An Update On Life

Can we all just take in that tomorrow is December??? Holy guacamole…we’re almost there y;all, we made it. I dunno about you, but 2020’s felt like 2 years crammed into one…it feels like so much has happened but it also feels like nothing has happened at all. You know that meme where it’s like imagine at 11.59 on December 31, instead of January 1 you see December 32 LOOOOL. Take in we’ve literally been in quarantine/lock down for ¾ of the year, since like March/April ish, which is WILD to even try to wrap your head around. School is literally like the LAST thing on my mind right now, but here I am about to finish my first semester of my last year…but I’ve literally just been going through the motions. Like I’ve been loafting and procrastinating much more than I usually do. How I kinda illustrate it to ppl is that it feels like I’m literally on cruise control for school. I just don’t really care lol…I had a week to do an online exam and I saved it till the last hour LOL. It was due at 5 pm, I started at 4 pm and it actually took longer than I thought, it was like 4:50 and I was like yo I’m not gonna make it, I might have to submit whatever I have lol, I ended up finishing it and got a 90% -_-. We’ve been working all semester on this seminar that’s supposed to be 45 min that we present to our classmates, I’m presenting next Monday and haven’t started LOOOL. Don’t worry, that course is a replacement since I’m not doing placement this year, so it’s literally a pass fail course, so nothing in that course is being graded, including that 45 min seminar. So ppl in my school chat are stressing like yo what font should I use, what should I talk about…I’m like bro why’re you stressing it’s pass or fail fam. Anyways, even tho I said I’m loafting hella hard, surprisingly I’m still doing really well in school…and that’s not to say that college is super easy or anything, but having been in and graduated university…college is kinda easy LOL. Like I don’t think I’m a super smart kid, but I just know my work habits (most of the time) and I know how to kinda manage my time and stuff (pre covid). Well that’s my little rant about school…what else has been going on lately…I got a car LOL. Literally a long time coming…and it’s funny that it took an argument with my dad about the car we all share to finally push me to get it. It’s such a dope feeling just having the car there, not having to ask if anyone is using the car, anytime I need to go anywhere I can just go. Driving home from the dealership was such a crazy weird feeling…I was like yo, this is mine lol. Work has been kinda dead even tho it’s supposed to be like busy since Christmas is around the corner. Been having a lot of thoughts about quitting cuz there’s part of me that’s feeling like I’ve overstayed my welcome y’feel? Been there for over 2 years, lots of people have left, lots of new people have come in…just kinda feels like an hourglass and the sand is almost all drained, is that a weird analogy LOL.

I’ve been struggling to find people to confide in, I don’t really know why I’m sharing this. I guess this is a place where I’ve started to come to when it feels like no one else gets me or no one else is listening. I tend to keep things to myself when I feel like people don’t/won’t care or don’;t/won’t get it. Like most of my friends aren’t in school so they won’t really get what I’m feeling in terms of feeling like I’m coasting in school and kinda just going through the motions. A lot of my close friends are also in serious relationships or married and won’t/don’t really get when I’m talking to or seeing random girls. There’s that and also sometimes it just feels like they don’t care, so I don’t bother lol. Another thing is that like sometimes when I go to people, and I share something with them or I ask them for advice and it isn’t really what I expected, I’m kinda just like oh true…alright lol. I don’t wanna make it sound like I’m hella nitpicky, but you ever get that feeling where you’re looking for something, you go to a friend looking for advice and it’s just not what you expect. It’s funny because (and I’m not even 100% sure about this) I feel like most of my close friends don’t read the blog LOL. You might be like NO WAY, but tbh I don’t really blame them and at the same time it is what it is. I don’t really know what it is I’m looking for tbh, I’ve ben struggling to find people to talk to about how I feel about school, girls, life and random stuff in general…I’ve found myself confiding to random people or people I didn’t think.I would normally want to confide in.

