The One That Got Away

To be very honest, I’m not really sure how to start this post. It’s one of those posts I’ve really wanted to write but also dreaded writing at the same time. I had a thought like well maybe I’ll write this in like 5-10 years when the idea of being strangers has really sunken in lol. It’s also one of those things like I’ve mentioned before, the more you talk about or write about it, the easier it is to express. I guess what pushed me to want to write this post is just thinking back on how forgettable 2020 was as a whole and how everyone is looking forward to 2021 being even the slightest bit better. I guess this is just something I kinda wanna leave behind in 2020 along with everything else, it’s something that I’ve kinda held on to and been unwilling to let go of for such a long time. If you know you know, if you don’t…well I’ve written way too many posts about this person to count lol. I told y’all how I was listening to Sam Smith’s new album and it really inspired a bunch of posts, this one in particular. He has this one song on the album called ‘Another One’, it’s just the idea that the person that you thought was the one found someone else, another one. And this is probably one of those way too honest posts, but I mean if you know me, you definitely know this particular chapter of my life lol. There’s only been one, maybe two girls in my life who I can truly say I had a significant amount of attraction towards…fancy wording I know…I don’t wanna say the “L” word cuz I’m not even sure if it was that tbh. But I will say for this one girl at least, for the longest time growing up and when we stopped talking and grew apart…I always saw her as the one and also the one that got away. Now maybe you’ve felt this before about a guy/girl or maybe you haven’t…it’s a feeling that constantly leaves you wondering “well what if?” So back to the Sam Smith song, the lyrics just hit me really hard…he goes “oh congratulations you found the one, think I can finally face that I’m not the one, never was the one.” It’s just kinda funny cuz she recently got engaged and of course the people that knew me had to hit me up and were like yooooo you see it, you good???? LOL smh, but tbh I felt really happy for her and a weird sense of relief for myself, like weird closure in a way. I don’t really know how to explain it, it’s just like ‘permission’ or ‘reassurance’ to finally close that chapter of my life, permanently. One of my boys was like bro, she wasn’t the one trust me…maybe it would’ve worked out for a short period of time, but down the line y’all just wouldn’t have meshed. My other boy was like maybe in that moment in time where y’all were really, really close friends, the stars aligned and y’all were just there for each other in that particular moment in each other’s lives…but now, both of y’all are much older, much different and things you want and things you’re looking for are different, you’re 2 different people who shared a really dope period of time in each other’s lives, but that’s it. He went on to tell me like you can never replicate that with her no matter how hard you try because y’all are just 2 different people in different life stages with different wants, needs and goals. Going back to the Sam Smith song, he says “honestly I’m happy for you, I do not wish you no harm”, and I’m truly happy that she’s found someone and something amazing. But going back to the song, “you found the one, another one.”

For the longest time, I thought you were the one that got away, and it always bothered me that I never got the closure that I wanted and I was always haunted by all these “what ifs”. I dunno if this feeling I’m feeling is closure and relief, but I also accept the fact that sometimes you don’t always get closure and that’s a normal part of life as well. It’s weird, I’ve had dreams of like sitting you down and telling you how I feel even tho we’ve had these talks a million times, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really move the needle regardless. It’s crazy to think we haven’t really spoken like that in 2 years. If you ever end up reading this, that’s cool. It’s funny cuz back in the day when I used to write about you, I knew you would always end up reading it somehow, but for some reason this time feels different, good different. But of course, it’s not like anything I’m writing or saying is out of maliciousness or like anger, definitely not, more so acceptance and understanding. But like I said in the beginning, my whole reasoning for wanting to write this post and especially saving this post as the last one of the year…is just cuz man, it’s finally time to close this chapter of my life, like really close it. Cuz there’s times where I’m sure y’all can agree or relate where you’ll say you’re over something but somehow end up going back to it later in time. We haven’t spoken or seen each other (other than that brief instance) in what feels like forever, respectful birthday messages to each other stop, all communication pretty much cuts, you got your own thing going on and I’m really trying to work on myself and move on and move forward with my life…and I can’t do that without acknowledging what a big part of my life and my growth you were, but also that that chapter and period of my life is over and it’s time to move on. Got damn I feel like I sound hella corny right now…I apologize lol I was never good at being brief and concise. Thank you for everything and to quote Big Sean “in the end all you really have is memories, I hope that you remember me”…see y’all next year, peace.

