Let's Talk

Hey, it's been a while, too long...I've been uh, occupied. Anyways, I'd like to think I'm an optimist, I'm a big proponent of everything that happens, happens fora reason. That the things you go through...are meant to serve to help you grow or learn in some sort of aspect. Whether good or bad...I have faith that in the end, everything kinda just works out for the best. I'm somebody who gets lost in emotions, in the moment...and I need to constantly be reminded to chill out...relax and just let things take it's course. People complain about me that I'm too chill, that I don't take things seriously enough...funny enough the people who know me best know that I take some things TOO seriously and need to chill the heck out lol. My brain and especially my heart have just been all over the place lately...it's like I'm in a boat...paddling hella fast, but I'm not really sure where I'm going, but I'm just paddling. At this moment, I'm really thankful for my friends and family who bring me back down to earth when I'm waaaaay too hyped up on emotions. When you're fully invested into something, you really do have tunnel vision...and you fail to see the biggest picture, or any other picture for that matter aside from what's in front of you. In circumstances like these, I'm thankful for my friends and family to slap me back to reality and remind me of the bigger picture...that whatever is in front f me is not the end all be all. I just wanted to take this time to thank two of my friends for giving me some advice when I really needed it. Sometimes, you're going through things and it feels like you can't talk to some people. I'm thankful for these 2 guys, giving me very differing advice but each impacting me in different ways. It's interesting because for one friend, I went in with the intention of just venting and now it's to the point where I just tell him anything I'm feeling about this entire situation, it's jokes cuz HE'S hella chill...for the most part at least lol. My other friend...whom I spoke to today...I wasn't really looking for advice tbh, I was sharing with him what had happened...and it turned into a lengthy conversation where he hit me with some hella deep stuff and shared some of his own personal struggles...I KNOW this is God's work cuz I literally walked in this morning with the intention of finding somebody to talk to and get some advice from...and he just kinda filled that for me...so thanks to my two homies for being there for me. But yeah...where has the time gone...sorry for being so ghost. With April coming to an end...and May right around the corner...I feel I owe y'all...May is a very special month...my birthday, my brother's birthday, mother's day...so to heck with it...I'm gonna do by very best to put out a post EVERY DAY for the month of MAY....BARS, see you then, PEACE OUT.

Playing The Cards You're Dealt

Hey guys, sorry for being so mia...I feel like I've got so much going on atm and so many other things that I'm focused on right now that aren't the blog. I'll catch you up all in due time...I've just been really sidetracked and focused on a lot of other things.

"Searching for it all my life but always came up empty handed
It's funny things don't ever seem to happen how you planned it"

This is a line that came to mind, it's something I wanted to build on and eventually finish...and I might, but I can't right now, my brain's hella exhausted. But you know what this line reminds me of...in high school...and even now I guess...I used to love playing cards. But I mean in high school especially that's a big chunk of what I did at lunch in the cafeteria...playing like big 2 or president. Games like those...you gotta play with the hand you're dealt. Sometimes, you're dealt a super dope hand where all you gotta do is play the cards properly and you're good, but you can still lose. Other times, you're dealt a hella bad hand and winning seems difficult...but it's not impossible, with some strategy, you can still win. That's kinda where I'm at at the moment in my life...dealing with what life gives me...because everything's not gonna be exactly how you want it or expect it, you just gotta play with the cards that you're dealt. You win some, you lose some...but there's always another game...I know this might not apply to every single situation or circumstance...but it's kinda what's been hitting me as of late with a couple of situations in my life...it's easy to be like yeah my hand sucks, I wish I had this, I can't do nothing with this hand...or you can look at ways you can turn your 'bad' hand into a positive. Again, I know I'm being pretty vague right now...and I also know I've been gone for a while...I've just had a lot of things on my mind lately...it's been weighing me down, but yeah...I hope you've been well, thanks for sticking with me, see you soon, peace.