I don’t really know where that all came from lol, I was writing, started thinking about it and it just came out. Still can’t believe tomorrow is December…I usually try to do a post every single day for the month of December (tho I don’t think we did that last year), but I’m not even gonna bother trying this year cuz I know I won’t be able to follow through lol. What I can say is that I’m gonna post as often as I can in December, let’s aim for 10? If I go over that’s dope, if I don’t then damn lol. The blog’s 11th anniversary is coming up, damn. 2020 definitely has had me thinking a lot about life, feeling a ton of ways and I’m sure I’m not the only one. This year has been a crazy one and COVID has definitely amplified and made people feel a lot of ways. So much importance has been placed on like self care and mental health cuz we’re living in some crazy times that’s for sure. I just wanted to hit you with something that my friend reminded me of…that you’re not the only one going through this. Other people are here with you, fighting the same fight, going through similar struggles, so don’t feel like you’re the only one or that it’s getting to you. When you do feel like that, tell someone and I guarantee you’ll find that a lot of people are feeling similar and y’all can be there to support and encourage one another. That’s all from me for now tho, don’t even know if I updated y’all much on life or just went on a random tangent lol, PEACE.

Unrealistic Expectations

So one thing I've learned through all of the guest posts and the ask the audience posts is that you can't project your own expectations onto other people. Now what do I mean by that, well this blog has shaped me into a very open and honest person, like there's obviously there's a part of my life I (try to) keep private but a lot of what happens and what I go through end sup on the blog. When it comes to guest posts or the ask the audience posts, I can't and shouldn't expect people do be the same way as me when I'm writing my posts, but there were times when I did expect that. I would ask people with the expectation or at least high hope that they would be super honest, vulnerable and open and when they gave me something that didn't meet my expectations, I was def a little let down...but in reality not everyone is like that, not everyone is comfortable talking about these kinds of things and not everybody wants to. I learned this through a conversation with a friend and he told me he just broke up with his girlfriend, I was in a hurry so I was like hey lemme text you later and we can talk about it if you want. He found me 10 minutes later and he was like hey I appreciate the offer but I'm good, if I need to talk to somebody I'll message you tho. I was kinda taken back...I guess in my mind I was like yeahhhh open up to me, share your burdens, let me helpppp you LOL not really that intense, but maybe to some degree I was like oh man, I was really ready to hear him out and help him out, but then it kinda hit me that day like maybe he just didn't wanna talk about it or didn't wanna talk about it with you. Everyone is at and has different levels of comfort and openness and I shoudn't project and expect people to match my levels just cuz I'm super open about stuff that most people probably keep to themselves lol. In that same sense, when I would ask people questions for the ask the audience posts, I really did expect like deep, hardcore, personal answers lol but some people gave me super short and super generic answers, I was definitely disappointed but then I was like well I can't force people to share things they don't want to or don't feel comfortable sharing. Even what I'm learning in school for social service work, a lot of it is like well you can't force the client to share anything that they don't want to...let them lead the conversation, if they wanna talk about rainbows and butterflies all day who are you to stop them, you can't force them to talk about their struggles or what's bothering them, they'll share as much as they want and when they want. And so I've found myself doing that in conversations...with friends, on dates...like I never wanna probe too much or ask too personal questions too fast (tho sometimes I can't help myself lol), but I think I've learned and am learning to kinda just roll with the energy that the other person gives me...if they wanna talk about school or work or sports I'm down, or if they wanna talk about life and their personal struggles I'm game too. I think it's definitely a skill to be able to like read the flow of the conversation and just roll with it. Imagine it's like a super chill and fun conversation about your childhoods and suddenly you're like yeah so my goldfish died yesterday LOL...anyways, on that note sorry it's been a while...school's been a little hectic/busy and I've always been procrastinating, but it feels like this semester has flown by and it's already almost December, the new year is right around the corner, COVID is still kicking our butts, some of us are in lockdown, the world is a crazy place right now...the last thing on my mind is school and work, but life doesn't take a pause, still gotta do what you gotta do...maybe I'll give y'all an update on life next post...see y'all soon, PEACE!

