Expectations And Energy

So this was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend quite a while ago actually, I was scrolling through my phone looking for something to write about and I kept flip flopping between topics but I’m like alright you gotta settle on one, it’s been 2 weeks and tomorrow’s June so let’s at least end May off kinda strong lol. But anyways, sorry I’ve been mia, legit have not had any motivation to do anything…look for jobs, pack for my move or write a blog post. But let’s give igt a try, you know what really sucks…when you’re really excited about something and you share it with someone and they don’t give you that same level of excitement. Or I guess when you have an expectation of how someone will react to something like yoooo they’re gonna think this is so cool, funny, scary, dope, etc…then they don’t reciprocate that feeling or it isn’t up to your standards so you’re just like alright bet I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut LOL, sometimes I feel like that’s the story of my life. So anyways I had a conversation with a friend a long while ago and he said this to me, he was talking specifically abou the blog but I’m gonna apply it to a more general point. So essentially he said I feel like when yous hare your blog with others and the response isn’t what you expect, you stop sharing it. And I kinda took that and ran with it and kinda started seeing it in my everyday life…when I tell my friends about something and their response isn’t what I expected I’m just like alright I won’t keep going lol. It’s similar to like when you’re talking to somebody and you realize they’re not really listening or paying attention, so you just cut the story short or stop altogether, or mayb that’s just me lol. But back to the whole idea of like people not reciprocating the same feelings or energy that you expect. Maybe part of it is having high expectations but part of it is also like ay man I’m telling you something that’s important to me or something that means something to me, least you can do is like give me some sort of reaction and not just brush me off like I’m a piece of trash LOL. Maybe that’s also why communication has become such a must hav for me when it comes to relationships lol I just need someone to reciprocate that same energy you know. Hopefully I don’t sound like I’m asking for too much cuz I really don’t think I am, I mean if you tell someone something important and they’re reaction is like oh, nice…like of course you’re gonna be disappointed right? Theh I started thinking to myself, well maybe that’s why the blog kinda flourishes in a weird way…like when I share these things with my friends their reactions or responses aren’t “up to par” or don’t like match the energy I had hoped so I’m just like alright bet I’ll just write it on the blog instead lol. There used to be this running joke my old friends, I say old friends cuz we aren’t friends anymore LOL, they would be like yo if you ever need to know how Rodmond is doing or what he’s up to just read his blog…like hahaha soo funny…yeah it’s true but like c’mon now. But yeah back to the whole blog flourishing thing, the thought I had to myself was like well maybe I come here to write and share because sometimes my friends are like unresponsive or give whack responses so I rather just avoid that whole potential ordeal in general lol. The second thought I had was this idea of reciprocal energy…like whatever vibe you give to me, that’s the vibe I’m gonna hit you back with. So at work for example, being in customer service like when a customer is super cold or pushy towards me, I’m. gonna be mad cold and pushy towards them. But when a customer is like super nice or tries to make conversation, even if I hate small talk I’ll try to reciprocate that same energy by maybe going out of my way to help them with whatever. Similarly, that whole idea of people not responding in the way you had hoped or expected, it can kinda be connected with this diea of like reciprocal energy. Sometimes when my friends are like just giving me a real distant or like unresponsive vibe, then I’ll like kinda reciprocate that and kinda just distant and go ghost myself. I know it probably sounds super unhealthy but I’ve just been really big into like surrounding myself with good vibes and good energy, not in like a light some incense kinda way but just like having good people and good company around me because that helps me in like reciprocating that same vibe back to them. Does that make sense? It’s just like when you’re with somebody who is just a good time and has a good vibe, then y’all can literally just be sitting in a car and talking and it’s a good time. Now everyone is gonna have a different definition of “good vibe: because it’s different for everyone, for me it’s a feeling…when you can just vibe with somebody without having to say or do too much, that’s a good time. But yeah, I don’t know if anything I said made sense or sounds logical LOL it’s been 2 weeks so cut me some slack, was literally just scrambling through my phone looking for something to talk about and this is whqta struck a cord. I’ll see y’all sooner than later hopefully, peace!

