Letting Go Of Things That Are Holding You Back

You know how they say that everyone's house has like a distinct smell and it's not something you yourself are aware of cuz you live in that house so you're like accustomed to that smell, it isn't until you go to someone else's house that you're like oh there's a distinct smell in this house and that person will probably be like what, what're you talking about cuz they're accustomed to that smell in the same way you\re accustomed to yours. Is that a thing? I feel like it is lol or maybe I'm way off here. Or just imagine this, say you work at like the garbage dump where all the trash goes. Your first dat on the job you're probably like got damn this smells absolutely horrible, this is unbearable. By the time you're a month in, it might not be a pleasant smell still, but you'll have definitely gotten accustomed to it and built somewhat of a tolerance to it...you got used to it essentially so it's not as bad as when you first smelled it. Man sometimes I feel like my analogies are so weird lol but I hope it makes sense...similarly, when you're in like a toxic relationship or friendship, you're not really aware of how toxic or how bad it is for you when you're in it. Or sometimes you are aware, but you're so comfortable and it's so familiar that you kinda just keep going. I think back to this toxic relationship that I literally had to pry myself away from and cut the other person off...I wanted it to work so bad I literally ignored all red flags. I remember my friend telling me you gotta end this and I was like yeah I know, but in my mind I'm like okay but I don't want to LOL. Even when I was about to send this long ass corny message to her like oh this just isn't healthy for me, I wrote it in a way where it was like oh but maybe we can pick it back up or maybe we can try again...my friend had to literally edit it to a point where it was super blunt and straight up like yo, this is not good for either of us...we gotta say peace. And even when he sent it back to me..,I went back and forth with him like nahhh lemme send my version LOOOL...why are we so attracted or just like unwilling to let go of something WE KNOW is not good for us.Then I came across this song called Lose by Niki and this video where she's explaining the song and the concept of being in a toxic relationship and how it's a lose-lose situation. She says like what's familiar is what's comfortable, no matter how toxic or how bad it is you don't really care...and I really felt that when she said it cuz it felt like those words were coming from my own mouth. She was like it's human to stick to what's familiar. It made me think of a few conversations I had with some friends going through similar things...stuck in toxic relationships, wanting to let go but also finding themselves constantly going back to that same person, that same toxicity even when they know it's not good for them. One thing she says that I really liked is that when you work on yourself and they work on themselves, then you have room for growth. She goes on to say that closure is a luxury and that’s something that stuck out to me cuz I feel like I've always heard that but like it really eats at me when things aren't properly like acknowledged or addressed you know, like I always wanna clear things up so everyone or at least I can kinda have a clean slate. But Niki's like part of growing up is realizing that as much as you really want closure, sometimes it's not an option and sometimes it's not there. And it may not even be on you, it may be on them. You need to learn to be okay with not having closure, with things ending abruptly or things not ending the way we want them to. Man that just makes me think back to all the girls that I've dated or seen that just didn't work out for a variety of reasons and it left me kinda asking why like what happened cuz I never really got a clear cut answer or we never really got to sit and discuss things. But hearing her talk about closure...it's like well you don't always get that, sometimes you just gotta pick yourself back up and keep it moving. But I just wanted to end with this, I think this year with school and with work and learning about the things that I'm learning, it's definitely made me more aware and putting more effort into being more empathetic towards people. Like oh you're in a toxic relationship and you know it, just leave then...but like especially going through something similar myself it's kinda made me realize nah it's not that easy, as much as you really want to...it's like an internal struggle of wanting to let go beacuse you know it's not good and also wanting to keep holding on cuz it's familiar and it's comfortable. But yeah, I always find it interesting how the most randomest things, conversations, people or in this case videos can trigger blog posts lol. Here's the video I'm referring to btw...till next time, peace!

