Too Close For Comfort

I have a tendency to push people away, it's something I'm very conscious and aware of, but something that just happens out of habit. I guess that explains my small circle, everyone has things that they can't control or are working on...and I guess that's something that I'm working on. Despite how small my circle might be, I'm pretty certain the people in my small circle are gonna be my friends for life. With other people, it's hard to explain...I don't wanna say they gotta go through tests cuz that makes it sound horrible and that's definitely not what friendship is about...but it's kinda like you're both testing waters with each other...seeing the potential in this friendship, seeing the probability of it being long term, of them being a lifelong friend. Imagine both of you are on opposite sides of a room...and you're kinda just taking baby steps towards each other, scared to take too big of a step and over commit cuz you're unsure if the other person shares the same sentiments. I don't even know if that makes any sense lol...I feel like I'm comfortable and content in many situations that most people would find awkward or weird. Like silence for example, some people hate silence and feel the need to talk to not make things awkward and by doing so they make things awkward lol...I'm perfectly comfortable with silence, I get to hear my own thoughts, it lets other people soak in whatever's happening and gather themselves. There's been a lot of people in my life who I've pushed away due to many reasons, but they kept coming back...or they kept giving it, giving me a second chance...and I appreciate that to the greatest of lengths...I guess in a sense it shows how much a person values you as a friend you know. Of course, sometimes it's vice versa...where I'm being pushed away...and I have to make that choice of going back or walking away, or whether that friendship is important enough to me or not, whether I see enough long term potential in it or not to invest and commit myself to it. Are you still with me? Part of me feels like this doesn't make sense, I hope it does tho. My friend was telling me how she's just not the type of person to reach out, she doesn't really text people first, she doesn't really make plans...it just kinda happens and she confirms or says she can't make it...very RARELY does she make plans or text first...and I would get super annoyed at her because of that, because I would always have to message her first or whatever...but I feel like I've slowly become that kinda person lol...not by choice, but by nature...and people get annoyed with me because of it...because I don't make plans or message first, but they don't understand I just don't do that in general. I really do try tho...sometimes at least, or whenever I remember or feel like it lol. I guess that last thing I'll say is that...well, sometimes not all friendships work out...sometimes people you thought would be a lifelong friend don't end up fulfilling that...and that's okay, those are just growing pains...meeting people, losing people, building relationships, fading relationships...it's all apart of growing up, sadly. And to quote one of my most recent posts...no matter how old you are, how much you know or think you know...you'll never have it all figured out.