I'm Too Busy

I think this is something...scratch that, I know this is something I've definitely talked about before. It's something I feel very strongly about and I feel like it only gets stronger the more people and girls that I meet. You may disagree or you may feel just as strongly or maybe strong for the opposing side. So I believe that nobody is ever truly \too busy' and that if someone really wants to make time for you, as in if they care about or if you're a big enough priority to them, they'll make the time for you. I say this because I'm exactly like that, where I will and I have either made time in my day for somebody or even if I was busy, finding a way to tetrist them into my schedule. Whether it's flopping on friends, switching shifts at work, doing homework early...when you want to make time, you'll find a way to do it. I was inspired because I was at work, about to clock in and I saw this girl on the phone with her boyfriend, cherishing every single last second before she had to clock in at work...and I was like, well that's hella cute and dope. I had another coworker who would always call her boyfriend during her break, and dude worked a 9-5 office job, so not only is she spending her break on the phone but he's also finding a way to answer the phone at work also...that and I would always see her in the mornings chilling outside the store with her boyfriend before our morning shift started and I'm like man...he's a real one. So I say this all because I firmly believe that no one is ever too busy...friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife...whem someone wants to make time for you, they will. Example, I dealt with one girl who was a teacher so just imagine how busy she was. Weekdays were definitely off limits to chill and she had church on Sundays, but she would tetris me into her schedule and we would usually chill on Sundays after church. Eventually, she got 'busy' and the one response a day eventually became one response every couple days and when the weekend came, it was like oh I'm too busy, which eventually led to “this isn't working out”. I don't wanna keep saying the same thing, but you get the gist. I dated this girl who was a volleyball player and bro...she would stop in the middle of practice to text me back multiple times, she's like yo my coach is getting cheesed LOL. I'm not saying you gotta go to that extreme, but it just really drives home the point (for me at least) that when you wanna make time for someone, you'll find a way. Even if it's like a hey, I'm gonna be a bit busy today but just wanted to hit you up and let you know...or maybe I just sound crazy cuz rereading that sounds kinda nuts LOL. Don't get me wrong, being busy is truly a real thing, but when you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it. Whether it's a sneaker release that opens at 7 am or some concert tickets that go on sale at 12 am, when you want something bad enough you'll make it work. I hope that kinda relates lol...without making this post too long...I just wanted to say that it's also important to realize when you're not a priority to someone...then decide what you wanna do from there...you wanna keep being an option (does that sound rude?) or do you wanna be someone's priority. There's been plenty of girls I talked to where I knew I wasn't a priority but I either kept going with it or they weren't priorities to me either...the most recent girl I was talking to...well I realized I wasn't a priority, kept putting in the same if not more effort until my friends had to verbally me in the face and tell me to cut it off, which I did. This is just how I am as a person so maybe that's why I feel so strongly about it..cuz I'm never too busy for a friend or for someone I care about...whether it's going out late when there's school or work the next morning, going out of your way to pick someone up or do them a favour, or just clearing up some time for a conversation...when I wanna make time, I do...so that kinda is how I believe most people are as well. That when something or someone is important enough, no matter what you're doing or how busy you are...you'll make time for. Till next time, peace.

