Rodmond, I feel like every time I see you you have a new haircut or new hairstyle” LOOOL. It got me thinking like, yeah…that’s pretty true to a certain extent lol, my ‘look’ has changed so much over the years. From Justin Bieber bangs when I was really young, to spikey hair in elementary school, to buzz cut Roddy in high school. After that I learned what a fade and a proper haircut was lol, I started going to actual barbers and barbershops and experimented with like the typical combover, slick back, pompadour (the David Beckham slickback look) to even a top knot where I had a bald fade on the sides and super long on top and was able to tie a little man bun, but it’sa ctually called a top know. Then back to buzz Roddy and decided to grow my hair out again and now I have hella long hair and an actual ‘man bun’. I also dyed my hair blonde and like that definitely threw a lot of people off lol. What I’m trying to say is my look as changed a lot over the years lol. I remember when I got glasses in university, my friend was like you look more studious, like more intelligent lol. Obviously when I started getting tattoos, it gave me an ‘edgy’ look LOL, but it wasn’t super visible since it was like on my upper arms so unless I wore a tank top or rolled up my sleeve you wouldn’t really be able to see it. But now I have like 60% of one arm fully covered and that certainly adds to how people choose to perceive me. I’m gonna go ahead and say this now that this post is probably gonna be all over the place cuz I wrote a bunch of stuff down on my phone and it’s all jumbled and in random order in terms of time. I’ve def told y’all the story of when I went to this church retreat and ended up rooming with this random dude and he was like yo when I first met you I knew you had a warm personality LOOOL, first time I’ve ever heard that in my life. Most of the time, people’s first impressions of me is pretty cold and hard to approach and of course my strong rbf doesn’t help my case either and I guess maybe the tattoos can be intimidating so I hear. I remember dating this Christian girl and she’s like you know, you’re nothing like what I expected, you’re super nice and easy to talk to. And I was like lemme guess, the long blonde hair and the tattoos threw you off didn’t it LOOOL, and she’s like tbh yeah it did like I didn’t think it would work or that I would like you lol. Something I get a lot as well before people meet me is like oh I thought you didn’t talk or didn’t like me cuz you have such a stern and serious look all the time LOL. But I’d like to think that when people first meet me and have a conversation with me, within the first 5-10 minutes they usually say I’m pretty easy going and chill. I had a coworker tell me he could see me as a bouncer at a club LOOOL, I told my boys this too and I’m like yo I’m pretty short and untimidating what’re you talking about…but they’re like nah you have a really stern look and if you were serious I probs wouldn’t mess with you LOL. Ironically enough this oen kid actually asked me to be a security guard at his house party one time and I was like nah I’m not tryna get stabbed or get into a fight, I’m good. Here’s a funny thing I’ve been thinking about lately…I feel like when people haven’t met me and find out I have a blog, when they do end up meeting me I always get the feeling they expect me to be like this hella wise, Confucius kinda dude like yo gimme advice LOL. Whereas when people have met me and then they find out I have a blog, it’s like a pleasant surprise like oh I never would’ve pictured you to be so like expressive or emotional and stuff. In a weird way, I kinda don’t mind that I’m a little difficult to approach/get to know…it’s not like I intentionally do it but the fact that it is like that, it means that when people do try to get to know me they’re putting in effort and I appreciate that in a sense. It kinda weeds out the whack people who are like oh this guy doesn’t talk or oh this guy looks waste, I’m not gonna bother trying to get to know him. Just this idea of perception and how perception changes is so interesting to me….hearing people’s first impressions of me and then what they think of me now after they’ve had numerous conversations and interactions with me. Or even myself, having preconceived notions and perceptions of people but then when you actually interact with them it’s much different than you expected. I was also talking to a friend about this the other day, when you go into a new setting whether work or school or whatever, you obviously scout the surroundings and the people that are there and in your mind you’re already categorizing people into who you think you’re get along with and who you don’t think you’ll mesh with just based on your first impressions of them. But then obviously when time passes and you get the opportunity to interact with people, it all changes. I’m always reminded to never judge a book by it’s cover and even though first impressions are important to a certain degree, they’re not the end all be all and I def try to give people second changes and first impressions. Otherwise if I was hella cold and hard to approach and people saw that as their first impression and went with that, I’d probably have like 3 friends LOL. Anyways, I hope this post wasn’t too random, it def felt all over the place as I was writing it but hope y’all enjoyed. Till next time, DEUCES.

