Random Thoughts

Day 10/31

Here's a throoooowback...something I wrote in 2010...it's really cool to hear when friends tell me how much my flow has changed and/or improved from when they first heard me rap or first saw the things that I wrote...take in this was 7 years ago..,geez

November 2, 2010

As I stare at this blank page, no words come to mind
Like a game of hide and seek I try so hard but can't find
I look myself in the mirror and see shades of the past
Reminisce of the good and the bad times that passed
My mind's gone, yet this ink's writing line after line
Back's on the wall, fighting for my life, man I'm tryin'
Few people left I can turn to for hope
More fake people tellin' me that my ish is dope
I say pain over pleasure, cuz pleasure never lasts
I say pleasure never lasts...cuz it goes by too fast
I look down at my haters, from a place much higher
Cuz they fill their hearts with hate, consumed in fire
Love is pain, you gotta push through for pleasure
But the feeling afterwards, no other thing can measure
Pain is love cuz when you love, you're willing to go through pain
You're willing to sacrifice all the wealth and the fame
Headphones on, pen and paper in my hand
Gonna inspire the world, or at least do the best that I can
Random thoughts in my head that just had to be expressed
Random topics in my mind that just had to be addressed
I'll never give you my best, just what my heart and mind create
Cuz that's whats real, not something you can brainstorm or fake

CHASING THE SKY

Day 9/31

Here's a little something I wrote for an event at my church, it's something that I've been struggling with...chasing everything in this life but God...so yeah, here it is.

Dear God I'm always asking why

Why am I chasing all these things that never satisfy 

Why do I tell myself you're good but then I doubt your plan 

Why is this life something that seems so hard to understand 

I've been chasing all the things in this life but you 

But I'm supposed to give up everything because you want me to 

God my heart is real heavy, it feels like you don't get me 

I pray to you but sometimes it just feels like you neglect me 

See deep down I know you're good, you want the best for me 

The difficult times in my life serve as a test for me

Sometimes I'm crying out and I don't think you hear me 

The times I really need you, I don't feel you near me 

That's when I realize that I've been pushing you away 

Turning my back to you and brushing off the things you say 

I feel I only come to you when life becomes a mess 

That's when I see how good you are cuz God you never left 

Sometimes my faith gets shaky, having some doubts lately 

Wondering if God really has my back to put it plainly 

But man he does, in fact he always has 

His love and grace is something I can never truly grasp 

God I know that you're enough, why I am still searching 

I know your love runs deep why am I still hurting 

God I know you see the brokenness inside of me 

In the darkness, you're the light that's always guiding me 

I know you're working real hard to break the pride in me 

I take for granted how much you really provide for me 

God you somehow always find a way to speak to me 

Your words keep breaking down my walls and sinking deep in me 

I know this life is hard but God you're always there for me 

The good and bad that I endure is cuz you care for me 

While I've been chasing earth things, you've been pursuing me 

That's how I stand before you now as the man you see 

My Worst Enemy

Day 8/31

I won't beat around the bush with this one...my worst enemy, is myself...specifically my mind. I think and I overthink way too much. I create problems out of nothing and I make situations out of nothing. I get paranoid hella easily...especially when it comes to people I'm emotionally invested in...cuz you care what they think you know. This one girl used to always get pissed at me cuz I was 'too chill', she's like you gotta take things more seriously...I'm like bruh, if only you knew...I have NO CHILL...well not in all circumstances, just some. I freak out over little things...and people have to literally remind me to chill...to be like, yo...it's not a big deal or yo...you can't do anything about it...you're just stressing yourself out. I don't wanna drag this post on too long...so with that being said...I just wanna take this time to say thanks to TMYHM. Because I've been learning the importance of telling people how much you appreciate them, appreciate their presence, their advice, and yeah. So thank you guys...for being there in my time of desperation and frustration. Thank you for bearing with me, for tolerating me and for caring about me...I appreciate it to the greatest of lengths. Friendship is real important to me...and it's hard to develop truly deep, personal bonds and connections, so I'm very appreciative of all of y'all...and I hope it means something to you how comfortable and how trusting I am towards y'all...thanks, from the bottom of my heart...I appreciate you guys.

What Does It Mean To Be A Man?

