Too Close For Comfort

I have a tendency to push people away, it's something I'm very conscious and aware of, but something that just happens out of habit. I guess that explains my small circle, everyone has things that they can't control or are working on...and I guess that's something that I'm working on. Despite how small my circle might be, I'm pretty certain the people in my small circle are gonna be my friends for life. With other people, it's hard to explain...I don't wanna say they gotta go through tests cuz that makes it sound horrible and that's definitely not what friendship is about...but it's kinda like you're both testing waters with each other...seeing the potential in this friendship, seeing the probability of it being long term, of them being a lifelong friend. Imagine both of you are on opposite sides of a room...and you're kinda just taking baby steps towards each other, scared to take too big of a step and over commit cuz you're unsure if the other person shares the same sentiments. I don't even know if that makes any sense lol...I feel like I'm comfortable and content in many situations that most people would find awkward or weird. Like silence for example, some people hate silence and feel the need to talk to not make things awkward and by doing so they make things awkward lol...I'm perfectly comfortable with silence, I get to hear my own thoughts, it lets other people soak in whatever's happening and gather themselves. There's been a lot of people in my life who I've pushed away due to many reasons, but they kept coming back...or they kept giving it, giving me a second chance...and I appreciate that to the greatest of lengths...I guess in a sense it shows how much a person values you as a friend you know. Of course, sometimes it's vice versa...where I'm being pushed away...and I have to make that choice of going back or walking away, or whether that friendship is important enough to me or not, whether I see enough long term potential in it or not to invest and commit myself to it. Are you still with me? Part of me feels like this doesn't make sense, I hope it does tho. My friend was telling me how she's just not the type of person to reach out, she doesn't really text people first, she doesn't really make plans...it just kinda happens and she confirms or says she can't make it...very RARELY does she make plans or text first...and I would get super annoyed at her because of that, because I would always have to message her first or whatever...but I feel like I've slowly become that kinda person lol...not by choice, but by nature...and people get annoyed with me because of it...because I don't make plans or message first, but they don't understand I just don't do that in general. I really do try tho...sometimes at least, or whenever I remember or feel like it lol. I guess that last thing I'll say is that...well, sometimes not all friendships work out...sometimes people you thought would be a lifelong friend don't end up fulfilling that...and that's okay, those are just growing pains...meeting people, losing people, building relationships, fading relationships...it's all apart of growing up, sadly. And to quote one of my most recent posts...no matter how old you are, how much you know or think you know...you'll never have it all figured out.

The Comfort Of My Comfort Zone Part 2

Part 1

Comfort is a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing. Comfort means rest and relaxation, but it can also mean stagnation and idleness. I was watching Moana today...and btw it was  DOPE movie, lemme say Disney really knows how to pull at your heart strings. Throughout the movie she's intrigued and mesmerized by what lies beyond the reef of water on her island. From when she was a little girl she was drawn to the water and drawn to what lies beyond it, but her parents told her not to and that no one on this island goes past the reef. Obviously, eventually she does and explores and is introduced to something totally new. New...is exciting, it's fresh, it's different...but it's also scary, it's uncertain and it's uncomfortable. Lately, I've been struggling with the though that maybe I'm too comfortable...with this life, in school, in church...being surrounded by the same people and same surroundings since like elementary school. At the current moment, I find myself at a real crossroads...I find myself about the graduate (again) and feeling very unsure about what I wanna do after. I've always been bad at reading signs...whether from girls, from friends, or from God. I've been earnestly asking God for a sign, for guidance, for direction...praying that he'll show me what the next step is, where I'm supposed to go, where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do. Am I too comfortable where I am? Am I meant to go past or leave what I've been accustomed to all my life and find something else, something new, something different...something uncomfortable. I definitely don't have any answers to all these questions and thoughts in my head...but I have faith that God will lead me to wherever it is I'm supposed to be.