Covid Appreciation Post

So I was thinking to myself and I was like yeah obvs covid sucks and it's like super easy to complain about all these things like life being so different, stuck at home, everything's closed, can't see people...all that jazz. It got me thinking like yeah it sucks, but in any bad situation sometimes you just gotta make the most of what's in front of you. So I started thinking to myself...well during these times, what has covid made me appreciative and thankful for? For one, online classes...yeah it sucks you're staring at a screen for hours everyday but yo I don't gotta commute to school which would mean me getting up a solid half an hour to an hour earlier. I can just chill pajamas and eat breakfast while I'm in class since I don't have to turn on my camera, also during the winter that commute or walk is absolutely terrible...we legit skipped all of that. Online learning is actually hella convenient too cuz everything you need is right in front of you, exam are all online and mostly open book since they can't really do anything else. I thought about all the walks and conversations and bubble tea I've been able to have with my friends, coworkers and such. From just walking around the neighbourhoods to parks to forrests to hiking trails...it's been really nice. I've never facetimed or zoom'd or used google meets so much if ever in my life LOL. Like I've never been a facetime guy, I don't think I've ever facetimed my boys cuz it's weird and anything you can say on facetime you can just say on the phone or over text. But with covid, especially when lockdown first hit...lots of facetimes with friends to catch up, remember what they look like...and it was really fun, my friends and I played like facetime poker, remember among us? That was a thing LOL, and just like random conversation with the boys whether updating each other on life or like yo something dope happened, facetime later? Covid birthdays were a thing...whether sending friends food or drinks on ubereats or surprising friends at their doorstep 6 feet away with cake and goodies lol. Online board games or any kind of game that can be played virtually was big because there was literally nothing to do and you legit couldn't see anybody, it made it feel like you were still hanging out with your friends. Yo one thine my boys and I did was like have listening parties LOL..I remember when Drake dropped his Dark Lane Demo Tapes, we got on facetime and one person played the album and we just vibed to it LOL. Random would you rather conversations till like 2 am, watching each other eat at like midnight while others are sleeping, it was cool to see how creative we could get to still like chill with each other withing chilling with each other. What else man...oh yeah definitely saved a lot of money by staying at home, no paying for commute or gas, not spending (as much) oney on food, def bought some clothes and shoes here and there but for the most part saving money was a big one. The one thing that I wanna leave y'all with cuz it's been something I've been thinking a lot about is like whenever I've seen my friends or we make plans it's always like well what do you wanna do? To which the convo goes to like well there isn't much to do but go on a walk, talk in car, grab takeout or grab drinks or something and it's always said in like a very dejected kinda way like oh man there's nothing to do I wish stuff was open. But you know what...all this has really reminded me and covid has really reminded me that it really is all about the company and who you're with rather than what you're actually doing. It's something that I've always said to myself and others...that I don't care about what we do cuz when I'm with dope people, it'll be a good time regardless. But covid really put that to the test with everything being closed the question is always like so what do you wanna do? But yeah, covid has just relaly made me appreciative of the people around me..that I can go on a walk for hours with some people and just talk whether it's a trail or even just walking arounf the same neighbourhood until we get tired. Or like I can just sit in a car, eat food, listen to music and hang out with some people for hours. It's a great reminder that for me it's always been about who I'm with rather than what I'm doing...so yeah as much as I do miss doing stuff like movies and basketball and ping pong and stuff...I'm really thankful to be able to spend true quality time with friends just hanging out and chillin'. So with ALL that, hope you're doing well..go tell someone you appreciate them, I'll see you soon, peace.