Good Vibes Only

Remember at the beginning of the month I told y'all since I wouldn't be posting every single day like I usually do that I would try to set a smaller, more manageable goal lol. Welp, we're on pace to hit 10 psots this month which when you look at the other months, is actually a lot LOL. Anyways, 2020's almost over...can you believe it? What feels like the shortest and longest year at the same time is almost coming to an end, what a way to start off the new decade am I right? 2020 for most, if not all people has largely been pretty forgettable. I know for me nothing really stands out, tbh I can't even remember anything eventful that happened in 2020. For some, 2020 has been super draining and mentally exhausting, it's been a year where mental health and self-care were really emphasized and brought to light. Whether you're working, in school, with family, with S/O's or friends, you've probably felt that mental fatigue in some sort of capacity this year. Which kinda brings me to the picture of the tweet above...I think this year, along with self-care, I've learned it's okay to be selfish with the people you surround yourself with...cuz time is limited and getting older I don't like the feeling of knowingly wasting time. With quarantine, it's felt like we've had an abundance of time to ourselves...whether it's picking up new hobbies, going on walks, exercising, or maybe a little bit of everything. Something I tried to do was reach out to people during quarantine and just go for walks, I mean there's not much else to do lol, bubble tea and walks is the move. But yeah, old friends, coworkers, homies...I've been going on a lot of walks, hanging out and catching up. As of late, I've just been really careful and cautious with the people and the energy I surround myself with. To put it simply, good vibes only lol. I've been super fortunate enough to meet some people where everything just clicks, it feels like you've known each other for years and you just get each other. You know those friends where you just look at each other and immediately get the joke, or you see them laughing and you know exactly what they're laughing about LOL. I love those friends cuz it just feels so natural and like I said, everything just kinda clicks. I've never been a fan of small talk which is why meeting new people or even dating apps can be super annoying sometimes. But when you meet the right people...and especially me being an introvert too, when you meet the right people who just naturally get you to come out of your shell it's such a dope feeling but it's also something you don't really realize until you sit and think about it. But back to the tweet...2020 has just been so draining and exhausting in so many ways that there really isn't time for people who don't add anything positive to your life...and I don't mean that offensively like if you don't bring anything to the table get away from me lol. It's more like I just don't wanna surround myself with negativity, especially in a year where so much negativity surrounds us as it is. There's that and then there's also just being careful in who you pour yourself out to, and that's not to say that you pour out to other people and give with the sole expectation to receive something back...but at the same time it is something to take note of. Like if you're always pouring out and nobody is filling your cup, you're gonna be drained, so just kinda keeping a mental note of like oh okay I'm always pouring into this person's cup and they're never really doing the same. Again, I don't want it to sound like completely selfish, but it also is a bit of a selfish mindset...I dunno, time and energy are commodities, and 2020 has not been kind to us, so in a way...for me at least, I'm okay with people a little selfish and being selective in who's cups I pour into. Like I said, good vibes only, surrounding myself with cool, chill, easy going and dope ass people. With all that being said, I'll see y'all REALLY soon for the last post of 2020...D-D-D-DEUCESSSSS!!!

 

