God Is Good

What cna I say...the title speaks for itself. Literally just prayed a prayer from my heart yesterday and He answered it today. God, you know my heart, you knew that this would all unfold the way it did...and you are always in control...and I forget that sometimes, thank you for always being faithful even when I'm not. Pretty much I told you I was stressed and just had a lot of things on my plate. I was looking for someone to replace/take my place/co-lead the retreat worship team with me cuz I think it would be too overwhelming with everything I have going on right now. I asked my friend and I honestly didn't think he'd say yes cuz I know he has a lot going on as well but he gladly said yes and was actually thinking about doing it a long time ago...so wow that definitely lifted a load off my shoulders. God is good...prayer is powerful...and He answers prayers...you just gotta be patient...all in due time.

Dear God

God I'm feeling it again..that feeling of being stressed, of being overwhelmed, of having so many things on my plate and not enough time or energy to complete them. God I know you know my heart, I know you have a plan for me and I know that I've been through tough times like this before...you've guided me through them and I know that by your strength and your strength alone I will get through this. God you're testing me in so many ways, but I know this will only serve to help me grow as a person and grow in my walk with you. God I really just life everything up to you...all my hopes, my goals, my burdens...everything God, I trust in you and in your plan.

Joanlee - I'm Good feat. Lil Crazed

The jam at the moment...

First Job, Softball & STRESS

So yesterday was a super eventful day...went to the gym super early after dropping my bro to work...like 8, damn lol. Anyways, finished at the gym and called back the Sears lady cuz she left a voicemail saying she wanted to interview me. She's like can you come at 12, came in and there was no interview lol she's like yeah we don't need an interview, your friend has already told me about you, when can you start. I said anytime and she's like can you work 4 hours today...so literally on the spot worked 4 hours then went home lol. It was nice, boring though lol. Today was tiring as well...went to the gym, was about to leave the gym early for work and my manager called saying that it was senior day and gonna be really crowded and didn't want me to just sit there doing my training, so I didn't need to come in lol, so chilled with my friends and ate lunch with them. Had our first softball practice, about half the team showed up and we practiced with the other senior team, it was definitely a good turnout and a good practice. Lots of friendly faces and people and I'm sure it'll be a dope season, can't wait. Came home and went to play ball at church...man I'm actually exhausted...dentist tomorrow at 10, work at 12, crossfit at 7...geez. On a negative note...the stress is really getting to me...dodgeball league on Mondays (ends soon though), softball practice Tuesday.Thursday, planning fellowship every Friday, leading the retreat worship team, summer school (started yesterday and found out my first midterm is on the 20th), now a job...and just a bunch of extra things...man I'm trying to figure out how I can drop a few things cuz I'm literally going to be so overwhelmed...I'm already feeling it right now...man, pray for me please.

Guest Writer #7: LGSLAYER231

Guest Writer #1: SpeakingMyMind
Guest Writer #2: Letters To You
Guest Writer #3: TC
Guest Writer #4: Anonymous Queen B
Guest Writer #5: Someone You Used To Know
Guest Writer #6: Heartlocked

What You Didn't Know
Don’t even know how this started. I guess it goes back to Gr. 12. That year was a tough one. My mom was in seminary, sisters were moving into a new stage of life, And it was the year I became 18. Stay young, that’s my motto, but young-adulthood changed me for sure. 2011/12 was the year I’d fully taken in the abundance of feelings in my heart I didn’t know about, and a huge part of it was reconciling with my father.

I didn’t tell anyone at the time, not my fam, not my friends, not my ex, why I had wanted a job so desperately. Besides the internship at the surgical hospital, I was willing to take anything to come up with some cash to go see Dad and the rest of the crew in Asia. I had to see them face to face, ‘cause I’d decided on what I wanted to do with my life. I’m so sure of what I want to do, I felt like letting the whole world know, so naturally it started with fam. That declaration sorta keeps you accountable, kinda like baptism, y’know. 

It was great seeing all these people I haven’t met before, yet showed that familial love. It was really weird seeing my dad though to be honest, it seemed like he’d changed a lot. Let go of some worldly thoughts. The last time I had saw him was 5 years prior when he filed the papers. Felt like a stranger to me, and I put up the stupidest front now that I think back. All these years I’d never thought about it ‘cause he was never really around anyways. And meeting his wife and their fam and everything, i’ll tell you it was wack. She’s nice and all, but you could tell why he’d end up with someone like her, she’s easy. Had her own job, pitched in so they lived in an estate on the mountain, each had their own car, and half the time they didn’t even live there. No commitments. The day she left for work and my dad got back from work, Iunno why, but I had to let it out. And I did and it didn’t feel better. 

15 years back it was because where we lived was weak, and he was afraid of a communist invasion so we moved. He’d always say that he was going to get a citizenship, got his maple card, messed around going back and forth, left my mom to take care of us three, ended up not fulfilling the requirements for citizenship, blamed it on the government he’d chosen to come to and ended up staying there. Always blamed mom for being the ‘good cop’ and us for liking mom more. Felt you weren’t wanted. Tbh you were actin a pussy. Moving here was what you wanted, raising kids was what you wanted, things didn’t turn out your way and you left. You couldn’t see things through for whatever reason. Lack of commitment. Fear of instability and adversity. I let it all out. We we’re both in tears by the end of it, but it was what he said after that pisses me off to this day. “yeah it was my fault, I shouldn’t have brought our family to Canada in the first place.” He’s not wrong, I mean as the man of the family if you knew you wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure then yeah the move would be a bad idea, but of all the things you should have apologized for…the things that we felt owed. 

Of all the places of the world I’ve traveled, its surprising to say that so far, home has taught me the most about living, purpose, how to carry yourself, and human nature. 

We like things our way, and a lot of the times, it’s not the best way. Compromise means pain sometimes. The world has a hold on us that we don’t know. We’re weak to the world. Really weak. 

So if you’re reading this, this goes out to you. I hope you understand why I wasn’t there for you.

Everyday Feels Like The Weekend

What's up...just trying to keep up with this whole update thing at least so I don't go like weeks without posting lol. Yesterday...phone was down the whole day cuz my mom forgot to pay the bill lol, dropped my brother off then went to the gym. After that, went grocery shopping with a few guys from church cuz at fellowship we were having a family dinner where we just cook together, chill and stuff. It was bomb...we made taco casserole, bacon wrapped sausage and salad, also had drinks and chips, definitely a really fun night. Today was super long and tiring...woke up at like 8 and had to go help out for this softball event, just handed out packages and signed people up...stayed till like 1:30...not nice lol, it was raining too so that killed the mood for anything outdoors. Came home and literally napped till like 6 ish and took a shower and went to dinner with the fam as an early bday dinner for my bro. Went to this cafe my brother's been hyping about...wasn't that great honestly lol...I got chicken wings and ribs...ribs were not bad, chicken wings were not nice. One of my new obsessions is iced coffees from Timmies with extra syrup and a hazelnut shot, bombbbb...my sweet tooth kicking in lol. Other than that...only thing I'm looking forward to right now is the gym on Monday lol...

Late Night Confessions

It is what it is...