Counsel & Chill

I was having a conversation with a friend and I hit him with a bunch of questions. I was like yo why do I always find myself in the position where people (mostly girls) are always like pouring their hearts out or sharing their life story with me? And kinda branching off that question I was like yo why do most of the girls in my life or at least the girls that I am or were close with have like hella shit going on or seem to be carrying a lot of baggage? Before I say anything else, I’m definitely not tryna flex in any kinda way here lol and for that matter I’ve never had that many female friends ever in my life, but the few that I have had that were or are close friends…they def got a lot going on lol. So my boy was like well you have that counsellor vibe, you’re a good listerner and you’re easy to talk to lol. I mean thanks, but like still doesn’t really explain why it’s usually girls that end up sharing their life story with me lol. Then one day my coworker came to me and she was like yo you have female energy, I was like yo don’;t diss me like that LOL. She’s like nah like you just have that vibe where girls find it easy to talk to you…which trust me when I say that it’s a blessing and a curse. Another one of my coworkers is always like yo you’re like my therapist and whenever we talk it’s like you’re counselling me or something lol. Like there’s been a few instances where girls I just met or don’t really know that well will just randomly start sharing hella personal things about their life to me…now obvs maybe they’re just really open people cuz I’m kinda like that with my shit esp after writing on the blog for so long. I had one girl tell me super personal stories about like her family, struggles growing up and stuff and she’s like yo I don’t know why I keep telling you stuff but it just comes out cuz you’re so easy to talk to. I really hope this doesn’t come off as me like tryna flex cuz it sounds braggy as I’m typing it but I’m really not tryna come off that way lol, I find it fascinating tbh cuz I don’t feel like I’m doing anything special or different, I’m just being me. I had an old supervisor tell me that one of my greatest strengths was that I was consistent…that I’m always the same and that I keep it real and honest regardless of who I come in contact with and that’s why people vibe with me. So I always tell you guys about random girl stories like the girl who was lowkey a stalked and facetimed me like 5 times a day LOL, so I was hanging out with my boy and he was like yo I feel like you attract a specific type of girl because you always have all these crazy stories about them LOL. Lowkey he was tryna say I attract crazy girls smh. I mean I’ve told y’all before I had this one really close friend call me immature and I thought to myself damn maybe I’m too chill, maybe I have to take myself more seriously and grow up and start wearing suits and shit. But I’ve come to realize that my “immaturity” is what people vibe with. Like I keep it chill and I (try not to) take things too seriously, I think it helps me approach things more calmly especially when people come to me with their problems and stuff. Obvs I still stress and get overwhelmed, but (usually) I’m pretty chill and esp with age and experience I just know how keep myself mentally balanced. Lenme just end off with a really funny story, so a long time ago (like at least 5 years ago) I went to this church retreat at one of my friend’s church and it was 3 of us. The room situation was 2 ppl per room and I got paired with a random dude since I didn’t know anybody at that church. So like throughout the day I eventually met the dude I was rooming with and it was cool, we had a day of like activities and such. Fast forward to night time…oh yeah I forgot to mention it was only like 1 queen size bed per room, so I had to share a bed with this dude LOL. So yo, we’re about to go to sleep, we turn off the lights and we go to bed. This guy goes “hey man, I know this might sound really weird especially since we’re sleeping in the same bed, but you have a really warm personality.” LOOOOL BRO I was sooooo shook…keep in mind I was like probably in my early 20’s so I was like yoooooo who’s mans in this LOL. But I was just like oh, say word thanks bro appreciate that lol. He’s just like yeah man I saw you walk in with your friends and I said to myself yeah that dude looks hella chill LOL. Before y’all try to make any jokes, the next day I walked in on him on his laptop talking to someone and he’s like oh I’m facetiming my girlfriend right now and I was like oh true my bad I’ll leave you be LOL get your mind out the gutter folks. Anyways, till next time haha peace out.