Beautiful Sadness

Isn't it crazy how you can like hear the same piece of advice multiple times and it hits different each time, or you find yourself taking something different away or maybe even seeing it in a different way. There's that, or even like when friends tell you something or give you advice you already know. Even tho you already know it, it just hits different because of who's saying it to you. Anyways, so I came across this video on instagram about sadness and the clip was from a South Park episode which I had seen a while back, but watching it again as an adult, it hit different LOL. So one of the characters, Butters, gets dumped and is hella sad and gives a little speech about him being sad but it's more of a beautiful sadness. It just got me thinking, one of my favourite analogies to use is imagine yourself on a rollercoaster. You go up and down and it's hella fun, but imagine if the rollercoaster only went down...yeah it would be fun, you'd have a grear time, but it's that slow climb upward that builds the tension, suspense, excitement that ultimately makes that downward fall so much more exhilarating. The clip talks about having to take the good with the bad, happiness and sadness are normal and healthy aspects of any relationship. J. Cole also has this lyric where he says “to appreciate the sun you gotta know what rain is” and that's so true. It also kinda affirms my belief that any healthy friendship or relationship needs arguments and disagreements sometimes because that's a form of relief and expression. I feel like it's unhealthy if couples or friends say they never fight, cuz it most likely means you're holding stuff in which is even worse. There's probably a very small percent of friendships and couples who can go the distance without arguments and disagreements, but I\m getting off topic now lol. Yeah it sucks to be sad, but think about it this way, in order for you to be that sad something must have made you really good and really happy before. In the video he talks about being really happy that something could even make him that sad, it makes him feel alive and human...and again it's part of the ups and downs of life. I think to myself like man if I stopped talking to girls after every girl that didn't like me back, I'd be missing out on life. And it reminds me of either a saying or something someone told me where they were like the fear of rejection can be crippling. I definitely had points in my life where I was so scared of rejection, scared to be hurt that I never even tried...but if you never try you never know. You gotta take the good with the bad. The phrase beautiful sadness keeps popping into my head cuz as crumby of a feeling as sadness is, it's honestly kinda lit in a weird, sadistic way LOOOL. I love jamming to sad songs, getting hella in my feelings, especially on rainy days, writing hella sad but FIRE blog posts LOOOL. It's part of life, growing pains as I like to call it. If my life were all happy and rainbows and butterflies, yeah it'd be dope, but I feel like I'd never know true happiness. Nor would I appreciate it as much because when you feel that sadness, then something else comes along and makes you feel good and happy again, you're just like man...this is crazy lol. I was gonna keep going, but I dont wanna get too repetitive, so I'm just gonna leave you with that same J. Cole quote cuz it's been stuck in my mind this whole time...and that's that “to appreciate the sun, you gotta know what rain is”. I'll also link the video below lol, see y'all soon.

Be Yourself

So I had like a series of interesting conversations with my coworker today lol, it’s really cool when you don’t feel a need to filter yourself around people or when the vibes are right and conversation just kinda flows smoothly, We talked aboust everything from life, school, relationships, dealbreakers, what we want in a partner, past experiences, you name it. I forget how it came up, but she asked me if anyone has ever called me immature before. To which I was like yeah, I had a best friend that called me immature and it hit me really hard and because I thought so highly of her it really impacted me and I was like well damn, I can’t joke around anymore…I gotta go find an office job and start wearing suits and ties. Me and this friend don’t talk anymore, but like isn’t it crazy how one person can have such a profound impact on you, to the point where you’ll go to great lengths to change yourself to fit their image…like damn. Now, I see my “immaturity” as one of the biggest reasons why people relate to me and find me so easy to talk to…because I don’t take things too seriously and I’m chill. The dopest feeling is when people tell me that they can see that when they read my blog posts. Like it sounds exactly like me or that they can picture the post in my own words lol. So I don’t really read other people’s blogs, heck I hardly read my own posts lol…the few times I have stumbled onto other people’s blogs and read their stuff, I was like man this is so hard to read…it’s all like fancy and big words, literally feels like I’m reading something for school. I’m not saying it’s wrong to use big words or whatever, but for me at least it just makes me feel like I’m in school or in a lecture. But then again, the sanme complaint that I have with other people could be the same complaint that people have with me LOL…my grammar and punctuation is horrible on the blog, I always have typos, I use hella slang, I bet some people are probably like yo can this guy use proper English LOL. I’ll tell you this much, when I’m writing my posts, I’m definitely like reading and hearing my voice in my own head, which is also why I’m never that surprised when people tell me oh yeah your blog really sounds like you lol, yeah cuz I like read it in my own head as I’m typing it. The funniest thing is like I know a few friends who started their own blogs and my other friends will tell me like yo I’ve read it and it just doesn’t sound like them and I’m like well what do you mean and they’re like it just sounds like they’re trying too hard to be smart and sound all wise and stuff LOL. What’s the moral of the story in all this…I don’t really know, just be yourself I guess. At the end of the day if people vibe with you and what you’re saying the it won’t matter how you’re presenting the information as long as the content is relatable. Thinking back to the friend who called me immature, I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I really did a 180 and switched up, just stopped making jokes, became hella serious and stuff. For one I’d be no fun, I’d probably be hella stuck up and some sort of know it all LOL. I dunno, I think about immature now and I take it as a compliment, I like being goofy, I like making jokes, laughing and making people laugh. If people vibe with you then they vibe with you, if they don’t and if they feel a way because of your personality, then tell them to kick rocks cuz you probably don’t need that negativity in your life anyways. Till next time, Merry Christmas, Merry Chrysler, happy holidays, take care, DEUCES.