Self-Determination

So a big concept that I've been learning about in school is this idea of self-determination. So I'm studying to be a social service worker and when you're dealing with clients, the idea of self-determination is that each person has the ability to make their own decisions and control their own life. So as a social service worker, it's not about like giving dope advice or being a good listener as important as those things are...but it's about giving all the information and equipping your client enough tht they can make a decision for themselves. Obviously there's a lot of variables that come into play but I don't wanna get too into the little details. So this is something I've been struggling because it's something I've been seeing or like applying into my daily life. Now obviously when you give your friend or even anybody advice, so much comes into play like your own opinion, biases, perspective and knowledge of the person and situation. But from a social service worker standpoint, like non of that should be part of the equation when you're helping the client, it's all about okay here\s all the information, here are your options, what do you wanna do kinda thing. But as a friend talking to another friend, obviously the things I say are influenced by what I know of the person and my own persona perspective. For example, I give my friend some advice, they make their decision and I'm like okay that's dumb don't do that, or I'll give advice to them to try to influence their decision to the one that I think is right. Whereas in social service work it's like nah you give them the unbiased information and they make the decision for themselves and you go about your day whether you agree with their decision or not. The kinda conflict for me arises when say I\m talking to someone going through a breakup and they say oh what should I do? Obviously if I know the person and the situation, my bias influences the advice I give to the person...say it's like okay your partner was a dick, they don't deserve you, don't get back with them, but you also have the option to do so if you want...see how in that situation my advice is like hella biased Whereas from like a social worker standpoint it's like okay here are your options, here are the pros and cons of each option, make a decision and whether I agree or disagree with the decision it's their life and their choice. Obviously I don't mean or intend to look at my friends or people as clients, but I couldn't help but think to myself like well is the advice that I'm giving really what's best for the person. Like are they coming to their own conclusion or am I kinda guiding their decision based on my own perspective and biases. That's kinda been my struggle lately...like is this what's best for them or is this what I think is best for them? Cuz yeah you might think that they\re making the “wrong” decision, but it's their life and who are you to say what's right and wrong for them. And even with that, people deserve that opportunity to live and to learn and fail and experience their own ups and downs. I just kinda find myself thinking about this concept in the back of my mind when I'm in conversation and especially when people ask me for advice or ask me what they should do in certain situations. Like I've caught myself mid advice like wait, is this really what's best for them or is this what I think is best for them based on my own values and morals. So I dunno...it's an interesting thought cuz I wanna give good advice but I also want people to be able to come to their own conclusions and decisions rather than me going well that's bad so you know you shouldn't do it. I hope this makes sense and doesn't sound like too nerdy or whatever. I've just found myself in a lot of conversations with people about their life and not necessarily life altering decisions but still big decisions and I don't want or feel like I should be telling people what to do or saying what's right and wrong because everyone has like a different standard or measuring stick for that...I'd rather try to like outline okay so here is what's going on, here are all your options, here are the pros and cons, how do you wanna move forward? Obviously it'll differ from person to person and some people you might just have to tell them straight up that's dumb lol...but it was just a good kinda reminder for me like hey you don't necessarily know what's best for everyone, let them figure it out for themselves even if that means they might trip and stumble a couple times. But anyways, till next time...PEACE.