Give Them Flowers

Kanye has this quote from a song where he says “if you admire somebody you should go ahead and tell'em. People never get the flowers while they can still smell’em.” It's all about just showing your love and appreciation for people while they're still here. You know when people pass away it’s like man there's so many things I wish I could've said to them, so many things I wish they knew. This quote just kinda says if you feel a way about somebody, tell them, let'em know while they’re still here and while they can still appreciate it. And I think that can be applied in all kinds of settings, in like a relationsihp obvs y'all know you love and care deeply for one another (hopefully you do), but it's always nice to hear your partner say it as well...oh you look beautiful today, I really appreciate you, I know I don’t tell you enough but I'm so thankful for you...you get the gist. Sometimes I feel like it's the littlest things that can make people’s days and I've recently like within these past few years started to do this more in my everyday life. Just complimenting people on their outfits or maybe their hair or their smile or whatever. When I was in university (and my boy can attest to this), dudes would always give me random compliments about my outfits...and I mean hella random, like hey man nice jeans LOL...but that was super cool you know. It really goes a long way...when people tell me oh nice shoes, oh I like your haircut, all that stuff tho it may seem little to you might go a long way for someone else. So that's something I like to do whenever something about someone catch my eye. Something that's been happening to me recently is a lot of people have been sending me love about the blog...just like oh I appreciate your honesty or realness ,or that was a dope post or even just a keep it up. It all really goes a long way and it's like obvs I don't solely do it for that, but hearing it every once in a while is really nice. Something I've also tried to practice as often as I can is letting my friends know how much I appreciate them and everything that they do. From the littles things like hey man I appreciate you always driving or I always appreciatee you just listening to me go on about my bullshit. If you take anything away from this...it's that if you feel any (positive) type of way about someone, even if you might not know the that well...go ahead and tell them, trust me they'll (probably) feel hella good and seeing them feel that way will (almost) certainly make you feel nice too. Give them people their roses and their flowers now while they can still smell them, don't wait till their gone or till it's too late to let them know how much you appreciate them or how important they were to you. Take advantage of the moment and go give some flowers to somebody. Till next time...DEUCES!

Life Goes On and So Should You

So I wrote a post with the same title about a year ago and I was reading it and it has such a different vibe than from where I wanna go with it now, but it’s also similar in a weird way if that makes sense. But anyways, if you wanna read that post, I’ll link that for you right here Life Goes On, So Should You. I was having dinner with a friend and I was thinking of 2020 ad what I’ve been saying to people as of late is that honestly, when I look back at 2020, I’m not gonna remember much if anything aside from COVID and quarantine. Like I was trying to think back to what I did or what happened in 2020 and I couldn’t really think of much, but in reality a lot did happen. I then kinda came back to present time and I was like damn a lot did happen whether good or bad, but like here I am, here you are, here we are. And obviously since I’m a negative Nancy, I was moreso thinking about the negatives that happened in 2020. Some stuff honestly feels like years ago, but it was literally only months ago…like I finished my first year of college back in March/April but that’s also right when lockdown began but that literally feels like ages ago. I started talking to this girl at the beginning of the year and that lasted a few months and I was so hurt and heartbroken when it ended cuz I saw so m uch potential in it…that felt like a solid year or two ago…but that happened in like January lol. I started talking to another girl right when school ended and quarantine began and that lasted all of quarantine essentially, again was hella bnummed out when it didn’t work out but even tho that was only literally a few months ago it felt like a while back. What I’m trying to say (aside from constantly boring you with my girl stories) is that life goes on…and so should you. What do I mean by that tho? Life doesn’t slow down or take a break while you’re hurting or stressing or going through whatever…nah it keeps going, and the more time you spend in that moment of sadness or despair or anger or whatever…the more life you miss out on, more life shoutout to Drizzy LOL okay I’m sorry. Like when I think back to all the moments in my life (usually negative) that I’ve dwelled on…that’s a lot of time wasted. I say negative cuz usually most people do spend more time dwelling on the negatives than the positives. I still spend a lot of my time thinking of old friends, people I used to talk to, girls that didn’t like me back…but yo forreal that’s all time being wasted…because why, say it with me…life goes on, and so should you. Like for example, the girl I was talking to in January, she posted a pic of her and her boyfriend and I was conflicted…I was like oh dope I’m glad she ended up finding what she wanted, but the flip side of me was like hm, should I be feeling a way right now LOL. I didn’t, liked the picture and kept scrolling. It’s all about mentality tbh lol I had a coworker tell me wow you’re quick to cut people off aren’t you…and I dunno why what he said just came to mind randomly as I’m writing this lol…I was like nah not really dude I’m a dweller, I dwell on shit and I’m a hoarder, I can’t let stuff go. But lately…that kinda has been my mood, like honestly I have enough friends, I‘m good with the people around me…so it’s like if you’re not adding anything to my life or you’re just constantly a drag, then maybe you gotta kick rocks. Cuz I mean what’s the point of dwelling on things in the past, it distracts and prevents you from moving forward. I love giving this analogy but it’s like yo if you’re running a race, if you look back it just slows you down and even worse you might trip or fall. People love asking me about this one dude I grew up with and used to be hella close with and it’s something I think about all the time…but then I kinda tell myself…well that’s life unfortunately, people move on, life goes on. Like in a weird and lowkey pessimistic way it’s like yo why should I be sulking and being sad and thinking about the good old days when he might not even be breaking a sweat ab out it you know.