Day 7/31

I don't mean to alienate all my female readers...but essentially, what does it mean to be a grown up, what does it mean to be an adult...and for my fellow guys out there...what does it mean to be a man? Is it age? When you hit 18...or maybe when you hit the legal age to drink...is that what determines if you're a man? I personally don't have a concrete answer for y'all...and I think if you asked around...it would vary from person to person. What does it mean to be a man Is it talking a certain way...dressing a certain way? See I feel like you can talk all eloquently and grammatically correct...and most people's assumption of you is that you're well put together...but does that mean you're a man? And again when I say man...feel free to interpret it as adult or grown up. I also feel like you can dress up and clean up hella good...or "very well" as y'all grammar folks will hit me with...but that don't mean you're a man. You can dress up in a suit and tie, gel your hair and be as presentable as you can be...but that doesn't make you any more of a man that the dude beside you in a t-shirt and some jeans. But it's funny that...things like how we dress, how we speak, how we present ourselves has a significant impact on how people perceive us...how much people believe we have it all put together or how mature people think we are. I dunno...I definitely don't wanna generalize...and I don't wanna seem critical or judgemental of people...this is just observation...and some of it is from first hand experience. J. Cole says "you ain't a man till you stop chasing your friends, think for yourself, make your own plans". You always see those movies where people ask each other oh...when did you know you were a man...or when did you feel like you became a man? And people's answers vary...first job, license, losing virginity, moving out...you name it. In all honesty...I'm turning 25 soon...and there are some times I feel like a man...and there are some times I don't. There are some times I feel hella independent, responsible, capable of taking care of myself. Then there's other times...I feel like a kid...super dependent and needy for his parents, for attention, for comfort. I think everyone can relate to me in some sort of aspect...that you never really feel completely like an adult...because there's always moments in your life you feel you need somebody...a friend, a parent, someone to talk to. I think a big part of being an adult is confronting all of that...realizing that it's okay to be in need, to cry out for help...it's natural, it's normal. So to answer my question...what does it mean to be a man...I don't know...to be honest, I'm still figuring it out...I can share bits and pieces with you...as I feel I'll never have a truly definitive answer...but yeah, to each his own I guess...just don't let anybody define or undermine you by telling you you are or aren't something because of how you dress, how you speak, how you choose to present yourself...that's on you...nobody can tell you you are or you aren't a man...that's up to you to figure out for yourself. I'll see you guy tomorrow, peace out!

CHANGES

Day 6/31

Change is something that's forever gonna be relevant...it's something that's always happening, something that's always at the forefront of our lives. Regarding changes, 2Pac said that's just the way it is...things will never be the same. And isn't that true...change means...something new, something different, something uncertain, something...scary. I remember every year in elementary school going a week before to the school to see the class lists...seeing new names in your class, seeing your best friends in different classes...automatically knowing things would be different because you wouldn't see your best friends throughout the day, only during recess. Change...is scary, it takes getting used to...but for that first little bit when that change is introduced...it sucks, real bad...because it's different...it's not what we're used to, we don't know how to deal with it. Change is scary...moving to a new school, being in a new or different setting that you're used to...change takes a while to get used to...but after that brief period of freaking out...you get used to it...what started as different, weird, new, starts to become normal...it starts to become comfortable and regular. I guess this is more of a reminder to myself than anything...but if you feel you can relate to this, more power to you. Change is scary...I think there's very few times in my life I embrace change whole heartedly...become comfortable is nice, it's safe, it's what we're used to. Change is scary because it's different, it's not what we're used to and what if it isn't what we expected or isn't the same thing as what we had before. Regardless tho, I've found even if you HATE the change in the beginning, you get used to it eventually and it becomes normalcy and you forget about everything before it. Take instagram for example...remember the old instagram logo, the one that was brown and looked super dope, when they started rolling out the new isntagram logos, everyone was like yo it looks so ugly, I for one, like my friend held off on updating the app because we wanted to keep the old logo because it looked nicer...until they forced us to update the app...at first, it was ugly, I was like dang, this is on my phone...but after a while...like any change, good or bad...I got used to it, it become normal. I can't even remember what facebook was like when I first got it...all I know was your wall was much more poppin than it is now...and you could like click wall to wall to view your entire conversation with someone. Anyways...I digress...change...is scary, as I'm sure I've said way too many times in way too many posts in this blog...but it's something you inevitably eventually get used to...and it all becomes normal, soon enough. So whatever change, whatever new, uncomfortable, different or scary situation you're dealing with right now...it gets better, trust me, you'll get used to it, it's part of growth. With that being said, I'll catch y'all tomorrow...peace out.