Stop Playing Games

Funny story, so I started writing a post about something completely different but wasn’t really liking how it sounded and also didn’t really know how to finish it so I saved it for later and now I’m writing about something else lol. So I was thinking about this old conversation I had with a friend, for some context…I was seeing this girl, she had ghosted one of my messages and it had been like 4 or 5 days. We were on really good terms, consistent and back and forth conversation then she kinda just went ghost and I was lowkey freaking out, wasn’t sure what to do. So anyways, was talking to my friend and I was like so what should I do? Do I just wait for a response, then probably like wait the same amount of time to respond to her? Do I double text her to check up on her and see if everything is okay? My friend was like well what do you want out of this, especially being in the early stages of talking, this really sets the foundation moving forward. She’s like if you wanna play games, then it’s gonna keep going back and forth, she takes this long to respond so you take the same amount of time or longer. Or you can be straight up and just show your cards, tell her how you feel and let her know your intentions. Now maybe it’s a guy thing, but there was a thought that passed in my head that’s like well if I double text it means like I’m desperate and in a sense she has “the power”. My friend was like bto, if you keep playing games this is just gonna keep going on and on, she was like if you just lay it out on the table, double text, if she doesn’t respond or even if she does respond and says she’s not bout it, at least you have your answer and you can move forward rather than continuing to waste your time. And I was like damn, you’re right…the quicker I kinda lay my cards on the table, the quicker I can either move on or we can keep building the relationship. So continuing the story, I double texted and reached out to her and she was going through some things but she was super appreciative that I cared and stuff. But anyways, not the point here…isn’t it crazy the idea of having to play games with the opposite gender. Like I hate small talk and I hate games, but you have to do both in order to get things going. There was definitely times in my life where I was like welp she took 4 hours to respond, gotta chill for at least 4 hours before I hit her with a response LOL but yo that’s such an immature way to think. Now I’m just like man if you msg me and I’m beside my phone or whatever, I’ll try to get back to you as soon as possible. But even then I’m still pretty bad with replying, I’ll read messages and genuinely forget LOL. Also sucks that the past 2 girls I dealt with legit took forever to respond, one was a teacher so we’d literally just send one long message to each other everyday just replying to everything the other person said. The other girl was legit Casper, a ghost LOL, she would disappear for days on days and every so often I’d just double text and be like oh is everything good? I keep thinking back to what my friend said about if you play games it’ll just keep going, whereas when you’re upfront you get a direct answer and you can proceed accordingly. I think I’m definitely at a point in my life where I don’t want and don’t feel a need to play games cuz it’s literally a waste of time LOL. I get the game, I respect, I understand that to a certain degree it’s necessary…but at the same time it’s like, why can’t people just be straight up and genuine with their intentions. Like if you’re bout it, let’s move forward…if you’re not, let’s cut it…or if it’s like not serious and something casual then lemme know and I can decide whether that’s what I want too or cut it and look for something else.

Sorry, so I kinda stepped away for like an hour and lost my train of thought lol…I guess anything and everything depends on perspective. My perspectives and opinions have certainly changed over time and as I’ve gotten older because what I’m looking for and my intentions and have also changed as well. So I guess this whole idea of “playing games” really depends on who you are, what you’re looking for and what you’re trying to gain as well. That’s all I really wanted to say lol, I had a different post planned but kinda got sidetracked, then got sidetracked again and lsot this train of thought lol.