1 The plans of the heart belong to man,
but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.
2 All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes,
but the Lord weighs the spirit.
3 Commit your work to the Lord,
and your plans will be established.
4 The Lord has made everything for its purpose,
even the wicked for the day of trouble.
5 Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord;
be assured, he will not go unpunished.
6 By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for,
and by the fear of the Lord one turns away from evil.
7 When a man's ways please the Lord,
he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
8 Better is a little with righteousness
than great revenues with injustice.
9 The heart of man plans his way,
but the Lord establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:1-9

Making Mountains Out Of Molehills

Man...there's so much to say lol...over the past week, I've been hit with so many ideas for blog posts and they're all just sitting in my phone. Over the course of this past week, I've tried blogging, I've tried sitting down and writing a full post...I haven't been able to do that as of late, I've only been able to start a bit and become unmotivated or start a bit and become distracted or I had to do something. I had one post almost done, then I had to go out and I cut it short, tried to come back to it another time and it wasn't the right mood you feel? I'm not really too sure what I wanna talk about right now lol...I've been listening to a lot of music lately...and it's been like hitting the feels you know...like it's been really hitting home and I've just been really zoning out and enjoying the music and taking in the words, it's been relaxing but also an opportunity for reflection and introspection. Typing these words out right now...I still don't really know what I wanna talk about...but I feel like I owe y'all something after so called "coming back"...so let's just write and see where it goes.

This one girl I know shared a couple of weeks ago about an issue she has with overthinking, creating imaginary problems, making mountains out of molehills, overreacting, and thinking there's a problem because things just seem to good to be true. And I was like wow...that's me...that's 100% me. So shoutout to my overthinkers out there...my boy's been struggling mentally with just his view on life...and know that I've been praying for you bud, we've all been there. As much as I enjoy and cherish my alone time...it's also very dangerous you know, it forces you to sit and think...about life, about the future, about your friends, family and the people around you...sometimes it's a good thing, but sometimes it's a bad thing. You start thinking about situations and scenarios in your life and you start overthinking...creating imaginary problems, making minor issues major issues, making mountains out of mole hills. That's why I've done my best as I've grown up to adopt a relaxed response to issues, situations and problems. Some people might argue that I "don't take things seriously enough"...I think it's picking and choosing your moments to be serious...and to realize that most things in life...aren't that big a deal...forreal, just chill out lol. I still overthink, but I think I'm better at reminding myself that...hey, it's not that big a deal. Sometimes you just gotta steo back, take a breath...and let life take it's course. I visualize it as myself sitting in a canoe or whatever...with a paddle in the boat...but I'm just kinda going with the waves you know...and paddling when necessary...if you're constantly paddling, you're gonna tire yourself out...in life, you're gonna get stressed, annoyed, frustrated...whatever...just chill out...and enjoy the ride.

The ONE Thing I've Figured Out In Life

"Reintroduced to people I've been introduced to...did you forget me?"

Wow...so you know how usually like a week or so will go by and I'll be like wow that went by quick, I was so busy i didn't even notice...these 2 weeks were NOT the case. It felt hella long...and I've really missed talking to y'all. The question you may be wondering...is why'd you suddenly stop posting, why'd you suddenly wanna take a break? For many reasons to be honest...to get right with God for one, I spent the past two weeks writing in a journal, writing to God, praying for my friends...it was nice and it's something I wanna continue doing. I told y'all another reason was...well I had to really ask myself if I'm living out the words that I preach on this blog...or do I come onto this platform and become someone completely different from who I am in real life. That's something I had to figure out and work out on my own...that the me you see on this blog, the me you see in person, in church, in school, wherever it may be...is consistently the same person...that I'm the same regardless of where I am or where I'm speaking. It's something I'm still working on, but it's also something I'm trying to be more conscious of. So with that being said...I hope you've missed me as much as I've missed y'all, But I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm in a really, really good mental space right now...like I feel good, I'm in a good place right now...everything feels right. Truly, truly it all started with me clearing my mind, my heart and my plate and just sitting down and talking with God, making it a consistent and conscious part of my day. For the time being, I have a real clear view of what's in front of me...during the two months of straight blogging, my vision was cloudy, I had tunnel vision and kinda neglected a lot of things in my life. But yeah, I'm in a real good mental space right now, and I'm happy to be able to share everything I've been learning and such as of late.