Letting Go Of Things That Are Holding You Back

You know how they say that everyone's house has like a distinct smell and it's not something you yourself are aware of cuz you live in that house so you're like accustomed to that smell, it isn't until you go to someone else's house that you're like oh there's a distinct smell in this house and that person will probably be like what, what're you talking about cuz they're accustomed to that smell in the same way you\re accustomed to yours. Is that a thing? I feel like it is lol or maybe I'm way off here. Or just imagine this, say you work at like the garbage dump where all the trash goes. Your first dat on the job you're probably like got damn this smells absolutely horrible, this is unbearable. By the time you're a month in, it might not be a pleasant smell still, but you'll have definitely gotten accustomed to it and built somewhat of a tolerance to it...you got used to it essentially so it's not as bad as when you first smelled it. Man sometimes I feel like my analogies are so weird lol but I hope it makes sense...similarly, when you're in like a toxic relationship or friendship, you're not really aware of how toxic or how bad it is for you when you're in it. Or sometimes you are aware, but you're so comfortable and it's so familiar that you kinda just keep going. I think back to this toxic relationship that I literally had to pry myself away from and cut the other person off...I wanted it to work so bad I literally ignored all red flags. I remember my friend telling me you gotta end this and I was like yeah I know, but in my mind I'm like okay but I don't want to LOL. Even when I was about to send this long ass corny message to her like oh this just isn't healthy for me, I wrote it in a way where it was like oh but maybe we can pick it back up or maybe we can try again...my friend had to literally edit it to a point where it was super blunt and straight up like yo, this is not good for either of us...we gotta say peace. And even when he sent it back to me..,I went back and forth with him like nahhh lemme send my version LOOOL...why are we so attracted or just like unwilling to let go of something WE KNOW is not good for us.Then I came across this song called Lose by Niki and this video where she's explaining the song and the concept of being in a toxic relationship and how it's a lose-lose situation. She says like what's familiar is what's comfortable, no matter how toxic or how bad it is you don't really care...and I really felt that when she said it cuz it felt like those words were coming from my own mouth. She was like it's human to stick to what's familiar. It made me think of a few conversations I had with some friends going through similar things...stuck in toxic relationships, wanting to let go but also finding themselves constantly going back to that same person, that same toxicity even when they know it's not good for them. One thing she says that I really liked is that when you work on yourself and they work on themselves, then you have room for growth. She goes on to say that closure is a luxury and that’s something that stuck out to me cuz I feel like I've always heard that but like it really eats at me when things aren't properly like acknowledged or addressed you know, like I always wanna clear things up so everyone or at least I can kinda have a clean slate. But Niki's like part of growing up is realizing that as much as you really want closure, sometimes it's not an option and sometimes it's not there. And it may not even be on you, it may be on them. You need to learn to be okay with not having closure, with things ending abruptly or things not ending the way we want them to. Man that just makes me think back to all the girls that I've dated or seen that just didn't work out for a variety of reasons and it left me kinda asking why like what happened cuz I never really got a clear cut answer or we never really got to sit and discuss things. But hearing her talk about closure...it's like well you don't always get that, sometimes you just gotta pick yourself back up and keep it moving. But I just wanted to end with this, I think this year with school and with work and learning about the things that I'm learning, it's definitely made me more aware and putting more effort into being more empathetic towards people. Like oh you're in a toxic relationship and you know it, just leave then...but like especially going through something similar myself it's kinda made me realize nah it's not that easy, as much as you really want to...it's like an internal struggle of wanting to let go beacuse you know it's not good and also wanting to keep holding on cuz it's familiar and it's comfortable. But yeah, I always find it interesting how the most randomest things, conversations, people or in this case videos can trigger blog posts lol. Here's the video I'm referring to btw...till next time, peace!

Counsel & Chill

I was having a conversation with a friend and I hit him with a bunch of questions. I was like yo why do I always find myself in the position where people (mostly girls) are always like pouring their hearts out or sharing their life story with me? And kinda branching off that question I was like yo why do most of the girls in my life or at least the girls that I am or were close with have like hella shit going on or seem to be carrying a lot of baggage? Before I say anything else, I’m definitely not tryna flex in any kinda way here lol and for that matter I’ve never had that many female friends ever in my life, but the few that I have had that were or are close friends…they def got a lot going on lol. So my boy was like well you have that counsellor vibe, you’re a good listerner and you’re easy to talk to lol. I mean thanks, but like still doesn’t really explain why it’s usually girls that end up sharing their life story with me lol. Then one day my coworker came to me and she was like yo you have female energy, I was like yo don’;t diss me like that LOL. She’s like nah like you just have that vibe where girls find it easy to talk to you…which trust me when I say that it’s a blessing and a curse. Another one of my coworkers is always like yo you’re like my therapist and whenever we talk it’s like you’re counselling me or something lol. Like there’s been a few instances where girls I just met or don’t really know that well will just randomly start sharing hella personal things about their life to me…now obvs maybe they’re just really open people cuz I’m kinda like that with my shit esp after writing on the blog for so long. I had one girl tell me super personal stories about like her family, struggles growing up and stuff and she’s like yo I don’t know why I keep telling you stuff but it just comes out cuz you’re so easy to talk to. I really hope this doesn’t come off as me like tryna flex cuz it sounds braggy as I’m typing it but I’m really not tryna come off that way lol, I find it fascinating tbh cuz I don’t feel like I’m doing anything special or different, I’m just being me. I had an old supervisor tell me that one of my greatest strengths was that I was consistent…that I’m always the same and that I keep it real and honest regardless of who I come in contact with and that’s why people vibe with me. So I always tell you guys about random girl stories like the girl who was lowkey a stalked and facetimed me like 5 times a day LOL, so I was hanging out with my boy and he was like yo I feel like you attract a specific type of girl because you always have all these crazy stories about them LOL. Lowkey he was tryna say I attract crazy girls smh. I mean I’ve told y’all before I had this one really close friend call me immature and I thought to myself damn maybe I’m too chill, maybe I have to take myself more seriously and grow up and start wearing suits and shit. But I’ve come to realize that my “immaturity” is what people vibe with. Like I keep it chill and I (try not to) take things too seriously, I think it helps me approach things more calmly especially when people come to me with their problems and stuff. Obvs I still stress and get overwhelmed, but (usually) I’m pretty chill and esp with age and experience I just know how keep myself mentally balanced. Lenme just end off with a really funny story, so a long time ago (like at least 5 years ago) I went to this church retreat at one of my friend’s church and it was 3 of us. The room situation was 2 ppl per room and I got paired with a random dude since I didn’t know anybody at that church. So like throughout the day I eventually met the dude I was rooming with and it was cool, we had a day of like activities and such. Fast forward to night time…oh yeah I forgot to mention it was only like 1 queen size bed per room, so I had to share a bed with this dude LOL. So yo, we’re about to go to sleep, we turn off the lights and we go to bed. This guy goes “hey man, I know this might sound really weird especially since we’re sleeping in the same bed, but you have a really warm personality.” LOOOOL BRO I was sooooo shook…keep in mind I was like probably in my early 20’s so I was like yoooooo who’s mans in this LOL. But I was just like oh, say word thanks bro appreciate that lol. He’s just like yeah man I saw you walk in with your friends and I said to myself yeah that dude looks hella chill LOL. Before y’all try to make any jokes, the next day I walked in on him on his laptop talking to someone and he’s like oh I’m facetiming my girlfriend right now and I was like oh true my bad I’ll leave you be LOL get your mind out the gutter folks. Anyways, till next time haha peace out.