11 YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Got damn…11 years, I’m fricken old dude. Started this blog when I was 17, putting out like hella posts everyday…music videos, funny clips, pictures of cute girls…now I’m 28, writing about some of the most personal and intimate moments of my life…how things change. I thought to myself yeah posts have decreased tremendously, but I think y’all REALLY vibe with the posts now. Whereas back then it was like hey I have this blog, check it out please, maybe click a link here or there, scroll around, thanks. Now it’s like, hey this is my blog, I share stories and experiences, I talk about life, I (try to) give advice, I try to be real. What a time…and like I told some of y’all, now that we’ve hit 1 million views, I feel so much less pressure to like put out posts I think will “blow up” and rather just write about things I like and want to write about. Life is about growth and change and this blog is no different, but you can always count on the fact that I’ll always keep it 100 with you guys. Sidenote, I swear I’m gonna be blogging until I get married and my wife is all like HEY, stop putting our personal business on your dang blog LOOOL. Maybe then I’ll transition it to a family blog and be like YO so Rodmond Jr really pissed me off today, can you believe he said this to me LOOOL. Who knows where life will take me, or maybe I’ll still be single writing about girls that got away and what could’ve been LOOOL, nahhh knock on alllll the wood. It’s just too bad I couldn’t really celebrate the way I wanted to this year…last year for the blog’s 10th anniversary I had a little house party with a handful of close friends and people I cared about. This year obvs looks much different but damn next week is Christmas, how is that even possible…this is the shortest longest year ever LOOOL. I’m excited for what’s in store in 2021, I’m excited for all the future blog posts and I’m excited to continue sharing my life and having y’all journey with me through this thing. So till next YEAR…I appreciate you tremendously, thank you for sticking with me, I’ll see you soon...DEUUUUCES!!!

We Broke Up In My Dreams

 

So when I have really juicy dreams, the minute I wake up I grab my phone and try to write down as much as I can remember and I try to be as detailed as possible because I remember reading something where it’s like the moment you wake up, you forget like 80% of your dreams within like a few seconds. So I try to just write down as much as I can, as much detail and whatever key words that’ll trigger me. But usually key words aren’t even that helpful cuz I’ll look at it and be like wtf does that even mean lol so I try to be as detailed as possible. I wrote this one sometime in the beginning of the dear when I was seeing this one girl. We had been on a bunch of dates but we were also like very different personality wise, but we got along really well. Anyways, so reading the dream now and then thinking back to what happened…she actually ended things with me like maybe 3 weeks later LOOOL, maybe that dream was a premonition lol. So I was looking at old conversations with her, cuz I’m a hoarder and I can’t bring to myself to delete that stuff, and she was like yeah at first I wasn’t gonna respond to your messages but then I did and we went from there. To give some context, she was a really sweet, Christian girl, I had like just dyed my hair blonde and I hadn’t been going to church for several months lol. So I was like hey, be honest did the blonde hair and tattoos throw you off…she’s like yeah I honestly thought you were like a goon, but turns out you’re a really nice guy LOOOL. Which is honestly what a good majority of people say to me when they meet me, especially since I give off a pretty RBF and a pretty cold shoulder until you talk to me LOL. Anyways yeah clearly it didn’t work out with her and it was one of those things where she was like oh so I’m looking for a Christian guy to kinda lead me in a relationship. To which I understood at the time ut also had trouble grasping cuz I had told her how I grew up Christian but was kinda in a phase of just figuring things out in my life but I definitely saw myself getting back to that point. So I was def hurt and had trouble grasping what she wanted, but fast forward to the present, I saw she was dating some dude and I was happy for her…well actually, I saw it and I wasn’t sure how I felt LOL, I was like should I be feeling a way right now? Then I was like nah, she was genuinely right…the life that I’m living right now and how I am, I definitely would’ve dragged her down and it wouldn’t have been healthy for her. Man…talk about the whole “when you talk about things, they get more easy to talk about” LOL, def didn’t like talking about this at first cuz it sucked, but I’m at the point now where I can look back, laugh and even be like well she was right to cut it off cuz I wouldn’t have been good for her in the long run and realistically, she probs wasn’t good for me. It’s always nice to be able to sit and reflect on things, even things that happened recently (even tho it feels like it happened years ago) and think about what they taught you and what you learned from it. So till next time…PEACE.