29

1. Got damn, I’m almost 30 LOL

2. I’m also gonna apologize because this is gonna be all over the place like most of my posts are because that’s how my brain works

3. To many peoples surprise, no I’m not 22 or 25 LOL…that’s usually the age range that I get from people…I mean I guess Asian don’t raisin

4. Someone said I looked 18 once and I was like okaaay relax with that

5. I actually got carded a few weeks ago for the first time lol I was actually lowkey excited the lady def thought I was weird

6. When I was a kid I was like damn 25 Is mad old, then when I was a teenager I was like got damn 30 is maaaad old and now 30 is legit right around the corner

7. I also can’t believe that I’ve spent 2 birthdays in lockdown, what a time we’re living in…like those memes where it’s like imagine kids in the year 2100 reading up about this stuff lol

8. Sometimes I still feel like a kid on some Peter Pan shit…I just wanna sit around and play videogames with the homies, have a pizza party, go to laser quest or something (RIP)

9. There’s also that and being surrounded by like different age groups of friends that kinda keeps me young…like the boys that I grew up with are obvs all my age, then my church friends or my coworkers are def much younger like early to mid 20’s

10. Other than the actual age of 29 and my back problems LOOOL, I feel pretty young in al aspects

11. It’s crazy how we put such emphasis on one day, I definitely have flip flopped over the years between seeing my birthday as a regular day and wanting to go all out and celebrate it to the fullest

12. It’s also crazy how some people can make that one day so special just by going a little out of the way for you…had some friends drop off some gifts and cakes, met up with some other friends and just chilled then had dinner with my parents…it was simple but it was super dope

13. Maybe this is me being petty maybe it’s not but like I definitely had people in mind who I “assumed” and I guess lowkey “expected” to wish my happy birthday just cuz I would do the same to them so when they didn’t like it’s not something I’d dwell or lose sleep over but it is food for thought and something to think about

14. Then of course I remind myself that well it’s not about the people that didn’t wish you a happy birthday but about the people that did lol

15. Anyways, I rmb back in the day it was such a big deal to get like hella birthday messages on facebook cuz your wall would look lit LOL

16. I’ve come to realize that I’ve become so bad at messaging and responding to people, especially when it’s longer messages that take thought and effort lol it’s a little overwhelming and I always put it off then eventually forgeta bout it

17. Lately I’ve been so lazy I like to send voice notes LOL

18. Continuing off the birthdays thing, seeing so many friends and people get married or have kids there are def some people who I was so sure I would be there for their werddings or for the birth of their kids or seeing their kids grow up and then you kinda lose touch and I’m like damn that’s such a 180, I’m sure you know those ones

19. I think it’s important to always have moments of reflection and think back to where you came from and how far you’ve come, it keeps you humble but also puts thejourney into perspective, I found old report cards from elementary, high school and university and it just made me think of how far academically I’ve come to now like having 3 degrees and a diploma lol

20. Life update in a nutshell…graduated from social service work in college, been working out a lot with my boy, gotta find a full time job hopefully in my field, we’re finally moving from my childhood home (tears)

21. I used to hate the idea of moving out of Markham because everything was here…my friends, my church, everything I knew and loved but as I’ve gotten older and seen my friends move further away I was reminded that it doesn’t matter how far you are because if and when you really care about somebody, you’ll make that time and when you do make that time it’s always all love, you don’t stop being friends or become less good of friends just because y’all are a little further away from each other

22. The counter and flip side to that argument tho is your so called “everyday friends”, I dunno if that’s a real thing or not but it’s how I’m gonna describe it lol these are the friends you see and talk to on a daily basis because they’re availably and they’re around…whether your coworkers, neighbours, people in your community or maybe friends that still liv people nearby…it’s convenient because they’re right there and they’re also available