Give Them Flowers

Kanye has this quote from a song where he says “if you admire somebody you should go ahead and tell'em. People never get the flowers while they can still smell’em.” It's all about just showing your love and appreciation for people while they're still here. You know when people pass away it’s like man there's so many things I wish I could've said to them, so many things I wish they knew. This quote just kinda says if you feel a way about somebody, tell them, let'em know while they’re still here and while they can still appreciate it. And I think that can be applied in all kinds of settings, in like a relationsihp obvs y'all know you love and care deeply for one another (hopefully you do), but it's always nice to hear your partner say it as well...oh you look beautiful today, I really appreciate you, I know I don’t tell you enough but I'm so thankful for you...you get the gist. Sometimes I feel like it's the littlest things that can make people’s days and I've recently like within these past few years started to do this more in my everyday life. Just complimenting people on their outfits or maybe their hair or their smile or whatever. When I was in university (and my boy can attest to this), dudes would always give me random compliments about my outfits...and I mean hella random, like hey man nice jeans LOL...but that was super cool you know. It really goes a long way...when people tell me oh nice shoes, oh I like your haircut, all that stuff tho it may seem little to you might go a long way for someone else. So that's something I like to do whenever something about someone catch my eye. Something that's been happening to me recently is a lot of people have been sending me love about the blog...just like oh I appreciate your honesty or realness ,or that was a dope post or even just a keep it up. It all really goes a long way and it's like obvs I don't solely do it for that, but hearing it every once in a while is really nice. Something I've also tried to practice as often as I can is letting my friends know how much I appreciate them and everything that they do. From the littles things like hey man I appreciate you always driving or I always appreciatee you just listening to me go on about my bullshit. If you take anything away from this...it's that if you feel any (positive) type of way about someone, even if you might not know the that well...go ahead and tell them, trust me they'll (probably) feel hella good and seeing them feel that way will (almost) certainly make you feel nice too. Give them people their roses and their flowers now while they can still smell them, don't wait till their gone or till it's too late to let them know how much you appreciate them or how important they were to you. Take advantage of the moment and go give some flowers to somebody. Till next time...DEUCES!