So this is something I wanted to talk about the day I stopped blogging lol, because it happened the day before and I was so happy and so excited to share it with y'all. So I visited my teacher (the one I always talk about) the day before I took the break from blogging. We sat there after school for a good 2 hours just chatting...about life because I hadn't seen him since before Christmas break/ I was telling him about my struggles of debating between teacher's college and work and just a lot of uncertainty in life. He was saying how he's seen me grow from a shy, quiet kid...into a man, who speaks out and takes charge when necessary. I was just telling him how it's crazy that...that we're friends lol, that we can share with each other our problems. So I remember last year in the beginning of the school year when I was helping him as a teaching assistant, he was telling me how he was going through a divorce and such and I was real heartbroken for him  because he said there was no real chemistry and they both only realized it when it was too late. I had asked him about the other intermediate teacher he worked with because they had this chemistry and best friend relationship you don't see very often and he said the exact words "Rodmond, don't infer", so I left it at that LOOOL. So now back to present time, I'm sitting in front of him and he was saying how his divorce was finalized a while ago and I was like so...uh, I know you said not to infer a while ago, but I gotta know...what's up with you and Ms. So And So (who is also divorced), he started laughing and goes did I say that? I'm like yeah bruh (I said bruh), you told me not to infer...so he keeps laughing and he goes...uh, yeah...well we're dating now LOOOOL. I start hyping up, I'm like ayyyyyyy...I literally stuck my hand out for a fist bump LOL, that's the relationship that we have. Seeing the joy and happiness in his face made me so happy lol, she walked by a bunch of times and as we were leaving, I was like oh btw, congratulations and she looks at him and she immediately knows what we were talking about and she starts dying too LOL.

So he ALWAYS asks me how my love life is going lol, he's like what's up, anyone knew, how're you feeling? So I turned the tables on him and I was like yo...how does it feel lol. He's like Rodmond, it feels amazing dating your best friend, seeing them everyday at work, having that deep and personal connection. I was genuinely so happy for him. So backtrack to when we were talking about his divorce and dating again and stuff...he said this one thing to me...he said Rodmond, no matter how old you are, how much you know or how much you've learned...you NEVER really figure it out. Just when you think you've figured out a certain thing, life throws more or DIFFERENT things at you. And that made me think of Big Sean's song where he says "the only thing I've really figured out, is that I'll never have it all figured out"...talking to my old teacher is always so fulfilling and encouraging...to think you can be that age, that wise or whatever and still struggle with things like girls, relationships, friends and all that stuff...just really emphasizes that you'll never have it all figured out, there's ALWAYS room for growth, ALWAYS room for leaning and ALWAYS room for improvement. I literally look at him like my sensei...the way Naruto looks at Jiraiya (it's okay if you don't get that). I know ALL of this is a lot to take in and if you didn't make it to the end, that's okay...cuz you won't even be reading this lol...but I appreciate you all so very much...you're a big part of the encouragement I feel to keep doing this, it feels wonderful being back...with a refreshed and reinvigored sense of understanding and life...thanks for being so patient and understanding with me, I'll see you when I see you.

Soul Searching

I feel like I haven't really been hearing God lately...like when your parents are talking to you but you have your earphones in. Today I was able to meet up with a friend and I genuinely felt as if it were God speaking to me through her. I've never met somebody who was able to read me and say exactly what was needed to such an extent before...but I'm thankful to God for her, for how he's been working in and changing her and for the things that he wanted me to hear. I really need to do some soul searching...and I really want God to break me down, I haven't really been talking to him lately and he's been using the people around me to give me that hint. How important is this blog and is social media to me...that if it were to disappear or be taken down tomorrow, where would that leave me?Am I really living out the words that I'm saying through these blog posts? I'd like to think I've come a long way in terms of growth and maturity...as a man and as a follower of Christ, but I still have a lot of work to do and many areas in which I still struggle greatly. I guess this is me taking a break...for a week or two, from this blog. Take it as a lent if you will...my friend inspired me to get back to doing prayer journals...for myself, for my friends...to write it down and keep it between God and I. So that's what I plan on doing instead of blogging for this next week or two. So uh...I'll see you when I see you, take care.