The Hardest Things To Say

I dunno if you guys feel the same way in these kinds of situations, but I feel like the more I talk about something that’s hard to talk about, the easier it becomes to talk about. Does that make sense LOL. Like some things in your life are just hard to talk about or you don’t wanna talk about it…maybe it’s embarrassing, stressful, brings up bad feelings or memories, but I find for myself at least the more that I talk about it or am asked about, the easier it becomes to talk about it. Example, when I was in university and I failed 3 courses which led me to take the next semester off to figure out life…I was so embarrassed, it was something I kept close to my chest and only a small handful of friends, it was something I NEVER thought I would blog about. But the more I thought about it, the more I talked about it with friends, the more comfortable I became talking about. Now I kinda carry it around with me like a badge of honour and I lowkey love telling it because it taught me so much and really kinda pushed me onto the right track and drove me to buckle down and focus. Another example is any girl story or dating experience I’ve ever had lol…it always starts off hard to talk about and I usually don’t like talking about it cuz it brings up sad feelings and it doesn’t make me feel good...but the more I talk about it, the more people ask me about it, the easier it becomes to talk about in a weird way lol. I guess for me, it’s like when I’m able to talk about it, it’s like I’m also able to release and let go. Like when it’s fresh and when it’s still new, it’s as if my hands are clenched super tight in a fist…and when I talk about it more and more, my hand kinda relaxes and I’m able to just let it go. Which kinda affirms in my belief that one of the greatest things that you can do to support someone is to just listen to them. It’s not always about giving advice or trying to find an immediate solution…thinking back to some of the times when I really needed a person to talk to, it wasn’t cuz I needed advice or an opinion, I just needed somebody to listen to me. My hope for you is that you have some sort of outlet to express yourself…I shared with y’all that sometimes it feels like I don’t have someone to confide in and listen to me, but I’m super thankful to be able to express myself on this blog…and in a weird way it feels like someone is listening. Something I’ve done in the past is also write letters to people that I never intend on mailing, it’s just more of a release thing, where it’s like you write to the person things you want to say to them and when you’re done writing, you move on cuz you’ve already “said” everything you wanted to. So whether it’s journaling, writing in a blog, writing a letter you never intend to send or just talking to a friend, I hope that you have some sort of listening ear around you to be there for you. Because trust me, things always seem hard and difficult to talk about at first, but the more you talk about it the easier it gets, the more you start to own it and even begin to see the positives. So till next time, PEACE.

Serenity In The Storm

I had a friend tell me that one of my biggest strengths is seemingly being able to stay calm and collected in times of distress. I think for the most part I definitely am a pretty chill and relaxed person but I still do stress and when things to get to me, they REALLY get to me…so I kinda disagree with that statement to a certain extent lol. I think moreso when people come to me in times of distress, I’m definitely able to stay calm and grounded moreso than if it were my own issues. We were talking in class about this idea of being grounded, being balanced and being a stabilizer for when clients come to us and their whole world is falling apart. Because a lot fo times it’ll be like that, maybe not to such a drastic extent, but clients will come to you more foten than not in distress and with some sort of issue that is bothering them. As a counselor/social worker it’s our job to analyze their situation and approach it with a clear and level head. Not even in a work setting, just imagine this…your friend comes to you panicking about something and you just start freaking out and panicking with them, it’s not really gonna help their situation or calm them down in any way lol. My prof gave this super dope example where she was like if someone is drowning in an ocean during a storm, as tempting as it is to jump in and save the,..that’s dangerous. You’re better off staying grounded, with your feet planted and throwing the ring to them. I think that’s just something I’ve realized I kinda naturally do with people when they come to me with their problems. It’s still okay to like be sad with someone or to sulk with someone I’m not saying it’s wrong in anyway cuz I’ve definitely done that. But I just think it’s so much more beneficial when you’re that person that helps to bring them back to reality and help them tink more clearly and ground them. I’ve definitely been in those situations where I’m just not thinking clearly, tunnel vision on a girl, maybe blinded by anger and just not thinking straight and wanting to act on those specific emotions…it’s not until my friends are like yo you’re not thinking clearly, take a deep breath, relax and take it down a couple notches. When I eventually come back down to earth and am able to see the bigger picture, I’m like wow my perspective was so narrowed because of how I was feeling. I think we all need those people in our lives to help keep us grounded, so that when we’re drowning, they can toss us a life jacket and help us see things more clearly.

For The Views...