Honestly, I don’t know if any of this makes sense, I was just kinda rambling. I know it’s been 2 weeks since I last posted and I apologize. Tbh I wasn’t even planning on posting today, I was doing an assignment lol, I finished early and started writing and stopped and was like nah I don’t like how this is flowing, I kinda powered through that mental block and kept writing and here we are but I’m also seeing how long it is right now so I’m gonna stop here lol. I really hope what I said made sense cuz in my head it felt really jumbled and feels like I just threw a bunch of words at y’all…what else is new tho am I right LOL…see y’all soon, PEACE.

Things I Should’ve Said

So this is something I started probably 2 months ago or so and it was something that got harder to write as time passed cuz it was harder to rechannel the same emotions, feelings and thoughts so I just left it alone. But every now and then I'd try to get in the mood, channel those emotions and slowly chip away at it. It's funny cuz it took a long time to write cuz I'd write a little bit then be like okay this is too sad or I'm not feeling it, let's switch gears lol. But once I found a groove and saw a clear finish line, I channelled my inner Marvin's Room and finished it. 

Things I Should’ve Said
I hope you feel some type of way when you read this shit
I hope you’re thinking to yourself like “am I this chick?”
Like did I have a good thing but then I let it slip
Cuz I was scared to commit to a relationship
I know you didn’t want the title, but you wanted all the perks
Friends with benefits, but nah that ain’t how this shit works
I hope this eats at you for all the stress you put me through
And all the wasted time I spent chasing after you
Try to hit me up again but I’ve moved past your ways
Blowing up my phone like don't you miss the good old days
I was looking to the future, you were looking for some fun
I saw potential in you but I’m also prone to jump the gun
Honestly, there were moments where I thought you were the one
But I see a little clearer now that it’s all said and done
You were a blessing and a curse, but I learned about myself
The importance of communication and my own mental health
I learned to know what you want and never settle for less
I don’t wanna be with somebody who’s not willing to give their best
I should’ve known better when I was sitting waiting for your call
I learned to know when to cut ties when the writings on the wall
You didn’t wanna be a blog post, but I’m sorry here you go
All my heart, hurt and pain just in case you didn’t know
Leftover bitter thoughts, I had to let it all out
This is to and for you just to clear up any doubts
I hope you’re good I wish you well, I wish you happiness and health
I hope you take the time you need to really focus on yourself
I thought about you all the time, put it all into a rhyme
It was the only way I knew to help me get you off my mind
I don’t like these bitter thoughts and I don’t like this bitter place
These are all the thoughts you never let me tell you to your face
Words I never said, words kept deep inside my head
I’ve said all I can say so now I’m moving on ahead

RT

What Do You Think?