23. Whatever you’re feeling right now…sadness, loneliness, anxiety…you’re not alone, covid got people feeling all kinds of ways and not only that but it amplifies those feelings….the one thing I’ve learned during this time is the important or protecting your own mental health because you can’t do anything if you’re not feeling right

24. I’ve also been reminded of the importance of being able to laugh at yourself and also not taking things too seriously, I can;’t stand people who think they’re to mature to goof around or feel like they’re better than you in that sense or look down on you because you joke around too much…I def have told y’all how I felt like I couldn’t be myself around my friend cuz she thought I was immature and wanted to change myself to please her, but nah we off that

25. My parents were asking me how to block people on facebook LOOOL, they’re like well we don’t wanna block them just limit what they can see on our profile LOL, I’m like damn good to know I’ll probably still be that petty as well when I’m their age

26. Sorry I’ve been ghost lol, I tell myself and people that consistency is key when it comes to like anything you’re trying to build from the ground up and here I am slacking hella hard lol

27. Covid really zaps you of any motivation to do anything productive…when I was in school I had no motivation to do my homework, now I have like no motivation to look for jobs and also no motivation to write blog posts lol it’s tough out here

28. Going off that, just feel like the recent posts as of late haven’t been ‘hitting’ the way I wanted them to and I guess that kinda derails motivation as well but when those felings arise is when I remind myself that I do also do this just for me as well and to keep it going…that and also I tell myself well if even just one person really vibes with or takes something away from a post then that’s sufficient

29. Lastly I just wanna say thank y’all for sticking with me and continuing to support the blog, sometimes I look at my posts and I’m just like man it’s so unorganized or all over the place or it makes no sense like how do people even read this LOOOL, so thank you and I’ll see all soon, hopefully sooner than later

Resonate

So I was talking to this one girl and she was saying to me that one of her skills is getting people to open up and I was like hm, that's interesting cuz I never really saw it as a 'skill'. I think it's something I'm good at but I wouldn't call it a skill, even more I wouldn't even say I'm good at it I just think that people find me easy to talk to//open up to because my personality is naturally easy going, relaxed and down to earth. But I will say that you do have to jump a small hurdle before you get to that part of my personality LOOOL. The consensus that I usually get from people when they frrst meet me is that I look super mean and unapproachable LOOOL which is totally fair cuz I def give off that vibe, like serious rbh lol. But once you have that initial conversation with me, most people will tell you I'm drastically different from what they expected and from what they first perceived me to be lol. But I wanted to talk about something different but also similar today. Today'd word of the day is respmate and to resonate with something is do relate, to have a deep/emotional connection or to feel a sense of familiarity. For me, I've learned through sharing on this blog and different platforms/outlets that when you're open, honest and transparent, people resonate with that. I was giving this presentation in class about mental health and I said something really simple like ooh when I was in high school, I didn't know much about mental health so I certainly didn't know about the services that were available to me to help me with it. And after my presentation this one girl spoke up about how she really appareciated me sharing that personal experience in school because it really resonated with her and her experiences as well. It got me thinking...whether it's presentations or the different times I've been able to teach classes in schools or in churches, I've always found it natural to just incorporate my life and my experiences into my teaching so people can better understand it in a real life context. I think for me that's how I've allways learned best or found education the most interesting, when I get too hear from the person teaching me and their own personal lived experiences. So now whenever I get the chance to sspeak in front of people about anything, I find myself doing the same, incorporating life stories and personal experiences in whatever way I can to help people learn but to also make it more interesting. It's kinda like my blog but in real life lol. It's aso not for everybody tho, some people would much rather be like okay just tell me the information that I need and that's it, I don't wanna hear about your damn life LOL, but that's perfecctly understandable too lol. Lowkey I've just always loved talking about myself LOOOOL nah I'm playing I'm not a narcissist, I think I get it from my dad but I just always have some sort of story or metaphor for everything lol I can never just tell you something straight up, there always has to be some sort of life experience that relates to it somehow. But hey.like I said you can't please everyone, there's no one style of teaching or whatever that is going to appeal to everybody. For me, I like to use my lived exxperience to tell stories and get my point across whatever it may be and thankfully, some of y'all out there resonate with what I say...you relate to it, maybe you have a deep/emotional connecction to my words or maybe it brings a sense of familiarity. I'm glad that this platform has given me a voice but even more I'm glad it has allowed for so many opportunities for people to relate to what I'm saying or maybe see and find the words that they're not able to speak themselves. That's probably one of the biggest motivators and encouragements, to know that a lot of y'all really relate and really resonate with what I say, it gives me a little reassurance to know I'm not just talking nonsense or stuff that no one gives a damn about lol. Till next time tho, catch y'all on the flip side, peace.