Wanted to start to get December off to a good start by hitting y\all with a post lol. Something I used to think about when I was younger (as in like a few years ago LOL) was what would I do if the blog shut down, like if blogger just closed down lol. I mean google owns blogger so it's kinda unlikely but there was one time where I tried to open the blog and it said blogger was down or unavailable and I got so shook...I was like yo all my hard work, all those posts, all those views...gone. Turns out they were just doing maintenance on blogger lol. Something I think about now is what if one day I opened the blog and the view counter is gone or it resets to zero. I've placed so much emphasis on reaching that 1 million views mark and for the longest time it was like the ultimate goal for me. I used to think to myself if the view counter ever disappeared or reset, damn I might just have to quit the blog cuz what else am Idoing this for? That's def how a big chunk of me used to think and a big chunk of me was working and promoting so hard to reach that 1 million mark. When I realized it was a real possibility of actually hitting a million views, I was like damn...look at how far we've come...so as much as a million views is an AMAZING achievement and a super dope aesthetic, it also symbolizes just how far the blog has come. You know how hype I got when the blog hit 1,000 views LOOOL. I think to myself now and there is a slight part of me that kinda wants the view counter to just disappear one day cuz sometimes I do get caught up in the views and trying to put out posts that I know people will click onto. But then there\s also that part of me that just likes looking at it, to be able to be like yeah my blog has over a millionviews, yeah I've been doing this for over 10 years. At the end of the day tho...the views are just surface level and if it ever did reset or disappear, I know I still have that support system that'll read the blog regardless. Cuz like I said I used to think like well if the blog shut down, would I just hop onto another platform and start a new one? But I'm like man it's gonna be so hard to build an audience again, to promote it and stuff, the views gonna be hella weak. But at the end of the day it's like yo for the most part it's a good chunk of people who consistently read the blog whether I promote it or not cuz they genuinely like reading it (I hope lol), if I were to go onto another platform, I'm sure those same people would still visit the blog because they f with me like that. I dunno, just some random thoughts i the blog were to ever shut down lol, I have been saving my posts recently tho, like I'll write them on a google doc and save it on my computer before posting it in case anything ever does happen. But it's moreso for myself and the memories lol. Welp, hopefully I'll see y'all sooner than later, even if it is these short, random posts that might not make that much sense lol PEACE.

Okay edit: So I wrote the above paragraph yesterday and had intended to be all like oh yeahhh December 1st, off to a great start but then I forgot LOL. Then I was watching some random youtube videos today and it kinda sparked some inspiration in me to add to this post. I think when I first started and I feel like this is with most creators on youtube or anything that like tracks the number of views or amount of people...at first you just wanna attract the most amount of people, in my case I just wanted as many people as possible to view my blog. Now obviously when I first started, I was doing really low numbers compared to now, but it was a big deal for me, so obvs when views kept going up and I started to set bigger goals for myself I was also like alright I gotta write better posts or at least write psots that people will find interesting or interesting enough to click on at least. There was def a point in the blog where people came at me for 'clickbaiting' too much LOL...it's definitely still part of the game but I try not to be so scummy about it. Cuz at the end of the day y'all are only gonna click based on if it's an interesting title or not or that short little sentence or two that I post on facebook or instagram. I only have one sentence to summarize the post and make it sound interesting enough so that people will want to click it. I think after hitting a million views, I don't wanna say I don't care anymore, views are def still an important driving force for me...but I'm definitely feeling more free and open when it comes to titling the blog posts or those short little descriptions or even just what I write about in general. The focus has kinda shifted a bit to where views are still dope and all...but man I just wanna write about what makes me happy and what inspires me and motivates me. Sometimes it's not the most interesting thing but it helps me express myself, it's stress relief in a way too. As of late, I\ve just been doing my own thing...giving y'all posts like an update on my life whereas before I'd be like okay that's too boring ain't nobody wanna read about that they want the girl stories and the relationship stuff LOL. I've just kinda made that conscious decision to write about what I want, not that I wasn't doing so before...but moreso feeling less pressure to please the readers and less pressure to maximize views...if y'all dig it then that's dope, if not then tough turtles maybe you'll like the next post. With all that being said, I'll see y'all on the flip side, peace.