Giving Without Expectations

Day 5/31

Here's something I wrote a looong while back, just never posted it at the time...not a super long while back, maybe a couple of months...that and I just got home not too long ago and don't have time to make a post atm lol...

The thing about life...about living...is you never stop learning, no matter how old you and no matter how much you already know and have learned. One thing I'm always constantly learning is how to be a good friend, a true friend. Before even  thinking about a relationship, marriage, a family...I think friendship is the most basic form of relationship...and it's something that I'm constantly learning about and trying to improve with every old or new friend in my life. Sacrifice is one word that comes to mind when I think of friendship...sacrificing your time, your own needs, yourself for others. Whether it means sharing your food because your friend doesn't have any or cancelling plans you have because your friend needs you, friendship is about sacrifice. One BIG aspect of friendship that I can never learn and be reminded of enough is the aspect of giving...specifically giving without expectations or receiving. Giving is much harder than receiving, giving without expecting anything in return takes true friendship and real love for someone. To give someone something...whatever it may be and not expect anything in return is a true sign of your love and care for that person...because you give out of love, because you know that thing will make the person happy, and shouldn't that be the point of friendship? I can't count the number of times my friends have helped me out...whether spotting me when I have no money, helping me change a tire, giving me rides...and they don't keep tabs on that stuff like oh Rodmond yeah I gave you a ride last time so you owe me a ride...or yeah Rodmond I've done you quite a number of favours this week, I think it's time you do something for me. Real friendship is loving and caring for another person...without expecting it in return...to receive something in return...such as mutual love or care isn't expected...but if it is, then that's a true, real mutual friendship y'feel? This is something that's kinda been on my heart as of late...what it means to be a true friend, what it means to be there for someone, to love and care without boundaries, without expectations.

Just Keep Swimming Part 3

Day 4/31

Part 1
Part 2

Hey friends, hope you're doing wells...so funny story before we get into it. So those who know me know my vision is terrible...I keep loafting on updating the prescription on my glasses, so I'm literally blind. Anyways, so I had an exam a while ago...so picture a movie theatre cuz my class is very similar to that...so I'm like sitting in the THIRD row...the prof puts the questions up on the big screen using like a projector kinda thing, so it's on a piece of paper and he puts it on the projector and it shows ont he big screen...so I'm sitting in the third row, he puts up the questions and I CAN'T SEE THEM LOOOL. Like it's hella blurry, I'm squint super hard and I'm like making out key words but I can't make out the entire question. So everyone's like flipping open their books, starting their exam and here I am sitting there, squinting trying to figure out what these questions are...I'm freaking  out cuz I'm like yo, it's over...I don't know what the questions are (they're essay questions), I'm like squinting super hard trying to make out these questions...in the corner of my eye, I see the prof walking towards me, he hands me a piece of paper and goes here maybe this will help...it's the exam questions, he starts laughing and I'm like thanks a lot LOOOL. As I finish and hand in my exam he's like are you good, I'm like yeah I forgot my glasses LOOOL.

So moving on now lol...so I was watching some Denzel Washington speech a couple of days ago when he was receiving some award and he was just saying some real dope stuff. He's probably one of my favourite actors. One thing that stuck out to me was when he said that with most if not all things in life, you need commitment to start, but you need consistency to finish. Anything...from school, job, relationships...to even this blog...it takes commitment to get started, but you need to be consistent in order to keep it going, to continue, to finish. It makes so much sense...for this blog for example...I've been feeling very dejected and unmotivated...just kinda loafting around with a select few friends. Sometimes you just gotta keep going, keep swimming...it doesn't get any easier, but you've made it this far, why not keep going? That's kinda been where I'm at atm...just barely pushing through...but still pushing through you know...in all aspects of my life currently...I'm trying really hard to just be consistent with and in everything...so bear with me...if posts feel dry at times...or lazy and randomly thrown together, it's cuz they probably are...I'll see you tomorrow.