Still Your Best

Hey friends, so I haven’t really been in the mood to blog lately, I dunny why lol maybe this lockdown is getting to me and also now that I’m done school I just have a buttload of free time lol. I’m literally like forcing myself to put out a post cuz I know if I slack, one week will become two weeks and it’ll just keep going lol. But I also hate forcing myself to write something because it just doesn’t feel natural and I like it when it’s just organic and free flowing. But anyways here I go, so I was listening to Giveon’s album and essentially it’s about the stages of getting over a break up. He has this one song called Still Your Best, which is an absolutely toxic song, a banger but the message is so toxic LOL. It’s essentially that stage in a break up where you’re kinda delusional and you convince yourself oh that person will never find anyone better than me. It just got me thinking like damn that’s such an unhealthy way to approach it because it’s like instead of really trying to improve yourself you’re over here like nah that dude/girl they’re with is hella whack, def don’t compare to me. You like sit there and hope they’ll come back or realize that you’re the best they’ll ever have…he has this lyric where he says “that’s a downgrade and you know it”. I think what’s worse than a toxic mentality are friends who encourage and enable it cuz they’re just as if not worse. They’ll tell you like oh their new man/girl is whack, you’re so much better and they start like putting down the other person. Don’t get me wrong like I get wanting to be supportive and stuff but I don’t think that should be the way to go about it, cuz it’s delusional and ust an unhealthy way to look at things. Giveon goes on to talk about how it’s the stage of the breakup where you mask sadness and hurt with bravado…like oh your new boo ain’t shit compared to me, you don’t realize how good you had it and stuff. I say all of this because when I heard the song, I automatically thought of all the moments in my life where it didn’t work out with certain girls and instead of bettering myself I would legit have that same mentality of like oh I hope they realize how good they had it one day and how dope I am. Instead of focusing on myself I’d be so concentrated on the other person, I hope their new partner doesn’t treat them as well as I did, I hope it doesn’t work out, all that jazz. It’s like you’re focused on their potential suffering and hurt when you should be concerned about yoru own personal happiness. But like I said, I say all this because I’ve been there…whether it’s likeworking out, trying to glow up, read more books or however you wanna improve yourself…sometimes I think to myself is it really for my own improvements or just so I can be like hey look at me and look how much better I am doing without you. Like it can be a pretty blurred line sometimes, are we improving for ourselves or so we can so called show the other person what they’re missing. It’s okay to wanna be sad and to that moment to sulk…for me, trust me it’s natural to wanna soak and bathe in that toxicity, oh I hope their new patner is whack, I hope they realize how dope I was and stuff. But the thing is when you soak and bathe in that toxicity, you gotta be careful you don’t drown in it and it overwhelms you. It’s a dangerous game and an unhealthy way to look at things. I’ve always been of that belief that if something doesn’t work out, doesn’t mean it won’t cross your path later on in life. That’s also why I have a hard time closing doors in my life…sometimes you have to. But anyways, my point was that sometimes you get second chances and you cross paths with old flames and old friends. Don’t bank on it and don’t hope for it cuz it’s not a guarantee, but it’s always a possibility. Until then tho, everything that you do should hopefully be for your own personal happiness and the happiness of those around you. I hope your happiness isn’t dependent on someone else’s sadness and misery. With that all being said, I’ll see y’all soon, peace!