“Missin' out on my days, scrolling through life and fishin' for praise. Opinions from total strangers take me out of my ways.” Drake – Emotionless

So I was at work a couple weeks ago and I asked my work mom I was like what do you think of this shirt? She's like you wanna buy it, I'm like yeah I'm thinking about it. She\s like well do you like it and I'm like yeah. She's like well then it doesn't matter what I think, as long as you like it. I walked away and ended up buying it a week later. But that same day, for some reason what she said really hit me and it sat with me until now as I'm writing you this post lol. Cuz then I was at the gym one day and this Drake song came on and this lyric hit me hella hard too and I thought back to what she said about well if you like it why does it matter what I think. I dunno about you, but for me like I'm someone that loves to ask for opinions and thoughts on things...on if I should buy this, on what I should do in this situation or in that situation...it's always nice to hear different views and perspectives...but the thing with me is I\m always easily swayed or like sometimes I'll change my mind about something after hearing someone's thoughts. It made me think about how easily and often I and maybe you are affected by what other people say, think or may think. Like for example...if she had said oh got damn, that shirt's hella ugly or damn that wouldn't look good on you, I wonder if I would've still bought it...maybe yes, but it would have certainly weighed on my decision. It's kinda like how sometimes I've already made up my mind on a decision but I'll still ask for input and advice just to hear people out or maybe seek validation, who knows. So thinking about what she said and the Drake lyrics as well...I obviously started thinking of social media...and how that shit can be as toxic as it is fun and fulfilling. Scrolling through life and fishing for praise...I know so many people who post shit just for the likes and the comments and to show like yo yeah I be going out and stuff all the time. Don't get me wrong I'm definitely guilty of that too. Opinions from total strangers take me out of my ways...social media makes me super sensitive and you overreact to criticism...bro I'm so guilty of that. Like especially when I can see like how many people view my stories, are clicking my profile, or sharing my stories...that's a big one cuz my initial assumption is always that people are talking shit...cuz I think about when I share stuff to my groupchats, we're usually roasting people or just like hey yo look at this lol. So because of all this...the whole fishing for praise...and opinions from total strangers affecting us so much...it made me thini...DAMN, this really prevents and hinders you from living a happy life. Like obviously I could say well just get rid of social media and you'll be good...that's a great idea, but I know it's not realisitic for everyone. I think about for myself and for some people...how much time and thought goes into posting the right story, making the perfect caption, posting the right picture out of the 50 that were taken, getting the right filters, lighting, edits...all that stuff. I can't count the number of times I'll be like nah I'm not posting that, that's dumb, or nah I'll just take that down. But why do I feel that way tho...for one it might just be stupid...but a big part of it is like well nah people will think it's dumb or people will think it's stupid so I'm not gonna bother posting it. And if you think about that in like a life context...damn that really prevents you from living a life you want cuz you're so busy thinking about how other people might respond. So now I try not to judge what people do, post or say on their social media...unless it's like hella offensive of course...I mean like if you wanna post your dog, the painting you made, the food you cooked, the nails you did...you do that. Do what makes you happy, post what makes you happy. The more I think about it, I don't think I would've bought that shirt if she said it looked ugly...and that really irks me for some reason...cuz I'm like damn, I went in thinking it was dope, imagining dope fits...and someone elses opinions can totally sway my perspective on it...that's crazy to me. In that same sense man...not even just from a social media standpoint anymore...from a life aspect...do what makes you happy, do what you love...take opinions and advice with a grain of salt...especially when it comes from people who's opinions and thoughts aren't that important to you. I know this post is draggin on a bit...but y'all wanted longer posts lol and I just thought of like a bunch of random instances in my past where people's opinions stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. Like when I was in elementary school, I loved to play yugioh, but my friends didn't think it was cool. One day at recess I decided to play yugioh with these so called \nerdy' kids and I remember my friends seeing me, coming over and laughing at me...after that day I never brought my cards to school or played in public ever again. I took food and nutrition back in high school and dudes made fun of me cuz they said it's a 'girl\ course, dude I almost dtopped out of that course cuz of that...but they made cookies on the first day and I was like BET I'm staying. What I'm trying to say...is don't let people change your mind or your opinion on something when it's already set a certain way...now obvs it depends on context, but I hope you kinda get where I'm coming from. Do what makes you happy, do what you love. I have so much respect for people who can just do whatevery they want with no regard for how they come off to people...cuz they're so carefree, not in an ignorant way...but like, they're just living their life, they don't care what you think or how you see them. With that ALL being said, I hope thi wasn't too long...I'll see y'all soon, PEACE.

