My Best Friend Agnes

Last time I did something like this, I was in high school and I wrote about this one girl who was my best friend at the time who I thought at one point was the one LOL. To be honest, this is probably gonna be all over the place, but I feel like the more I think about it,the harder it'll be, so I'm just kinda going based on instinct and the words that come to my mind. How this post came about...LOL, don't worry about that...I'll let your imagination wander,all you need to know is she gave the green light for this post, borderline encouraged it LOL. For those who know me, like really know me, you'll probably already know who this person is, she's my best friend, my ride or die. (when she wants to -_-). I feel like I can go many ways with this post...it can be simply a thank you post for everything you've ever done for me and all the times you've been there for me...or it can be an apology for all the times I've been such a jerk to you and you always forgave me (not too sure why). As I'm writing this post, the words are already starting to escape me, so I'm writing this real fast lol. I used to make such a big deal about little things like being called your bestie, making sure people knew we were really good friends, all that jazz...but I've learned with age that labels don't matter...I've seen first hand people call each other bffs and besties and such but in reality they aren't close at all. Sorry for the tangent, I told you this post would be all over the place...back to the topic at hand. My best friend Agnes, what can I say about her, words can't really describe her or what she means to me....all I know is I care deeply for this girl, more than I've ever cared about any one of my friends (sorry guys). There's something really different, but special about her...that I can't seem to put my finger on, but can't seem to ignore or brush aside either. The biggest struggle I've faced since becoming really good friends with her is whether I see her as my best friend, a sister, someone I wanna care for and protect with all my heart...or something more than that, someone I would put ahead of myself and strive to give the world to...what that is, I'm really not sure and I don't know how to put it into words. Our friendship isn't your typical boy/girl relationship...maybe that's why she's so special to me. Lemme tell you we've gone MONTHS without speaking to one another, partly my fault...all my fault actually LOL. Long story short, at random periods, without telling her, I'll stop talking to her and cut her out of my life...it's never anything she did or said...it's all me, my head and my heart...and dealing with that internal battle as to whether I see her as a friend and a sister or something more than that. This blog has become a place of honesty and of expression for me, so I'll tell you the truth when I say I still struggle with that battle sometimes. The fact that I've gone weeks and months where I abruptly stop talking to her with no notice is pretty intense I know...add that onto the fact that she keeps forgiving me and allowing me to re-enter her life because she understands how I'm feeling and what I'm going through and you'll get a very tiny glimpse into what kinda friendship we have lol. I've never felt this way about somebody before, what I mean by that is when you find happiness in their happiness and sadness in their sadness. I find so much joy when she's happy, because she brings joy to me...I've learned that one aspect of true friendship is caring and loving the other person without expecting anything in return...that their smile, their joy and their happiness is rewarding enough. I can't say enough about this girl without getting cheesy...and without my friends who know me and know her roasting me for the rest of my life lol. I can't stress what a rollercoaster our friendship has been...that there were times I legitimately thought it was over and we were never going to be friends again...whereas there have also been times where I've sat by myself and thought to myself that I think she's the one for me (again, honest to a fault).

I'm speaking directly to you now...if I could change the past and everything that's happened between us...the fights, the arguments, the cold shoulders, the distance, the awkwardness, everything...I wouldn't. First, it makes for good memories lol, second, I honestly don't think we'd be as close as we are now if it wasn't for all those stupid times (mostly me, sometimes you). I know it's awkward sometimes, I know I'm awkward...thank you for bearing with me...immaturity and all ;) Thank you for trusting me in the way that you do, thank you for opening up to me and letting me into your life because I know it's hard and I know you've been through a lot. Thank you for never giving up on this friendship even though I know it was tempting and you had plenty of reasons to throw it away, but you didn't. Thank you for being who you are...and I pray and hope you'll never change for no man, woman, boy or girl because then you wouldn't be the same person that I adore and care so deeply for (bars). Honestly, I have no idea what God has planned for me, for you, for us...if we're meant to be just chapters in each others lives, lifelong friends or more...I really don't know and honestly, I'm not even that curious to find out. I'm hella content with where we are right now especially considering where we came from and what we've been through. Spending time with you is so much fun and I feel like I'm still learning so much about you every time we chill, you do talk too much sometimes tho LOL. All I really know is I'm glad that we're still not just friends, but really good friends at that despite the 50+ times we've ignored each other (more like I ignored you). I don't say it enough, or at all sometimes, but I appreciate you so much...in every single aspect of my life, just being you and just being there, it means the world to me, you probably already know a lot of this stuff that I'm saying...but at the same time it's always nice to hear it once in a while, just like even tho a husband loves his wife, parents love their children or siblings love each other and they know it, it's nice to hear it from them. I appreciate you so much Agnes, never change, thank you for being so understanding of me, my needs and the emotional hurricane that I can be sometimes.

Wow...so I just reread the whole thing and am having hella second thoughts posting it LOOOOL...it's embarrassing, corny...but it's honest lol it's one of those things that I didn't really think through, I kinda just wrote it, that and it's like 3 am right now and I'm so tired. Reminds me of the movie Finding Forrester, they talk about writing...how the first draft you just write from your heart, don't think, just write...the second time through is when you go back and make corrections and stuff...consider this my first draft, no thought really...just heart. Lemme say that my heart was beating really fast while writing this...partly cuz it's cold in my room and I'm shivering, partly cuz...I feel so many types of ways for this girl. It was fun writing this, not looking forward to the roasting I'm gonna be receiving from my friends....lol, but stay tuned for the next post, I think...or hope at least that you'll enjoy it as much as I will lol, peace.