Emotional Investments

You know that saying oh I wear my heart on my sleeve, I think something I've learned about myself...something I've kinda always known but am finally seeing how big of a thing it is in my life is that I wear my heart on my sleeve very visibly and very boldly. I've been told I have a very straight face and I look very unapproachable, rbf is what they call it. But once you get to know me...simply put, I'm hella emotional LOL. One thing I know about myself is I get emotionally invested in people, things...mostly people...very quickly and if the vibe is right, if we gel, if there's chemistry...I'm gonna invest a lot of myself in you, even if we've just met. I think that's one reason why it's kinda hard for me to let things go, to let people go...friends, exes...it's hard for me to come to terms that oh we're not as good friends as we were before...or like cutting off my exes completely....it's just something I can't do. It's like hoarding to the extreme...I mean like I like keeping all my birthday cards, the letters from my ex, saving all my text messages from old phones, msn conversations. I think emotions are a really important thing to me...and it's also a weakness of mine...cuz I get emotionally invested too quickly and sometimes it's either not reciprocated or I end up regretting it cuz it wasn't what I expected you know. I dunno, it's something I love about myself but it's also something I hate about myself cuz I know it drags me down sometimes...but it also allows me to connect with people on a real deep and personal level. It's hard man...something about my personality can't help but value people's relationships and that intimate connection and bond with people you know. I love hearing people out, I love when someone feels that comfortable with you to be so open and honest...and vice versa, when someone listens to you with open ears and open hearts and you know they're really listening to care and to hear and not to judge. But yeah...I dunno, just something I've been thinking about as of late...so yeah...till next time, peace.

Awkward Third Wheeling & The Worst Rejection

Why does it feel like it's been a while since I spoke to y'all lol...thought I'd hit you guys with something a little light hearted. So here's two pretty funny stories...

This one comes in like my second year of university or something like that...my boy and I took this one business class together. We saw our other friend int he class but he would never sit with us cuz he would always sit with his girlfriend. So he had always told me that they argued a lot. so one day my boy doesn't go to class, so it's just me...my friend and his girlfriend go oh let's just sit beside each other...I'm like yeah sure. He's like yeah she's kinda mad at me so uh, how about you sit beside her...I'm like bruh, I don't know her. So we're walking to our seats, she goes into the aisle first, this guy like shoves me into the aisle so I end up sitting between her and him...and the whole time she's like trying to talk to him, leaning over me, so I'm like leaning back so they can talk...but he's like trying to avoid her at the same time so I'm just like bruuuh...occasionally I would turn to her and be like so...how's it going LOL. So come exam time...my boy takes the bus home, I decide to get a ride with my friend and he goes ohh, I have to drive my girlfriend too...I'm like uh...yeah sure that's cool I guess. Bruhh, take in they start having an argument while I'm in the backseat, they're like full on yelling at each other...and he's like RODMOND, don't you think she's being unreasonable...and I'm like uhhh...I wasn't really listening LOL. After that, never got a ride from him ever again.

This one comes in like elementary school and it still haunts me to this day LOOOL. So I was like in grade 8, pretty sure I've told this story to some of y'all. I liked this really cute asian girl...after talking to my friends and talking to myself...I'm like alright, I'm gonna ask her to the dance. So I called her (cuz that was a thing)...I'm like sitting in my bed in the dark, nervous as heck...her parents pick up...oh hello, may I please speak to ____, she picks up...casual talk, how's it going, here and there...so, about the dance coming up...I uh...I was just wondering if you wanted to go with me...what felt like the longest pause of my life...she goes, yeah sure, that's cool...dope, alright...I'll uhh, see you tomorrow. I hang up the phone and start flipping out on my bed...my mom walks past me like jumping up and down on my bed in the dark and she's like bruh what're you doing...so the next day...I walking through the halls like I'm the mannnnn, I see her walking towards me and I smile, thinking to myself ayyyyy, that's my date. She goes hey, can I talk to you? FELLAS....like 84* of the time, when you hear that...RUN, RUN AND DON'T LOOK  BACK...LOOOL, nah but forreal, usually...that ain't a good thing. She goes um...about the dance, I kinda forgot I had already said yes to ____, so I don't think I can go with you, I'm sorry...ohhh, truuee, haha...it's cool, no worries...she walks away and like my heart sinks, it felt like I had eaten a full meal and got punched in the gut....I kinda stood there for a second like, dang....what just happened? So anyways...after that, I like avoided her any chance I got and she ended up going to a different high school and moving to a different country LOL...as for the guy...yeah I still hold it against him to this day LOOOL...nah jokes, he's aight....frickin guy...LOOOL