Breakups & Dating

So y'all really enjoyed the last post lol, a bunch of y'all hit me up to ask me follow up questions or just to roast that girl LOL. But moving on...a lot of people around me have been going through breakups lately. Now there\s two kinds of relationships, correct me if I'm wrong...there's the ones where you start off as friends then progress to dating and there's the ones where you start off as strangers (or acquaintances) and go straight to dating. Now strangers doesn't have to mean complete strangers, y'all can have mutual friends, maybe you're classmates, coworkers, the point is you're not friends and you go straight into dating. So back to the point about being around and having conversations with people who have been going through breakups lately...it made me think of this...what happens when couples break up in each of those scenarios. What happens when friends start dating, then they break up...and what happens when people who aren't friends start dating and break up? I feel like when you're not friends and you go straight into a relationship, it makes it (kinda) easier to move on and cut it off because y'all (for the most part) don\t have mutual friends and have no real ties to one another other than physical materials and like obviously the emotional attachment especially if you dated for a long time. I feel like when you're friends first, then you go into dating, it leaves room for a lot of possible awkward scenarios. Obviously the biggest one is like well do you stay friends or not...and there's obviously a lot of variables to consider. but like the question of whether to remain friends or not is probs the biggest issue. .Then there's like well what happens if y'all have the same circles of friends, do y'all chill together, do they have to split their time between people, it makes it awkward for the friend circle too. For the friends that I talked to...one of them who wasn't friends with their ex said that it made it a little easier to get over them because they knew they wouldn't see or bump into them at all. I'm also friends with a couple that broke up and have shared circles of friends which makes it really awkward when we're hanging out and there's a lot of he said, she said and picking sides and literally like I said, splitting time between people. I have another friend who has dated or seen a lot of girls on dating apps and when it doesn't work it, it's super easy for them to just cut it all off, block them on social media, or even keep them on social media cuz it is what it is and y'all were never friends in the first place. I can't count the number of random contacts on my phone, random friends on facebook, random followers on instagram that I'll be like yo who the heck is that??? Then I'm like ohhhh I met them on tinder or something and we went out a couple times LOL. Breakups are never easy and they're not supposed to be...I just had a little thought LOL, I'm literally that meme where it's like that one friend who's single but is always giving dating advice LOOOOL smh. Anyways lol, I have a friend who all his past girlfriends were girls he went straight into dating and he said it makes it less complicated if it were to not work out, which is an interesting perspective. I feel like for me...and this is also why I know dating apps aren't for me...I need that emotional connection...like I need to be able to vibe with you. And that's kinda where I've been at lately, great segway  I know. I was listening to a podcast and this dude who's like 35 or something, tall and super good looking, he's like yeah I've never taken a girl home from a bar or a club (not saying he wouldn't)...but for him he's like it's all about the vibe, the chemistry an the energy. He went onto say when the chemistry is right, it opens up everything else...and I really resonated with that. The question always comes up at work oh would you date a coworker...in general and ppl ask me specifically as well lol. It's interesting because back to the whole vibe and chemistry thing...as of late, when you meet someone or like are around them for a good enough amount of time...you kinda categorize them into either they're a homie or I would see myself dating them...now obviously that could change over time....but it's something I've noticed myself doing with people I meet or get to know. Just based on like the vibe, our chemistry and stuff...it's like alright they've got dope vibes, but they're just one of the homies...or it's like okay they've got a really dope vibe and I could see myself dating or pursuing them. But anyways...not sure how or why I segwayed from break ups to dating and vibes and chemistry LOOL...I'll see y'all soon, School just started so I'll probs hit y'all with an update on life soon, PEACE.