From The Heart: Letting Down My Guard

I'm afraid of you....I dunno why, but whenever I talk to you..I feel a need to put up a guard...to protect myself from...getting too involved with you, from getting too attached to you, from getting too into you, from getting hurt. The past is the past....but it still lingers in the present...and whenever I talk to you, I gotta put up a front...and be cold/stiff towards you. I can't be gentle and emotional and let myself go at you...cuz I don't know how it'll end up, I don't know how we'll end up. But every time we talk....the plan is going great, I'm not too detailed, pretty formal and pretty simple...but the longer we talk...the more longer my responses get, the more passion is put into them....the more thought is put into each reply while thinking ahead of your reply as well. As I begin to talk to you more...I slowly begin to let my guard down...because it feels right...my security doesn't see you as a threat...and I slowly, but surely....let you into my life...and share with you my life...all over again. But as time goes on....there are the times where reality brings me back down to earth...and I realize that....it's deja vu all over again....like me and you have had these conversations before...and I let my guard down before only to get hurt and push you away, but you kept coming back...and I kept letting my guard down. I dunno what you have over me....that keeps allowing you to come back to me and me with open arms. I feel like an NBA player who starts off hot...but isn't clutch and can't close out games. I tell myself I'm going to be careful when talking to you, but after a while....I just feel so comfortable and it feels so right and I start to let go of it and be myself around you and we start to get more intimate. Right now i'm in the 4th quarter....and you came back and took the lead from me...my defense was slacking and you took advantage. It feels right when I'm talking to you...but some of your habits I just can't get over...and I don't wanna get hurt...but being with you feels right...but at the same time it feels wrong.